I heard that sometimes the calamari you’re eating isn’t actually calamari but pig buttholes that have been seasoned to taste like calamari.
This in no way has detracted me from eating calamari.
But it did make me realize that “butthole” is a very funny word and will always make me laugh.
Butthole.
Not every day can be a great day and yesterday was a non-great day for me. But then, on my way home from work, I saw a man in a kilt paying a parking meter in downtown Austin and I thought, “You know, sometimes the universe can really delight you.”
Hey universe, thanks.
Your Excellency,
It has become public knowledge that the current anchor of Weekend Update, Seth Meyers, will be leaving your beautious kingdom of Saturday Night Live to pursue his fortunes in other and wilder lands of weekly late-night hijinks. Surely, he will be dearly missed and I think it best that we all take the summer to mourn this loss. However, come Fall, I think we should find hope in a new head knight of Weekend Update, Kenan Thompson.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, he would be spectacular. He is, oh so very very funny. His characters are always some of the best and he makes me laugh every time.
Please consider this my fervent plea for Kenan Thompson to be the anchor of Weekend Update.
Humorsly yours,
GotC
* Please note that Kenan Thompson did not approve this message. Although, he didn’t not not approve it either.
Something MAJOR happened this weekend y’all.
I TURNED DOWN COTTON CANDY.
For the very first time in my life, I “just said no” to my personal drug of choice, cotton candy. So, I’m expecting a call of congratulations from Nancy Reagan any day now and also some sort of award named after me at my old elementary school where I passed the D.A.R.E. program with flying colors, I even got a sticker.
Nevertheless, I turned down Cotton Candy. Multiple people offered to buy me some and I still said no. NO.
What’s happening to me?
I’m scared y’all.
You may have noticed my blog looks different. It was time for a change. A clean-sweep. There will be some more cosmetic changes (done tastefully of course) in the future but I wanted, nay, needed to make this change now.
Also, goldfish don’t live forever y’all.
XX
GotC
When people write “Have a nice day.” instead of writing “Have a nice day!” it makes me feel like they don’t really want me to have a nice day.
OR
It could mean they are really really serious about me having a nice day. Too serious for exclamation marks. So serious about it, that they will, in fact, beat me up if I don’t have a nice day.
Punctuation can be harsh.
Last Thursday, I stopped by one of my favorite Austin eateries, Snap Kitchen, for a quick (and healthy!) bite of lunch. I picked up a salad (spinach and goat cheese, if you’re nosy) and paid the clerk at the counter who proceeded to tell me that Brad Womack of The Bachelor fame had, not five minutes before me, bought that exact same salad!
Ladies, I can tell you for sure he likes spinach and goat cheese.
I’m D-list celebrity adjacent y’all. D-list. Celebrity. Adjacent.
Today is my birthday and on birthdays, I think it’s nice to do what hobbits do, which is give *other* people gifts. Except this isn’t so much a gift as a “thank you note”, however, I’m sure the hobbits would approve.
Thank you, you delightful weirdos for reading this blog. For commenting on this blog. For being a part of this crazy community. For always supporting me with your laughter. You have no idea how much it means to me, how much it has kept me going when I’ve been blue or when I’ve doubted whether I should continue writing. Your laughter sustains me, but your kindness and acceptance absolutely bowls me over every day. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And now, Sly And The Family Stone, because they can say it way cooler than I can.
If you’re a gal in her late twenties (as I am) then you have a pretty heavy list of thing you’re supposed to worry about.
1. Your fertility is going-going-almost gone! Make the babies! Make the babies!
2. Wrinkles! You’ll be an old hag by the end of the year! Creams! Serums! Masks! Facials! PANIC.
3. Money money money money monnnneeeeee… you don’t have enough. Work more. Get a better job. Make the moola. But, don’t work so hard that you don’t have the time and energy for a baby, because as I mentioned earlier, you have to make one of those like yesterday.
4. Pilates! Kardashians! Fashion! Juice cleanses! Organic food! Anti-oxidants! Miley Cyrus’s hair! You need to know about all these things at all times.
5. Did you know women start menopause as early as 35? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.
OR
You could worry about the things I actually worry about.
1. There are people literally trying to Jurassic Park dinosaur DNA. As in, bring dinosaurs back to life.
2. Rogue cows. There was a cow in our backyard last Saturday, a cow that was not behind a fence. How did you get out cow? Can you apparate? Can you? Cows can apparate y’all. You’ve been warned.
3. I saw a girl wearing leather shorts the other day, and apparently it’s the fashion thing to do, but y’all, this is Texas. Hot hot Texas, and if girls start wearing leather shorts all the time, I’m worried we’ll have an epidemic of vagina suffocation on our hands.
4. Read this. Brain juice was leaking out of his nose. Think about that next time you get the sniffles.
5. Being served any kind of BBQ other than Texas BBQ.
Seriously, who has time to worry about money and babies when there are cows apparating? Priorities.
Today’s thought is brought to you by Grammy.
“Honey darlin, you know those lectro-lodes in your head? I just can’t control mine!”
I know how you feel Grammy, I know how you feel.
