I Killed The Spider Version of Rasputin

There was a giant spider in my bathtub last week. I’ve never been afraid of spiders before but this spider freaked me out. I grabbed the shower head, turned on the water as hot as it would go and drowned that menace as quick as possible. Once it went down the drain, I congratulated myself on keeping a calm head and defeating the monster that would surely have tried to eat me in my sleep. THEN IT CRAWLED OUT OF THE DRAIN BACK FROM THE DEAD.

At this point, convinced I had come across some sort of unkillable spider, I jumped on top of the sink as any reasonable human being would do. Then, I grabbed the shower head again and attempted to re-drown the spider because I had no other weapons at my disposal and I didn’t want to leave the room and take my eyes off the enemy. I mean, this spider was basically the Rasputin of spiders – many attempts on it’s life resulted in it only becoming more agitated and likely to cast some sort of spell on me to take over Russia. However, I kept at the drowning and finally it went back down the drain, at which point, I closed the drain because I learned my lesson the first time. Then, I called Captain Thoughtful and tried to convince him that we needed to move or at least get a hotel room for a week while exterminators dropped spider napalm on our house. We compromised by buying normal (but strong!) spider killer from Home Depot and then going out to dinner.

However, considering Rasputin the spiders ability to come back from the dead, I am still concerned he will return and seek his revenge on me. Any recommendations for preventing that? Because I would really really like to prevent that y’all. Really really. Really.

Here Is A Thought On A Friday

 

AIDEN

Today, would have been his sixth birthday. The following is one of my favorite memories with him, and it occurred just one week before the accident. I am beyond thankful for that weekend that will always be remembered as the “weekend before”.

 

Aiden: Will you play with me? I’ll be Captain America and you be Batman.

Me: Of course! But, if I’m Batman am I the bad guy?

Aiden: (Shocked and slightly disgusted look on his face) Ummmmm, what do you think? Batman is a GOOD guy. We’re both GOOD GUYS. Duh.

Me: That’s true, but Batman definitely has some darkness in him.

Aiden: Oh geez. That doesn’t maaaaaattttttter, he did good things and didn’t let the darkness control him. Duh. Now let’s play!

Me: You’re a really smart kid you know that?

Aiden: Yeeeeeesssss, I know that. Let’s PLAY!

And then we spent the next hour shooting Nerf darts at each other and random targets around the house. It was one of the best hours of my life.

The Downfall of Living In A College Town

Overheard at dinner….

Dude Bro: Bro – that chick was NOT hot. She was so OLD. Probably like 32.

 

Captain Thoughtful: We should leave before you get stabby.

Me: Oh honey. I would *never* stab that kid. I don’t want to physically hurt him. You know I’m nonviolent. I just want to ruin his life and make him feel terrible *emotionally*.

Youths! Amiright?

 

Algebra Is My Voldemort

So, I’ve been somewhat absent lately and it’s all algebras fault. I’m studying for the GRE because I want to go back to school and get my Masters degree and make a big career change. The only thing standing in my way is algebra. Algebra is my Voldemort.

I used to be fairly decent at it – you know, 13 years ago when I took my last algebra class. But as soon as I completed that class, someone cast an obliviate spell on me and I can’t remember any of it. So, I am trying to relearn algebra but I keep getting distracted and bored and basically all I want to do is read Harry Potter (in case you couldn’t tell).

Any tips, spells, or strategies would be appreciated. Or, if any of you are really good hackers and can just give me a good GRE math score, I would be willing to offer you a lifetime supply of high-fives. Kthanks!

My Phone Is Trolling Me

The other day, I kept trying to text “run” and my auto-correct kept changing it to “rum”. Which, at first I thought was hilarious because I was like “My phone knows me so well! I never run but I am all about that rum!” But then I thought, “Wait a minute – is my phone trolling me? Is it trying to tell me that I don’t exercise enough and that it can’t even conceive of a situation where I would intend to write “run” instead of “rum”?”

You know what phone? Maybe you forgot that I also have a fitness app on you – that I regularly use.  If you paid attention, you would know that I *do* work out. I do. A lot. Maybe you don’t think Pilates is equal to running but some of us have a bad knee because we were in a terrible car accident so its painful to run. How about that phone? You look like a real b-hole now.

 

Always Bring Enough Ice To Parties

Overheard at the grocery store…

Dude 1: Bro, you didn’t need to buy two bags of ice.

Dude 2: If you are asked to bring ice, and you don’t bring enough, you look like a f%&kin asshole.

Captain Thoughtful: Truer words were never spoken.

 

Y’all, always bring enough ice to the party. Always.

Needed: Squirrel Prenatal Vitamins

So, our pet squirrel is pregnant. I mean, she isn’t really our pet except that she eats in our yard everyday and we feed her and she walks up to our door to let us know when she is there and she isn’t scared of us at all. And she has a name. So, kind of our pet? Our pseudo-pet?

Anyway it doesn’t matter because she got knocked up (probably because we let her run all over the neighborhood doing who knows what kind of depraved sexual acts with strange male squirrels. Or maybe she just has a boo. I shouldn’t jump to conclusions. And anyway, I don’t really know how squirrels handle procreation so I shouldn’t judge.) Regardless, Sam the Squirrel is pregnant and though we feed her a wide variety of nuts, I am concerned that her baby(ies?) aren’t getting the vitamins and nutrition they need. Are squirrel prenatal vitamins a thing? Are there any veterinarians who follow this blog who can advise me how to be a good squirrel midwife?

I don’t want to mess this up y’all, Sam is counting on me.