Dear Lincoln Nebraska

Dear Lincoln Nebraska,

Surely there is a better day to test the tornado sirens than on a day where conditions could result in a tornado. Maybe pick a nice sunny day with no wind next time. All of the people will thank you for it. And if you can’t pick a nice sunny day, then maybe try to let people know before you sound the sirens that it is just a test and that running to their basements with a bug out bag and a frightened puppy is totally unnecessary.

Just a thought I had.



Tacos > Skinny

Over the last 7 months or so, I have been on a mission to get healthier, which includes losing some weight. So, I have been eating better and exercising and having fairly good results. Yay. However, a lot of people have tried to motivate me by saying “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

Those people are liars and scoundrels. I am here to tell you the truth and that is that I have eaten at least 10 things that taste better than skinny feels. At least.That doesn’t mean that I indulge all the time or gorge myself wantonly. I’m just saying, don’t tell me skinny feels better than eating a shrimp taco at Torchy’s. I have been skinny and I have eaten those tacos and let me tell you, the tacos are better.

Here Is A Thought On A Friday

You know that thing where your team makes it to a bowl game and then loses it in the 4th quarter? And then that team makes it to the NCAA tournament aka March Madness and then loses in the second round? And then you cry and cry and your tears are green and gold? That thing? It’s called being a Baylor fan.

History Is Fun! (And Also Why I Can Never Go Back To Starbucks)

Not too long ago, I was at a Starbucks on a coffee run. Then this happened.

Cashier: Your total is $10.66

Me: 1066! The Norman invasion! Battle of Hastings!

Cashier: No.

Me: Actually, yes.

Cashier: Sorry, I meant I don’t care.

Me: Ok then.

So, I can’t ever go back to that Starbucks again. Not because I am ashamed, but because I can’t stand to be served coffee by someone who wasn’t remotely interested in my random and all too enthusiastic historical outbursts. There are just too many random dates/names/places/people floating around in my head for me not to occasionally (aka all the time) drop some history on unsuspecting persons. Also, don’t mention my name at the Quiznos by Lake Travis, I once got into a pretty heated argument about Anne Boleyn there.

Girl Scout Cookies

Regardless of the outcome of an encounter with a girl scout, I am left feeling good and guilty. If I buy cookies, I feel good because I made those little girls so happy and guilty because I am completely giving in to cookie temptation. If I don’t buy cookies, I feel good for resisting delicious sugary carbs and guilty because the looks on the girls faces when I say “No, thank you” makes me feel like I just ripped to shreds their favorite book. There is no winning during girl scout cookie season. Next year, I think I will just stay inside and hide until it’s all over and I can run errands without the emotional roller-coaster.

And now I feel sort of guilty for writing this post, so as a sign of goodwill, I will give all the girl scouts a good tip: If you see me next year and I say “no” to the cookies, maybe cry a little bit because then I will buy ALL your cookies and probably also start a college fund for you.

Stop Lying About Your Puns

I think that 85% of the time when people say, “No pun intended.” They actually did intend to make a pun. Why lie about that? Why are you denying your pun? Embrace your puns people. If it’s a bad pun, don’t punish the pun (pun intended suckas) by denying it. If the pun is bad it’s your fault, not the puns. Stop lying about your puns.


My phone is silent most of the day I get very few calls or texts….until dinner time. At dinner my phone goes nuts with texts and calls. This happens almost every day and the only logical conclusion is that my phone has become sentient and is a real butthole. Does this happen to anyone else? Because if so, we need to alert the scientists and governments and Area 51 and all secret spy agencies that the technologies that live in our homes and even sleep close to our beds have developed consciousness and have really annoying personalities.