Even Children Mock My Fear of Dinosaurs

Little girl: What are you afraid of?

Me: Dinosaurs.

Little Girl: No. I mean what scares you?

Me: Dinosaurs.

Little Girl: That doesn’t make sense.

Me: I agree.

Little Girl: So, you aren’t scared of dinosaurs.

Me: I am definitely scared of them.

Little Girl: Maybe it’s you that doesn’t make sense.

Me: I agree with that too.

Little Girl: Let’s talk about something else.

When a 5 year old tells you your fears are ridiculous, it might be time to really focus on overcoming those fears. Or, you could be me and take “you don’t make sense” as some sort of complement and continue to fear animals that are extinct. Your call.

Things I Thought When I Saw Jurassic World

Ok. I can handle this. I am an adult human woman and I refuse to cower in fear. These animals are extinct. They can not hurt me. I am bigger than this fear.

Trained raptors?! What will Hollywood think of next?

These idiots never learn, their hubris is their destruction. Huh. That was deep. Good for me.

Why can’t they find it?! How is it hiding? IT IS SMARTER THAN PEOPLE OH MY GOODNESS I CAN NOT HANDLE THIS.

Nooooooooo!!!!

RUN. RUN AWAY. NEVER STOP RUNNING.

This freaking thing is killing for sport! It’s an unstoppable animal serial killer. It’s  Jack the Ripper-osaurus.

I want to go home. I don’t want to be here anymore. Overcoming my fears is stupid. This is a fear I need to retain because it will keep me alive when this shit goes down for real.

THE RAPTORS HAVE A NEW ALPHA THEY HAVE TURNED ON YOU RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

No. No. No. Nope.

Holy guacamole, even raptors trust Chris Pratt. That guy is the actual best.

Raptors and TRex teaming up! If I wasn’t terrified by that notion I would be thrilled.

Whew. Over. I made it through to the end and only closed my eyes for like 47% of the movie. I deserve ice cream.

The Sour Milk Debacle

Last Friday night, I accidentally drank sour milk. The hows and whys aren’t important (because they make me look stupid) but it happened and it was awful.

I mean, at first it was just the taste and the idea that I had imbibed sour milk that was upsetting, but after about 2 hours it was the feeling of my guts declaring war on me that was truly horrific.

The next several hours were….. gory. At one point, I was so defeated that I made sure Captain Thoughtful knew what to put on my tombstone.

There Is No Girl on the Contrary – Only Zuul

May 1985- June 2015

She Drank Sour Milk

Please let my unpleasant Friday night serve as a warning to you all – check your milks best by date before you drink it.

A Note To My Husband

Dearest Husband,

First of all, you are adorable and I love your face. Second of all, please don’t let me watch Unsolved Mysteries, Disappeared, or I Killed My BFF ever again. While I enjoy those shows, I think we both know they make me a little…..high-strung? Suspicious? Insane? All of those things at once plus a hearty dose of ridiculous. Please don’t let me convince you, or myself, that watching those shows will make me better prepared to avoid being kidnapped or murdered by my best friend. Also, if I ever bring up any suspicions I have about our neighbors being serial killers, please ask me if I have watched any of those shows, the answer will probably be yes. Kthanksbye!

Hearting you all day every day,

GotC aka your wife