I have been having some very disturbing and bizarre dreams as of late. Which begs the question, is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Because if it is, then I’m not really receiving the message.
I had several- let me repeat- several dreams about high school a couple of nights ago. Which I find extraordinarily disturbing. I can’t figure what is happening in my subconscious right now. Am I supposed to have learned something from these dreams? Was there a hidden relevance that I’ve missed? It’s not that I didn’t like high school- on the contrary, I had a really decent experience. A lot better than most people I talk to. But why am I dreaming about it? I’m one of those people who doesn’t really think to much on previous phases of their life. I mean, I might think back on lessons I learned from certain experiences or reminisce about funny things that happened, but for the most part once a certain phase of my life is over- it’s over. I don’t want to go back. One of the weirdest parts of these dreams is that my first boyfriend is featuring prominently in them. Why? I have no idea. That was over a decade ago. Why is my subconscious doing this to me? It’s making me uncomfortable.
The worst dream happened Saturday night. I dreamt that space aliens (and you know how I love those) posing as people had tricked hundreds of my friends and I into getting on a school bus and riding into outer space with them. Luckily, I figured out their evil plan (it had something to do with using us as science projects) and tried to get all my friends to get off the bus. None of my friends would budge. One of my best friends wouldn’t even get off the bus when I told her if she went she would miss the Deathly Hallows movies. She wouldn’t come! And she loves Harry Potter! I was fully dismayed. Then, in order not to be caught by the space aliens I fled into this train station like place and hid in the bathroom where one of the girls from Teen Mom handed me a phone to call my family. For some reason I called my Aunt first and she actually wanted me to go with the aliens! I was gutted. Then I called my Mom and she was shockingly nonchalant. It was very traumatic. Then I woke up. What could this mean?
I think maybe I broke my subconscious somehow. I’m not sure what did it but it does seem to be malfunctioning because these dreams are so random and bizarre. Unless it isn’t broken. Maybe it’s just screwing with me. Like, it gets bored and when I’m sleeping is the only time it ever has anything important to do so it’s just really living it up dream-wise and trying to screw with my non-sleeping hours too. What a mischievous subconscious I have. And if it is my subconscious just screwing around with me then it’s working. I’m feeling very confused. Should I join a bus full of space aliens or go back to high school? I just don’t know. Maybe my subconscious will be more clear tonight.
The following is a real conversation I had with an 8 year old today.
8 year old: I wonder if that was a dream or if it happened?
Girl on the Contrary: When what happened?
8 year old: When the thing happened that I’m not sure happened because it might have been a dream.
Girl on the Contrary: Ok. But what happened? What was the thing that happened?
8 year old: What happened happened. The thing. Do you think it was a dream? Or did it happen?
Girl on the Contrary: That’s a difficult question. I guess I would have to know what the what was.
8 year old: Exactly. The what that happened, did it really happen or was it a dream?
Girl on the Contrary: I totally get you. You are an 8 year old version of me. Or you are me. Is this a dream?
8 year old: Maybe.
So there you have it. I am an 8 year old. Everything this kid said made total sense to me and exploring these issues was endlessly fascinating. I’m not sure whether to be proud of this or ashamed of it. I think I will take an optimistic view of things and go with proud.
Seriously, what type of music do unicorns listen to? I can only imagine it is beautiful and haunting. I want to hear it. I bet it’s really good and they probably pretend not to be real so we don’t steal their music. Selfish unicorns.
It’s like I have so many unanswered questions about things that are probably not real. I mean, there have to be answers.
I’m always thinking about what house I would be sorted into at Hogwarts. And I know there are supposed tests online that will tell you but I don’t want to find out that way. I want the sorting hat to sort me. Is that really asking to0 much?
Are we really sure Narnia isn’t real? Because C.S. Lewis did a pretty good job of convincing me it is real. Either he was just a really good writer or he was trying to tell the world about this beyond awesome place and everyone just thought he was insane and so they labeled his books “fiction” so as not to ruin his reputation. I really want Narnia to be real and then find a way to go there. Because I deserve it.
You might be wondering why I’m not asking any questions about Vampires or Werewolves. There are 2 answers to this question.
1. I am not a teenager.
2. Vampires drink blood and Werewolves maul you to death and then I think they eat you (although, admittedly, I’m not sure about that). I only want happy things to be real. Because although Twilight is very entertaining there are far more sources of vampire and werewolf brutality against humans. I have to go with the majority here- vampires and werewolves are scary.
And some people (Twilighters) might argue that Harry Potter was way scarier and a lot worse things happened in it because people actually died. And my response to that is, yeah of course people died, it’s real life. People die in real life. They don’t live eternally. Sheesh. And then all the Twlighters are like “Edward Forever!” and I’m like “He will always be Cedric Diggory to me” And they can’t argue because he was totally Cedric Diggory first. I believe I just won my argument. Also, Harry Potter was happy because good triumphed over evil. And I have to wonder what they are teaching in schools these days if kids don’t know that good triumphing over evil is happy.
And now I am really wondering why I wrote this post. Because it’s weird. And also I’m wondering if this is really a dream and that’s why this post is so bizarre and completely unnecessary. And now I’m wondering if it’s possible to write a blog post in a dream.
This list of questions regarding impossible things is getting really long….
Fate. It’s an interesting, and for me at the moment an all-consuming, concept. Fate is defined as “The cause, force, principle, or divine will that predetermines events.” Another way to think of it is destiny, the definition of which is “the fixed order of things; invincible necessity.” I like that wording quite a bit “invincible necessity” something that no matter how hard you try to fight it will always win will always triumph over your will.
My Mother and I were discussing people we knew who seemed to want something so badly ,and in our estimation deserved to get what they wanted, but who never did. They never realized a dream they worked for tirelessly, they never got that promotion, had a baby, found true love, discovered a new element, or became a rocket scientist. Why? Why, if they deserved it, if they worked with everything they had at it, didn’t they achieve what they wanted? Fate. Destiny. The best we could come up with is that maybe they weren’t meant for those things. It’s a shame but what can be done about it? Nothing. Nothing can be done to change it.
So, I’m realizing that, while what I want may seem pedestrian compared to the things I listed above, it doesn’t make me any more fated to receive them. Just because what I want is smaller doesn’t mean I automatically get it. Not if “it wasn’t meant to be”. So, while some people may call it fate or destiny- as one of those people who just “wasn’t meant to” -I have to say it feels quite a bit more like doom.
I live a large part of my life in daydreams. So occasionally my reality is tainted by my imagination and I am always completely stunned at the contrariness of the two. My imagined life is extraordinarily extraordinary, my real life is quiet and ordinary, not bad certainly and happy definitely, but inevitably less than imagined. Alas. What is a contrary girl to do? Something, I just have to do something. The difficulty lies in the sheer amount of things I have imagined myself doing- writing a wildly unexpected and successful novel, becoming an artsy pianist a la Regina Spektor, catching a serial killer, winning a Nobel Peace Prize, discovering there really is a Narnia…and a million other things I’ve daydreamed myself doing that probably won’t (or can’t) ever be done, at least not by me.
But then again…sifting through the more absurd and unrealistic dreams (Oh, Narnia if only you really did exist!) I find myself wondering why I haven’t considered the possibility that a least a few of these imaginings are, in fact, possible. Why have I always assumed never? Never is, after all, an awfully long time- it seems to me that logically there are very few things that will never happen. So, I’m going to try, at least make an attempt, at being the extraordinary me of my daydreams or countrarywise my daydreams are going to make an attempt at being me.