Things I Would Do If I Were Stuck In An Elevator

elevator help is on the way

My company moved offices last week. Our old building had elevators that were covered in mirrors that made you look really fat. They hurt my self-esteem on a daily basis. So, I was pretty excited to see the elevators at the new office were not mirrored. Well, I was excited about them until I got into one and the doors didn’t shut completely but the elevator started to go down anyway. Not super comforting. I can’t decide which is worse, the apparent lack of safety in the new elevators or the soul-crushing of the old elevators. I’ll probably just take the stairs from now on. Except that the stairs in the new office look like they might be haunted. Love. It.

Anyway this experience forced me to think about what I would do in case I got stuck in the probably haunted, at the very least not safe, elevator at work. This is the list I came up with. I am now completely prepared for the worst. Except for the haunted part, I really need to get a plan together in case of ghosts. In fact, I can’t believe I don’t already have one. I’m not as prepared for life as I thought I was if I don’t have a haunting contingency plan.

Note: This list assumes I have my purse with me. Also, you should know I have a lot of things in my purse.

1. Create my own language. I might do this even if I don’t get stuck in an elevator. But I was just thinking that getting stuck in an elevator is probably really motivating and since I would be facing death I would probably want to leave something behind to be remembered for. I’m pretty sure my language would have a lot of z’s in it. I bet someone deliberately traps me in an elevator now because they are so eager to hear the language I create, but don’t do it people, these things need to happen naturally.

2. Write down all the animals I can think of and then alphabetize them. I bet I could think of a lot of animals and I really like to alphabetize things. This would be a pretty excellent time killer. And hey, an alphabetized list of animals would make a really great present to give to someone. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.

3. Practice my dance moves. Getting stuck in an elevator would be a stellar opportunity to perfect my killer moves. Also, I might create some new dance moves that would be so amazing they would create world peace. Is there a Nobel prize for dancing? Probably not, because everyone knows I would win every year and that might seem unfair to people after a while.

4. Write a song parody to the alphabet song. How could I even do this? Magic. Also, the language I create might have a part in it.

5. Try to communicate with the ghosts in the elevator. Obviously, the elevator is haunted, otherwise, how would it have gotten stuck? Duh. Everyone knows that if an elevator gets stuck it’s because it’s haunted. I bet they would be pretty cool ghosts and after we talked for a while they might feel kind of bad about trapping me and then tell me some secrets that would make me really rich to apologize. Thanks ghosts, I’m really glad we had a chance to talk, and don’t worry about trapping me, it makes for a good story.

6. Write a treatise on something revolutionary. I’ve always wanted to do this. Getting stuck in an elevator is as good an opportunity as any other. Also, I bet if you’re stuck in an elevator a lot of things become really clear to you.

7. Take a nap. I might be in there a while and I really need my rest if I’m going to do 1-6.

 

What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator???

I Think My Subconscious is Screwing With Me.

DreamingI have been having some very disturbing and bizarre dreams as of late. Which begs the question, is my subconscious trying to tell me something? Because if it is, then I’m not really receiving the message.

I had several- let me repeat- several dreams about high school a couple of nights ago. Which I find extraordinarily disturbing. I can’t figure what is happening in my subconscious right now. Am I supposed to have learned something from these dreams? Was there a hidden relevance that I’ve missed? It’s not that I didn’t like high school- on the contrary, I had a really decent experience. A lot better than most people I talk to. But why am I dreaming about it? I’m one of those people who doesn’t really think to much on previous phases of their life. I mean, I might think back on lessons I learned from certain experiences or reminisce about funny things that happened, but for the most part once a certain phase of my life is over- it’s over. I don’t want to go back. One of the weirdest parts of these dreams is that my first boyfriend is featuring prominently in them. Why? I have no idea. That was over a decade ago. Why is my subconscious doing this to me? It’s making me uncomfortable.

The worst dream happened Saturday night. I dreamt that space aliens (and you know how I love those) posing as people had tricked hundreds of my friends and I into getting on a school bus and riding into outer space with them. Luckily, I figured out their evil plan (it had something to do with using us as science projects) and tried to get all my friends to get off the bus. None of my friends would budge. One of my best friends wouldn’t even get off the bus when I told her if she went she would miss the Deathly Hallows movies. She wouldn’t come! And she loves Harry Potter! I was fully dismayed. Then, in order not to be caught by the space aliens I fled into this train station like place and hid in the bathroom where one of the girls from Teen Mom handed me a phone to call my family. For some reason I called my Aunt first and she actually wanted me to go with the aliens! I was gutted. Then I called my Mom and she was shockingly nonchalant. It was very traumatic. Then I woke up. What could this mean?

I think maybe I broke my subconscious somehow. I’m not sure what did it but it does seem to be malfunctioning because these dreams are so random and bizarre. Unless it isn’t broken. Maybe it’s just screwing with me. Like, it gets bored and when I’m sleeping is the only time it ever has anything important to do so it’s just really living it up dream-wise and trying to screw with my non-sleeping hours too. What a mischievous subconscious I have. And if it is my subconscious just screwing around with me then it’s working. I’m feeling very confused. Should I join a bus full of space aliens or go back to high school? I just don’t know. Maybe my subconscious will be more clear tonight.

That Mango is Fresh

So, it seems that I have developed a bad habit of verbalizing my constant and ever-flowing stream of consciousness into my conversations with people. I’m pretty sure that while sometimes this can be funny mostly it is annoying. Please accept this blog post as an apology (the title of this post should make it clear to those whom I am apologizing to).

So, in an effort to be less annoying in conversation I thought I might get a little of my typical stream of consciousness out in this blog. You are welcome, or, I sincerely apologize, depending on how you feel. Also, my stream of consciousness is more like the river Nile than a stream. You’ve been warned.

The Nile
Welcome to my consciousness. There might be crocodiles.

The following is an approximation of the thoughts I was having when I went to dinner with my dear friends last Friday and ate some really fresh mango.

They really look pretty  tonight. I wonder if she made that dress or bought it. She is so good at sewing. Should I sew? Can I sew? Do I have the attention span needed to sew? I wonder if I have ADD. Probably not. I might have had more trouble in school if I had it. Is there late-onset ADD? Because I might have that. I wonder how many people go without being diagnosed with diseases they actually have? I bet lots. Lots and lots of sick people who don’t know it. That would be awful. I hope I don’t have a disease I don’t know about. Oh great, now I sound like my Grammy. What did she just say? I’m going to need to take a bite of her dessert. This dinner was so good. I could die happy with a meal like this. I don’t really want to die though. Just a thought. Why did I qualify it was “just a thought” to myself? I know it’s a thought I freaking thought it. Something is definitely wrong with my brain. Yum, this mango is really fresh. Oops, I just said “that mango is really fresh” out loud and interrupted her story. I’m a jerk. You know who else is a jerk?  That guy I saw texting and driving on the way here. Way to put other people in danger douche bag. I can’t believe I got lost on the way here- I’ve been here before. I am getting really sick of my directionally challenged ways. Also, why do I only have a hard time getting around the USA? I never once have gotten lost in East Africa or Europe. Ok, there was that 1 time in Ireland I apparently got on the wrong bus. Although I still think it was the right bus and I should have just asked but I was too humiliated and then I just ended up getting off in some neighborhood and walking around like I knew where I was going. Then I found a cab and just barely had enough money for him to take me to my hotel. I’m so embarrassed. Man, the Chinese food at that hotel was amazing though. I haven’t had Chinese food in a while. This place is probably some of the best Mexican food I have ever had. I’m glad she picked this place. I should come here more often. There was a Hey Cupcake on the way here, I should stop by there later. Those cupcakes are so delicious. I wonder how early they have to get up? I dread waking up early. It’s not that I sleep late, I just don’t like having to get up. I should start working out more though. I miss my daily yoga. Why did I stop? I wonder if it would help my mood at work? Maybe I should try that. I’m so glad it’s a long weekend. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lay around and watch trashy television and write blog posts. Do I have enough blog ideas for next week? I don’t want to have a bad week, my stats have dropped enough as it is. I hope people aren’t getting bored with my writing. I really need to focus on my book. How am I ever going to get published if I don’t finish it? I’m a failure. No, I’m not a failure, think positive. Ok, time to pay the check.

This is only about a quarter of the things I thought. And I was having a conversation the whole time (although admittedly it was punctuated by some of these thoughts on accident). I would say this is a pretty impressive feat of multi-tasking. Only, I wasn’t really getting anything done.

Sorry to my two beautiful friends! I will really try not to let this happen again. But it might.

Your Office Doesn’t Care About Your Health.

BlockedI do care about your health. I want to make sure you know as much as possible about serious diseases such as eye chlamydia. Your office doesn’t want you to know that. They want you to get eye chlamydia. They are probably trying to kill you. Shame on them.

How do I know this? Well, I was first informed by one Mr. OpentoAdventure that his office had blocked my blog due to the term “chlamydia”. Had that been the only issue I might have chalked this up to a victory- a real “Damn the Man” moment. Unfortunately, what happened is that I then learned that many readers of this blog were unable to read my blog because of office blocks. Immediately, I realized this was a conspiracy to keep people misinformed about eye chlamydia. Someone doesn’t want you to know about this highly contagious disease, but who is it? I went through the list of usual suspects, Pharmaceuticals, Insurance, Otters, and the Government, but I ruled them out one by one. Who is behind this campaign of blocked information/humor  or as I like to call it ” The Eye Chlamydia Conspiracy of 2010″ ??

The answer to that question is spiders. Eight-legged many eyed spiders. As it turns out they want to have the monopoly on eyes in nature so they want yours to become diseased and fall out. And office internet watchdogs are in on it. The spiders are paying them off. In silk. Oh wait, that’s silkworms. Ok- the spiders are paying them off by scaring their enemies for them. It’s like a mafia thing. The spiders play the tough guys for the office internet watchdogs and then the watchdogs then in turn block my website so you can’t learn about eye chlamydia. Jinkies!

The worst part is that you probably can’t even read this post to become informed about this horrific plot to kill your eyes by the spiders because I have used the word “chlamydia” like 1 million times. Your eyes are going to fall out!!! Because, I’m pretty sure that’s what eye chlamydia does to you. Evil spiders. Just because they want to have the monopoly on eyes. I can’t imagine what they are doing to other creatures with eyes. This is a sad and scary world folks.

Also, I wrote this post because my sister thought my first eye chlamydia reference was funny.

So really it comes down to 4 things.

1. Your office doesn’t care about your health.

2. Spiders want to be the only creatures with eyes.

3. Spiders and office watchdogs are in the mafia together.

4. My sister thinks I’m funny.

Also, I bet you won’t believe that I wrote this post completely sober. I did. It really is a sad scary world.

That Time The Guy Sitting Next To Me On A Plane Took His Pants Off.

Airplane
This airplane is full of people with their pants off. Probably.

This is a story I had forgotten about until today. I don’t know why I suddenly thought of it. I promise I wasn’t thinking about guys taking their pants off. At least not until I thought about the guy who sat next to me on a plane and took his pants off.

When I was 23, I sort of ran away to Uganda for a few months to figure my life out. I knew this journey required a lot of long flights and time in airports. I prepared myself for a couple days of long and boring flights. As it turned out, my last flight wasn’t boring at all. I was sitting next to a nice guy with long dreadlocks and a very pleasant smile. We struck up a conversation pretty early in the flight and I really enjoyed talking to him. He definitely had some interesting stories. About midway through the flight, we were brought our dinners (although by that time I had no idea what time it was or if I should be eating dinner or breakfast) and stopped talking to eat. After dinner I was preparing to put on my eye mask and hopefully fall asleep for the rest of the flight when I noticed the nice guy sitting next to me starting to unbutton his pants. Well, I was speechless. I couldn’t possibly imagine what this guy was doing. I really began to panic when he pulled his pants down to his thighs. I was frozen in place, not sure what the appropriate response to this should be. I didn’t want to look but I really couldn’t look away. Then he pulled out a needle from his backpack. Aha! I realized he was diabetic and was giving himself an insulin shot (actually, if I’m being honest, my first thought was heroin but that seemed a little unlikely). At first, I felt somehow more comfortable with what was going on in the seat next to me. But then, I couldn’t help but wonder why he didn’t take his insulin and go the the bathroom to give himself a shot? Why was he choosing to take his pants off in the middle of an airplane while sitting next to a very unsettled girl(me)?

Alas, I will never know the answers to these questions because I just couldn’t bring myself to ask them. I mean, I didn’t want it to get more awkward than it already was and I’m pretty sure that  no matter what I said I would have handled it the wrong way. Anyone else have a strange airplane story??? (It’s going to be hard to beat the guy who took his pants off though…..)

Twitter Wants Me to Follow Twitter on Twitter.

Twitter

I’m just going to say/write it again so everyone understands the enormity of the situation- Twitter wants me to follow Twitter on Twitter. So the request would read “follow Twitter on Twitter”. Anyone else’s mind being blown by this?? Seriously? I mean, if I’m using Twitter doesn’t that pretty much mean I’m partaking in the Twitter experience enough? Apparently not. They want more. They want you to follow them on their own website. I feel like if I said this 3 times in a mirror and then turned around 3 times a bloody social media executive would appear and murder me.

What’s next? Follow Twitter on Twitter while Tweeting about Twitter? Yes, apparently that is the next step because I searched it and a LOT of people who follow Twitter on Twitter tweet about Twitter. Say that 5 times fast (Twitter Twitter Tweet Twitter), actually, for all you actors out there this is probably a good vocal warm-up. You’re welcome.

I just don’t know if I can get behind Twitter that much. Wait, can you Facebook friend Facebook? I don’t know the answer to that but I would like to if anyone else does. I wonder if you get sucked into some type of vortex when you follow Twitter on Twitter or Facebook friend Facebook. It seems like that has to happen- like you have to be sucked into a vortex or black hole. Scientifically that would make sense.

See, now I’m in a dilemma because originally I thought “no way am I following Twitter on Twitter” but now that I’m pretty sure you get transported to an alternate universe or something I might want to. It’s a tough call. Hmmmm. I guess I’ll stay in this reality (I mean as much as I am ever in this reality) because I really wouldn’t know how to prepare for the alternate universe/vortex and I don’t want to go into it unprepared. Sorry Twitter. You lose this time.

Totally.

Totally
MichelArt.net

I’m trying very hard not to say the word “totally” anymore. Why? Because I had a rare moment of clarity the other day and realized I sound like the movie Valley Girl. This movie is absolutely wonderfully awful. A classic. And though I may enjoy watching it, I would rather lose my voice permanently than sounds like any of the girls in this movie. Here are some examples of the things they say…

” Like, totally.”

“Totally to the max!”

“Gag me with a spoon. Totally.”

Notice a trend? It’s the word “totally”. And I have “totally” been saying “totally” way too often. I don’t know how it wormed it’s way into my speech like a language parasite but it definitely did. All of the sudden I am emphasizing everything I say with the word “totally”. It’s like my sentence doesn’t mean as much if I don’t have a “totally” in it. Terrible. Shameful. Ridiculous.

I realized this embarrassing fact about myself at work when I was in a meeting with a client. All of the sudden it hit me that I had just used the word “totally” 3 times in the same sentence. Gag. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing myself say. The more I talked the more I realized I sounded like the world’s most ridiculous woman in the world. I was, like totally, humiliating myself to the max, ya’ll. Really.

It’s not that I have a problem with the word totally per se. I just think it is overused and abused in the the English language. I just don’t want to sound like a high school cheerleader because (shocker) I’m not a high school cheerleader. I’m a grown-up (ok I can hear you laughing from here…) I’m at least a somehow grown-up so I should try and speak like a somehow grown-up. Right? Actually, the more I think about it the more I realize I sound very little like a grown-up most of the time. Huh. I’m having another lightbulb moment……

Ok- new goal is not to eradicate “totally” from my speech all the time, just from my client meetings. Forget being a grown-up I want to be a high school cheerleader! (I really don’t want be a high school cheerleader)

You see how I changed my mind in the middle of this post? That’s why they call me contrary. And so it is.