I’m Like A More Awkward Less Qualified Ann Landers

Ann Landers

For reasons unknown to me, the great Google oracle has deemed my blog an appropriate place to send people searching for answers to life’s hardest questions. I don’t know what I did to earn this honor but I promise not to let you down Your Googleness! I will endeavor to answer any and all questions you send to me in the way in which you’ve come to expect of me, which I assume is ridiculously. And away we go!

Where does Ryan Gosling live? He lives in a magical place full of wonder and abs where sweet ambrosial nectar flows without pause and the lift scene from Dirty Dancing is recreated time and time again.

Why does Ryan Gosling say Hey Girl? The Gosling says “Hey Girl.” to bring ultimate awareness to your femininity at all times.

Can I get a what what?? You most certainly can. What What!

What does a mime look like? Like a ghost wearing too much make-up.

How do I tell my friend I hate her boyfriend? You don’t. It sucks, I know, but trust me, you really shouldn’t.

 Why am I getting teen vogue? I don’t know. I get it too even though I never subscribed to it. My best guess is that in an effort to make all woman hate their bodies, ages, and income, they have decided to do mass send outs of teen vogue. They’re cunning like that. And by “they” of course I’m referring to aliens.

What do I say when a girl wants a hug? You don’t say anything, you hug her. Unless you’re uncomfortable, in which case you should offer a high-five instead.

What can you hold in your bra? Depends on how large your bra is. For me, a credit card, a couple of $20s, and my ID. A more endowed lady might also be able to fit a cell phone in there.

How to get more candy when trick or treating? Clever costumes and puppy dog eyes.

Why do I get random hugs from strangers? I just needed a hug, ok?

How do I know if my boyfriend is a douche bag? If you’re asking me, he is.

How to break up with a douche bag? Easy. Here’s your script.

You: Listen, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

End scene. See how easy that was?

Why do people overuse words like hun, darling, babe? You know, I’ve come out really strong against these types of pet names but recently I’ve been wondering  what’s so wrong with them? In moderation, they’re actually kind of nice. In overuse, they’re still annoying as hell. So, to answer your question, I don’t know.

How awesome am I? If you’re reading my blog you are the epitome of awesome. Because I’m awesome. True story.

How did you get so funny? Awkwardness and a desperate need to be liked that is tempered by an I-Don’t-Give-A-Damn attitude.

I hope the great and powerful Google accepts these answers in the manner they were intended, which is not at all helpful. As a side note, I would just like to express my overwhelming sense of accomplishment that for the last two months the term “douche bag” has sent over 1,000 visits to this blog making it by far my most searched term. I would also like to send a special thank you to whomever searched “You’re divisible by stupid” for giving me my next catch phrase. Cheers!

Well Played Internet Searchers. Well Played.

I'm going to look so hot in this.

Guys. For real. I love the internet. Actually, I love internet searchers, because y’all are amazing. The search terms I’ve been getting recently have been nothing but pure gold. Pure. Gold. You guys have made me so happy- you don’t even know. Sure, at first I was a little confused, maybe even flabbergasted, but then joy filled my heart and the world felt like a safe and happy place. You restore my hope. You’re hope restorers.

* Boyfriend calls me dumpling.  8 of you searched for this, or maybe just 2 of you 4 times, or 4 of you 2 times, or 1 of you 8 times. Regardless, it led to my old lady (that’s what I call my blog) every time. And I have this to say to you, if your boyfriend calls you dumpling, I think you should call him “ex”.

* Aliens want to drink your blood. I know, right?! It’s important that we acknowledge that fact and prepare ourselves in case of alien invasion. Or maybe you were thinking about vampires, but we should probably arm ourselves against them as well. I’m afraid all that Twilight business has led us into a false security.

*12 year old birthday cake. 15 people searched this and I’m like…gross. Y’all should not eat that. It’s probably covered in mold- although, it’s probably penicillin by now so maybe you’re just being smart and avoiding your co-pay at the doctors office.

*Pitiful. 25 people searched this in the last month. All I have to say to that is “Yo mama.”

* I wasn’t that drunk-man you! Not only do I think you were, in fact, that drunk, I think you are still probably drunk. Don’t drink and Google y’all. People could get hurt.

* Advice column about girl things. 68 people searched this and found my blog in the last month. Which is weird because that’s not what this blog is at all, but I’m nothing if not a people pleaser so…..tampons are your friends, don’t wear a push-up bra to the gym, don’t wear a short skirt to meet the parents, wash your hair frequently, get a facial every once in a while, don’t pick at your zits, and never go to Victoria’s Secret when you feel fat. You’re welcome girls.

* Anti-Sexy Girl. An insulting 74 people searched this to find my blog. That shiz hurts. It’s true…but it hurts nonetheless. I would say “Yo mama.” but I’m sure your mother is lovely and I would hate to hurt her feelings. Also, apologize to her for the “pitiful” comment above, I feel terrible about it.

* Best way to tell your friend that you are their boyfriends lover. I’m like, whoa. That was a shockingly long and detailed search. If I had a boyfriend, I would be very worried right now that this was directed at me personally. But,since it’s not, and since you asked, I’ll answer. There isn’t a best way. She will be pissed. And rightfully so. Also, she might cut a ho- you may want a medical team standing by.

*Is it weird to have a crush on Alan Alda from M*A*S*H? No. No, it’s not. There is no other celebrity more deserving of a crush than Alan Alda. I have a deep and undying love for him. You’re welcome to continue crushing on him but remember, I got first dibs after his wife. And much like the betrayed girl in the above search term, I will cut a ho. Although, I am very pleasantly surprised that 9 of you searched this. Or 3 of you 3 times. Or it might have been just me 9 times….I don’t remember. Stop accusing me.

*Knighting ceremony. Is this the internets way of telling me I’m about to be knighted??! I’m so honored! I can’t wait to pick out my fascinator. Or wait…do I get to wear armor and wield a sword Joan of Arc style? Because I would own the hell out of a sword. Also, suits of armor really bring out my eyes.

Y’all be crazy but I love your guts. Well played. Very well played.

I Googled That.

You know, I really pride myself on using correct grammar. Sure, I make mistakes and I’m sure you could find about 1,000 in this blog (as a side note, please don’t do that, it makes you a douche-bag). So, when I don’t know the correct usage or pluralization of a word, I look it up. I’m telling you this because you need to know that about me for two reasons.

1. It’s important that we get to know each other better.

2. It will give some perspective to this post.

So, I’m on Twitter the other day and I see this:

Seth Myers Twitter

I thought it was pretty clever, which is to be expected, and I wanted to respond with an equally clever reply. Because, and I’m not totally sure about this, but I think I want Seth Myers to love me. Or at the very least think I’m hysterical, which to me, is basically the same thing. I wanted my reply to say “Hey! I’m a cute girl with a killer sense of humor. We should grab dinner sometime and I will charm your pants off (literally) with my humor.” Or, you know, something like that.

But, before I could officially reply, I had to Google this: “What is the plural of penis?”

True story.

You see, I have always referred to multiple penises as “peni”, and though I have some vague memory of creating that word because I thought it was funny, I’ve used it as if I learnt it in sex education on the day when they talked about how to refer to genitalia in the plural.  And can I just say, I think we should have probably spent more time on that lesson and less time on herpes. No offense to herpes but there are only so many mouth and junk sores I can look at in a day. As a side note, “junk” refers to genitalia and I actually did learn that word in school but not in an official class. Anyway, I Googled the plural of penis and it turns out it was penises and not peni. Personally, I think peni sounds funnier but, who am I to judge the English language? Now whenever I start to type any word that starts with “P” Google suggests some pretty racy stuff. It’s getting a little bit inappropriate Google, I wanted to find “pizza places” not “porn palaces”. Get it together.

Anyway, my reply tweet to Seth Myers was this:

Girl on the Contrary Twitter

It was a disaster. I was clearly too aggressive with the capital letters. Instead of being cute and sarcastic my tweet came off all yelly and stuck-up. Alas, no dinner invitation was extended and really, I can’t blame the poor guy. My tweet effectively punched him in the junk and then laughed at him when he cried in pain. Although, I have to say, I laughed hysterically at my own tweet for like, 2 minutes. At least I think I’m hilarious. This could probably be a Flirtation Failure post, no?


My Brain Just Exploded

Exploding head

I received a spam comment yesterday. And such a spam comment, I have never seen. It was a spam comment on any recommendations I might have to avoid spam comments. Spam to avoid spam!? BOOM. My brain just exploded.

And then, because I hadn’t done it in a while, I decided to have a look-see at what search terms have recently driven traffic to this my most beloved and trusty blog. And you know, what? My head exploded again. BOOM. It was like brains and imagination and curse words all over the place. Gross but beautiful. Before you continue reading, go to a safe and easily washable place- you want to make the brain matter clean-up as painless as possible.

Starving jokes– You people are sick. I distinctly remember writing a blog about how starving jokes cross a line. Take your garbage elsewhere

 Neck brace– Do you need one? Are you hurt? As magical as my blog may seem, it can’t heal you. Please seek medical attention immediately.

Is the term spinster ok to use?– Ummm, yes. I’ve been over this. You may mean it as an insult but historically speaking, it’s a compliment. Unless you’re calling me one and then it’s like “Yo mama a spinster.” and so forth.

Need to know about Donald Duck– Why? Maybe he doesn’t want you to know him. Maybe he’d like a little peace and quiet for a change. Back off his jock y’all.

This blog is probably written by a female 15-17– No, it’s not. Sucka! I’m 26 but I write like a teenager. Jealous? Oh wait…I want to look like a teenager not write like one. Balls.

You suck at flirting– You suck as flirting! Judgy McJudgester. Take your insults elsewhere, no matter how “true” they may be.

Birds that mean death– There are bids that mean death??! Look to the skies! Flying death! Save the children! Oh the horror! Which bird means death? Which bird??????

I am a trendsetter– No, you’re conceited. I am a trendsetter.

Should you help your girlfriends crush stalk her?– I’m really confused on the dynamics here. You have a girlfriend, she has a crush (that isn’t you), but you want to help that guy stalk her?? Still confused. Look, if you want my help, I’m going to need two things.

1. A better explanation.

2. A goat or other type of barnyard animal as payment. Actually, I want a sheep. Make it a sheep.

Why am I so terrified of aliens?– Because they are TERRIFYING. You should take pride in the fact that you’re intelligent enough to fear what should be feared. Luckily for you, I have a very good strategy for survival in the case of an alien attack. It involves large amounts of water, napalm, samurai swords, any type of swords really, daggars, and care-bear songs. I can’t give it all away but try and make your way to me in the case of an alien invasion and I will offer you my protection. You won’t be sorry. (You’ll probably be sorry.)

Naked girl with hat hugging two bears in the forest– This seems dangerous. I think you’ve misinterpreted what you’re seeing. You query should have read “All girl’s clothes except hat shredded as she is mauled by bears in the forest.”

Is a girl flirting if she doesn’t talk to me- Nope. I’m pretty sure flirting involves speech. I mean, I’m no expert, obviously, but it seems like there should be communication of some sort involved. Is she winking and “making eyes” at you? That may be flirting. Is she ignoring your very existence? Probably not flirting. At least, she isn’t flirting well. Wait, are we talking about me? Am I the girl who wasn’t talking to you? Because then, I probably was flirting.

Contrary to later– Contrary to later would be….now. You are a very wise person. I’m going to use this line if you don’t mind. “Hey GotC! Want to grab some lunch?” “Why yes I would! I would like to grab some lunch contrary to later.”

Can you see my thong– My blog isn’t a magic mirror. I can’t answer that question. Although, how amazing would it be if my blog were a magic mirror??

Are you Jamaican? Because you- ja-makin me crazy.– Oh you.

I may look like an ewok.– I can not think of any reason why this term brought anyone to my blog, however, I welcome you with open arms. Although, I don’t know what an ewok is or looks like. Nevertheless, you will find safe haven here Sir Ewok.

More endorphins less war.– Indeed. If the leaders of the world read this blog, all would be saved.

BOOM. Have fun cleaning up all the brains.

This Makes Me Really Proud. And Confused.

Kenny Rogers
Kenny Rogers, the face of Girl on the Contrary

I can’t decide whether Google is screwing with me or whether you people just get me. I hope it’s the second but, to be honest, it’s totally ok with me if Google is screwing with me because, wow, they have world domination to worry about so I must be really special for them to take some time to mess with me. Whatever the case, the recent search terms that people use to find my blog have made me so very, very proud.

Immortal jellyfish- What??? They are immortal??? That is terrifying. Oh wait, I blogged about that. I knew that. Still terrifying. So, what are we doing about this humans??

Poopeye- I don’t know what this means. It could be one of two options. 1. You meant Popeye. 2. You have poop in your eye. If it’s the first, no worries, it was a simple typo, it could have happened to anyone. If it’s the second you need to see a doctor immediately because if you don’t you will get eye chlamydia.

Kenny Rogers Lucille lyrics- This is incredible. Especially since I’ve never blogged about Kenny Rogers. But I am now. Kenny Rogers, y’all!

Can a man go in a Romans restroom?- Hey man. I don’t believe in segregating restrooms based on people’s ethnicity. I believe in a world where a man can go into any restroom whether he is a Roman or not. Take your racism somewhere else.

Why would a grocery store be haunted?- Umm, I could give you like a million reasons. 1. Because someone slipped on a strawberry and broke their neck and died. 2. Because an entire shelf of canned goods collapsed on someone and killed them. 3. Because someone had a terrible accident while racing through the store in their grocery cart- and they died. 4. Someone was brutally murdered there. I could keep going, but it all revolves around dying and murder, and I don’t want to give you nightmares or a phobia of grocery stores.

How to segway into making out- I can only help you if you want to find out how to make-out on a segway. Hint: It’s awesome.

Im not invisible, what does that mean?- It means people can see you. There is probably a joke in there somewhere but I actually can turn invisible and don’t want to make light of what a gift that is.

I Know This Is My Fault But….


Because I am a blogger who totally stalks their stats, I’ve been perusing the search terms people have used to find this blog in the past few weeks. I know I’ve blogged about this before but it never fails to disappoint me. I know that it’s my fault these terms lead people to my blog but….still……some of these are kind of weird

“Made you look.” Umm….no you didn’t. Also, what? When did I say that? And, who is Googling that? This one has more questions than answers.

“Dinosaur scaring someone ” Uh, yeah, they scare people all the time. They are scary. After I thought about this for a while I got a little scared that someone had a youtube video of me cowering and crying while watching Jurassic Park. Luckily, I was wrong.

“Walking into office.” Yes, I do that Monday-Friday. All the same, how do you end up on this blog with that search term? Unless you mean like walking into the wall of the office and hitting  your face. But that didn’t happen to me. Really.

“How to tell if your friend is being a douche.” They are being a douche. Don’t waste your time Googling for an answer. Also, I’ve never once written a post about my friends being douchey. Only their boyfriends.

“Scroll saw pattern girl name” Contact a doctor immediately because you are having a stroke. Or perhaps you are having a very bizarre acid trip. Either way, a doctor is what’s called for. I’m just a blogger, I can’t help you with serious medical issues such as these.

“Fall down.” You fall down. I’m not falling down. Oops, I just fell down. Touche.

“Guy at Starbucks today Texas.” He’s cute right? You should stalk him.

“Can a man use a women’s restroom?” No, no he can’t. That’s my final word on the matter.

“I crave hugs.” Me too! But only in the way Care Bears crave hugs- not in the pathetic way. I’m sure you aren’t pathetic either. Neither of us is pathetic. There, that’s settled.

“Preventing awkward moments.” The only way I prevent them is by living them and then telling you the cautionary tales. You’re welcome.

“Hugs cure.” Yes, they do. Unfortunately for me, no one would hug me when I had the plague so I had to resort to antibiotics.

“What is on my closet eats my clothes?” Duh. It’s a monster. Or a ghost. Or like moths. Oh! It’s probably definitely, a million moth ghosts. You should see a paranormal expert about that. I can only help you identify the problem, they can help you solve it.

“Ghosts and elevators.” I’m glad someone else sees the connection. Welcome friend.

“Sass your pants off.” Oh yes I will. You’ve been warned.

“Is is a compliment to be called cool?” If you don’t know then you probably aren’t cool. It’s okay, you’re among friends here.

“What to do calculator is Dad say maybe to do something and Mom say no.” I’m not a calculator so I probably can’t help you. Also, I don’t think a calculator can help you. Consulting your Ouija board might be a better option because ghosts know lots of stuff. Also, you may be having a stroke or a bad acid trip. Ask you Ouija board if you should call a doctor.

“Make a car out of letters.” Boy, would I like to see that. You’ve got the right idea friend. I hope you weren’t disappointed that that search term lead you to this blog where I have never ever talked about making a car out of letters.

“Wonder woman.” I get that a lot. I mean, if you consider a lot to mean never. Which I do. Because I’m contrary. Hence the blog.

I don’t know why some of these terms lead you here. It makes absolutely no sense to me- which is probably why I like it so much. I guess we all have to trust the great and mighty Google (which is really just a guy behind a curtain with a bunch of smoke, code, and sound machines- true story).

For Real Things I Have Recently Googled. This Is Not A Joke.

Google Giant
I shouldn't be allowed to Google.

1. Is there a Subway sandwich in Africa? I don’t even remember why I did this. I just know I did. Also, there is a Subway sandwich in Africa. In fact, South Africa has 13 of them. I bet this is a Jeopardy question. If anyone who reads this blog wins Jeopardy off of this question then I get half of whatever you win. It’s only right.

2. Best pumpkin desserts. Who wouldn’t want to know this?

3. Mumford and Sons Stubbs Austin. Tragically, all of the tickets are sold out. My heart breaks.

4. Can you add Google Alerts to your Google Alerts? The answer is yes. And just so you know, when I googled this, a wormhole was created. The universe is probably doomed. Sorry.

5. Plague symptoms. I was pretty sure I had it. Science was in my favor- all the symptoms I had pointed to plague. Sure, the symptoms I didn’t have pointed not to plague but I like to always focus on the positive. Long story short, the Plague and an ear and sinus infection can be easily confused. Seriously. It could have happened to anyone.

6. Fear of dinosaurs. Also known as Ornithoscelidaphobia. Yep. It’s a real thing and I’m not the only one who has it. In fact, loads of people have it. It’s completely normal. Really. It’s normal. Why are you looking at me like that?

7. What is a boysenberry? I knew it was a berry but I had no idea what it looked like. Also, as it turns out, it’s a hybrid berry, so it must be good for the environment.

8. What should my rap name be? I have mad rapping skills. So, I decided I needed a good name in order to release an album. Here are the options I was given: GC Deja Glide, GC Baddie Kid, Tiny Rhythm Girl,  Girl C-Note Face, Serious Fresh Girl, Girl C Trixx, GC Triple Tripp, and Young G. I think I will probably go with GC Baddie Kidd or Girl C-Note Face. What do you think? The only one I hate is Tiny Rhythm Girl because you know my rhythms are anything but tiny! Holla.

9. Black snakes in Texas. Because there was one in my garage yesterday. True story. And I don’t live in the country. I live in a city. And yet, somehow, there was a black snake in my garage yesterday. No word yet on whether or not it’s poisonous. I bet it is.

I could have put 10 things but I didn’t want to be cliche. Lists with 10 things are so dull. What have you been Googling lately? (Keep the porn to yourself)