Booze Hound

Have you ever heard of a booze hound? It’s this thing where you line up all the wine bottles and let your puppy choose which one you will drink by touching his nose to the bottle. At least, that’s what it means at my house. For the record, Dobby hasn’t let us down once with his choice of wine. He is basically a puppy sommelier, which is something every one needs as a basic neccessity. Booze hounds are the next big thing yall, you heard it here first.

Ms. Jana

Last week, one of the most influential women in my life died. Today, her family and friends will honor her memory. Because I can’t be there (and it breaks my heart) I want to honor her here. This is for you Ms. Jana.

You taught me all the best swear words. You taught me how to be a woman who knows her own mind and isn’t afraid of speaking it. You taught me how to love hard and loyally and fiercely. You taught me how a best friend acts, because you were my Mom’s very best friend and stood by her through thick and thin. You taught me how to own the macarena on a dance floor. You taught me to laugh as much as possible. You taught me about being true to who I am.
Who I am is someone who will miss you very much and will carry the things you taught me in my heart for as long as I live.
I love you Ms. Jana and I always will. Thank you for loving me back.

That Thing Where You Feel Guilty For Neutering Your Dog

I know getting Dobby neutered is the responsible thing to do. I mean, they wouldn’t advise you to do it at the end of every episode of The Price Is Right if it wasn’t, right? But just making the appointment has me feeling all kinds of terrible and guilty because I’m sure it doesn’t feel very nice and I am also sure Dobby will hate me forever afterwards and won’t let me cuddle him anymore. But I am going to do it anyway because responsibility. And then I am going to attempt to buy back his love with fancy treats and toys.

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It's going to take a LOT of treats lady...

Now, if you could all tell me how everything will be fine and I shouldn’t feel guilty and that Dobby will continue to love me that would be great. Kthanksbye.

Don’t Prank Me Bro

I don’t like April Fools Day. Especially at my age because all my friends are like “I’m pregnant!” And then I am excited for them and channel all my happy thoughts towards them and then they throw it right back in my face and are like “Haha! You were so nice and sweet and kind to me just then and I was kidding and now you look like a fool.” And then I’m like “When you do have kids, I am going to brainwash them against you and convince them to ruin your life.” And then my friends are scared because they know I can be very convincing and it isn’t a far stretch to imagine me brainwashing their kids and then they get scared and apologize to me and I’m like “Ha! Doesn’t feel nice to be April Fooled does it?” And then everyone laughs awkwardly because the joke got taken too far and that’s why I don’t like April Fools day.

Dear Lincoln Nebraska

Dear Lincoln Nebraska,

Surely there is a better day to test the tornado sirens than on a day where conditions could result in a tornado. Maybe pick a nice sunny day with no wind next time. All of the people will thank you for it. And if you can’t pick a nice sunny day, then maybe try to let people know before you sound the sirens that it is just a test and that running to their basements with a bug out bag and a frightened puppy is totally unnecessary.

Just a thought I had.

Love,

GotC

Tacos > Skinny

Over the last 7 months or so, I have been on a mission to get healthier, which includes losing some weight. So, I have been eating better and exercising and having fairly good results. Yay. However, a lot of people have tried to motivate me by saying “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Those people are liars and scoundrels. I am here to tell you the truth and that is that I have eaten at least 10 things that taste better than skinny feels. At least.That doesn’t mean that I indulge all the time or gorge myself wantonly. I’m just saying, don’t tell me skinny feels better than eating a shrimp taco at Torchy’s. I have been skinny and I have eaten those tacos and let me tell you, the tacos are better.

Here Is A Thought On A Friday

You know that thing where your team makes it to a bowl game and then loses it in the 4th quarter? And then that team makes it to the NCAA tournament aka March Madness and then loses in the second round? And then you cry and cry and your tears are green and gold? That thing? It’s called being a Baylor fan.

History Is Fun! (And Also Why I Can Never Go Back To Starbucks)

Not too long ago, I was at a Starbucks on a coffee run. Then this happened.

Cashier: Your total is $10.66

Me: 1066! The Norman invasion! Battle of Hastings!

Cashier: No.

Me: Actually, yes.

Cashier: Sorry, I meant I don’t care.

Me: Ok then.

So, I can’t ever go back to that Starbucks again. Not because I am ashamed, but because I can’t stand to be served coffee by someone who wasn’t┬áremotely interested in my random and all too enthusiastic historical outbursts. There are just too many random dates/names/places/people floating around in my head for me not to occasionally (aka all the time) drop some history on unsuspecting persons. Also, don’t mention my name at the Quiznos by Lake Travis, I once got into a pretty heated argument about Anne Boleyn there.