That Mirror I Was Dancing In?? Yeah, It Was A Window.

This is a true story. I don’t know why I felt the need to preface it as a true story, I just did. You really won’t have any trouble believing this of me at all. In fact, if anything, you will be surprised it hasn’t happened before this. So it goes.

Now, we have already established that I know I’m not invisible in my car. I don’t care if people see me dancing/driving anymore. I got over that embarrassment real quick. Now I take pleasure in knowing that someone’s day was probably made at least a little bit more joyful by seeing me dance in my car. You can’t help but laugh and I was born to make people laugh even at the cost of complete humiliation to myself. If someone gets a good laugh out of it I couldn’t care less if the experience was beyond humiliating to me. I truly am saint-like in that respect.

Anyway, I was in my car and driving/dancing my heart out to Swedish House Mafia (if you like House music at all and don’t know who they are then shame on you. Shame I say!), when I pulled up to my office building. I usually park in the parking garage because that’s where people who work in the building are supposed to park but the oh-so-close to the door visitors parking was just too inviting. I’ll admit it, I parked there. When it comes to close parking, I am no saint. Anyway, the outside of the building is made completely of windows. Windows that look like mirrors from the outside. I know that they are windows. Really, I do. Except, today I forgot that. Today, I felt really sure they were mirrors. And when I pulled up to those mirrors and saw myself dancing in them I couldn’t help but bust a wicked move. And just when I was savoring my frivolity the most, I remembered that those “mirrors” were really windows, and that behind those windows was an office full of people getting the laugh of their lifetime at my dancing. Serves me right for parking in a visitor spot. And though I was extremely embarrassed, I had to take comfort in my life motto which is “Make ’em laugh.” which I am very very sure I did. You’re welcome office full of people who would have had terrible days if not for me.

On the positive side, every time I look in a mirror I will be reminded of this and probably start laughing. Which might make people around me think that I have really low self-esteem but actually it will just be because I find myself hilarious. Or maybe people will think I’m insane and that will probably make me laugh harder which will make them think I’m really insane. Now that I think about it, nothing bad can come from this experience. But I will definitely park in the garage tomorrow.

Apparently I’m NOT Invisible in My Car

Invisible Man
Wait, can you see me??!!

This came as quite the shock to me. All of this time I’ve been under the impression that once I  am in that driver’s seat no one can see me. I mean, I know the car isn’t invisible but I guess I thought that nobody could see me in it. I don’t know why I thought that because it isn’t as if my windows are tinted but I definitely thought that.

Today, I was rudely awakened from this fantasy. I now know I am NOT invisible when I am in my car. Let me tell you why. I was listening to BBC Radio1 as per usual and dancing up a storm to my summer jam We No Speak Americano and really not thinking anything of it when I glanced over at the car next to me (you see I always knew I could see them I just didn’t think they could see me, I really don’t know why I thought that) and the older couple in it were laughing up a storm. At first I thought it was so sweet that they were so old and yet could still make each other laugh like that. Then I realized they were laughing at me. Because they could see me. Which I didn’t realize until that very moment. I froze mid dance-move and considered the position I was in. What is the proper etiquette for being caught dancing while driving? I decided to keep dancing. I don’t know if that was the right thing to do or not but my summer jam was on people! I had to keep dancing. Also, I didn’t want them to think they had shamed me into not dancing. Ha! Nobody but nobody can ever shame me into not dancing. I gots to dance, yo!

I did learn an important lesson, however. People CAN SEE ME when I am in my car. This probably definitely won’t effect my dancing but it will definitely change the way I drive. I mean, when I am shouting curse words at negligent drivers they might be able to see what I am saying (because even if they can’t read lips I’m sure it’s pretty clear) and then really get road raged up and try to shoot me. People are getting shot on Mopac these days, y’all. This is some serious shiz. I need to be more careful. Also, I probably won’t check to see if there is food between my teeth as often- although then I actually might get caught with food in between my teeth so I guess I need to weigh out which one is more humiliating.

I guess you learn new things everyday. I mean, this is probably something I should have already known but for some reason had escaped my knowledge previously, but it was a lesson nonetheless. Use this as a cautionary tale. People can probably see you too. Unless your car windows are really really tinted. Or you actually have the power of invisibility. But if neither of those things apply people can definitely see you in your car. Try not to embarrass yourselves- humiliation is best left to the professionals like me.

Do These Things or My Advice Column Post

Whenever you hear the song “if you’re happy and you know it…” you should always clap your hands. If you weren’t happy then clapping will make you happy. Or get out a little aggression depending on how hard you clap. Either way- it’s a win.

If you are anywhere near funnel cakes, stop and buy one. They are delicious and will make you feel like a child again.

Shave your head. Boy, girl, it doesn’t matter. Liberate yourself from your hair. I mean, I totally won’t do this because I have a lumpy head so I can’t. You understand. But you should totally shave your head. In fact, you should feel sorry for me that I can’t shave my head because you get a bigger share of liberation than I do.

Write a blog. It makes you feel really good. Except when for no reason whatsoever nobody visits your site and then you feel really bad about yourself and your writing. But then the next day lots of people visit and your faith in yourself is restored. Really, it’s like a roller-coaster.

Pretend things. Don’t lie to people because I heard that if you are a liar, liar, then your pants catch on fire. So you definitely don’t want to lie. But sometimes, when you are alone pretend something. I like to pretend that my blog is so clever and funny that one day BBC radio 1 contacts me and begs me to move to London so I can have a weekly radio show and then I do and everybody loves my radio show and happiness ensues. This pretend is just a warm-up to the really big pretending but I can’t tell you about those pretends because I don’t want you to steal my imagination.

Dance a lot. Like a whole lot. To whatever kind of music you want. Even if you’re just sort of jumping around it will make you feel really good. Also, it’s great exercise. My advice is really good for your health.

Use post-its. They are one of the best inventions ever created. They come in lots of colors and keep you organized. I love post-its. If I’m having a really bad day I will write myself a note on a post-it and it’s like getting a kiss from a neon colored angel. Just like that.

Laugh at people you don’t like. Probably not to their faces because then you might start an “altercation” but when they aren’t around totally laugh at them. Instead of dwelling on how angry/frustrated/annoyed/fill-in-the-blank-emotion they made you, just laugh at them. It’s like in Harry Potter when boggarts turn into something you are afraid of and then the way you defeat them is to turn them into something funny and laugh at them. Laughter is how you defeat your enemies too. Pretty much all life lessons come from Harry Potter.

There will be much much more advice. Feel free to ask me any lingering questions about life you may have- I am super good at answering them. I can only make your life better. I will make your life better. Repeat after me, “Girl on the Contrary makes my life better.”

So to end- ” If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands!” (You better be clapping).

Were Laverne and Shirley Happy?

Laverne and Shirley Sing
They made an album- so they must have been happy!

I think this is an important questions to ask oneself. I am pondering this question more and more as I consider the fact that I might be moving in with  my sister soon. And I imagine it will be a lot like Laverne and Shirley. They always seemed happy to me. But were they really happy? Also, I’m wondering how long it took them to choreograph the dance they do at the beginning of the show- because I don’t think my sister will be willing to spend a lot of time learning a dance but I would really like to have a little something prepared for move-in day. Then all of our neighbors will think we are really crazy hip and be nervous to talk to us but then they will overcome that nervousness and bring us an assortment of baked goods to welcome us to the neighborhood. I can’t remember if that happened in Laverne and Shirley or not. But instead of Milwaukee we will live in Austin. In fact, I think people will be much more open to a dance number in Austin than in Milwaukee. I wonder if my sister remembers how to do a kick-ball-change?

Also, I really want to start putting the letter L on all my shirts. I guess my sister can too because both our names start with L but I would really feel more comfortable if that was just my thing. She probably won’t argue, she has to wear scrubs all the time anyway. Although if I was in the hospital and my nurse had the first letter of her name on all her scrub tops I would defnitely feel like I was getting better care. I bet I could sell that idea to hospitals and make a fortune.

I’m worried that Laverne and Shirley weren’t truly happy. I mean Shirley totally bailed on Laverne in the last season and I don’t want that to happen to me. (I think I’m Laverne and my sister is Shirely- she would say I was Shirley and she is Laverne but this is my blog so I’m kind of calling the shots) Who would jump rope with me and help me humiliate my nemesis “Big Rosie Greenbaum”? I’m just thinking worst case scenario here. I mean, if Laverne and Shirley were happy why did Shirley leave? (This is actually a real question if anyone knows the answer because I can’t remember).  I just don’t want the magic to fade from our totally awesome relationship. Maybe it was moving to Burbank that tore Laverne and Shirley apart- so if my sister and I avoid Burbank would should probably be ok. Right?

Also, we don’t have a Lenny and Squigy in this situation and I think they were a big part of the magic that was Laverne and Shirley. What if our apartment doesn’t have a Lenny and Squigy? Are we doomed? I feel like an awful lot is riding on the answers to these monumental questions. I have a plan of action though.

Step 1- Watch every season of Laverne and Shirley and analyze their behavior to make judgement on happiness.

Step 2- Write to Penny Marshall (Laverne) and Cindy Williams (Shirley) and ask them these questions. I think they will be able to help.

Step 3- Make sure my sister actually still wants to live with me after reading this post.

Step 4- Make decision and live with the consequences. No turning back.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!