“Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humour in the woman. “ -Oscar Wilde
You know how, when you’re talking to your friends about past relationships, you have that moment when you say “Yeah, I should have known”? Well, I have a lot of those. Sure, hindsight is 20/20 , but there are definitely some things that should have made me end the relationship immediately. And sure, I could probably think of myself as “foolish” for sticking around but I prefer to think of it as “research” for my book on relationships. Also, most of my “I should have known.” moments are absolutely hilarious and I’m really happy I wrote them a lot of them down.
Here are some of my best “I should have known” moments with my commentary. Because these moments beg to be commented on. You’re welcome.
I should have known…..
* When he told me he didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed and that all the dinosaur bones people find are fakes planted by the governments of the world. Finally! The truth is revealed! I think you should travel the world and spread your “truthitude”. No, no. Don’t worry about me. I’ll carry on without you somehow.
* When he claimed that the JFK assassination wasn’t “that big a deal”. I’m afraid to ask what you think a “big deal” is. I’m going to back away slowly and hope you don’t notice when I’m gone.
* When he said he didn’t like Kurt Vonnegut. Oh? You didn’t like Slaughter-House Five? Really? No, seriously? Yeah….we’re breaking up.
* When he wanted to stay in and play a game he created that consisted of throwing a plastic water bottle across a room into a large trash can. He called it “Water bottle fun.” It’s not fun. You know what’s fun? Just about anything else.
* When he created a nickname for my nickname. That was the opposite of necessary. I’m both impressed and annoyed. Well played sir.
* When he played me a song on his guitar that was about the girlfriend before me. Wow. I can’t wait until we break-up and you write a song about me for your next girlfriend. I’m sure she will love it!
*When he claimed he was related to a fictional movie character. (He thought the guy existed in real life.) Really! That is very impressive. Especially because that person never existed. You must have access to another realm where things that don’t exist live. I bet you also own a pet unicorn.
* When he said ” I just want you to love me.” before we started dating and after he had just gotten off the phone with the other girl he was dating. Yeah, that seems like something you should say much later or you know, not at all. I’m ok with not at all. Also- how’s your other lady-friend? Good. Oh swell. I’m happy to hear that.
* When he said studying history was a “waste of time” because the world was probably going to end soon anyway. Huh. You don’t say. Although, if that’s true- and I’m sure it is- then isn’t studying anything a “waste of time”. I mean, except for studying how to keep the world from ending obviously.
* When he pronounced macabre as ma-cab-ray. Nope. Not how you say that. No, no. Don’t argue. It’s really not how you say that. Ok, fine. Keep saying it that way. In fact, use that word a lot more often. People will be impressed.
* When he claimed the pyramids in Egypt were probably an “optical illusion”. Really? If by “optical illusion you mean, actual physical structure made of stone. Then yes, the pyramids are an “optical illusion.”
* When he thought the North Pole was a fictional place. Santa might not be real but the North Pole is definitely a real place. Really, really, real.
* When he said “Majoring in science is like majoring in fiction.” Umm….no. Not so much. Also- have you met my Dad? The scientist?
You must all be so jealous of me right now. I mean, I dated a guy who didn’t believe dinosaurs ever existed. Of course, in these fellows defense- they all had some very nice redeeming qualities. And I definitely don’t regret dating them. Seriously. I have like, a million hilarious stories because of these guys. And I’m sure they have a million hilarious stories about me. Turn-around is fair play after all. Unfortunately for them, I pretty much tell all of my hilarious/humiliating stories to you anyway- beat you to the punch suckas!. Besides, I promise to call each and every one of them out by name as a way of thanking them in my book. Just kidding. I don’t even remember their names. I plan on numbering them in the order I dated them and call them Boyfriend 1, Boyfriend 2, Boyfriend 3, etc. Numbers are way more *romantic*.
* While numbers may in fact be more “romantic”, I actually do remember my ex-boyfriends names. Most of them. Like at least 82% of them.
* Also, the commentary I provided was current day me. Past me would have said things like “Interesting.” or the always clever “Oh. Ok.”
Feel free to share your “I should have known” moments!