Someday, I am going to learn that eating half of a watermelon makes my tummy hurt. That day was not last Monday. Or last Wednesday. Or last Friday.
Someday, I am going to remember that one cup of coffee gives me a good boost, but two cups of coffee makes me a complete and total spaz who randomly starts clapping to release some of that energy.
Or you know, probably I won’t ever do these things and they can be adorable quirks that people talk about fondly. Right? Like, “GotC always eat too much watermelon? Isn’t that precious?” or “You can always tell when GotC has had two cups of coffee because she just randomly starts clapping – it’s adorable!”
And those will be facts on my Wikipedia page that people who don’t know me read and are like “Wow! She’s just like me! I should buy her book!”
Also, someday I will write a book and have a Wikipedia page.
You might all remember my Great Chili Cheese Burrito quest and that I finally found a Taco Bell in Ft. Worth, TX that served them. Happy was the day that my quest ended in victory!
Well, thank my lucky stars that the victories didn’t end there. While in Ohio, Captain Thoughtful, his parents (Dr. Mom and Coach Dad), and I went to a Taco Bell. Full disclosure, I was there to try Lorena Garcia’s new quesadilla, but I didn’t get the fancy new quesadilla on the menu, no, I had a CHILI CHEESE BURRITO. Actually, I had 3. Because the Taco Bell in Ashland, Ohio serves them.
I was looking back through some of my old blog posts the other day, which I’ve never done before, and I found a post I wrote in January of 2011 about how I was giving myself a deadline to be dating someone by October of 2011.
AND THEN IT HAPPENED AND I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE I HAD PREDICTED THE FUTURE.
I met Captain Thoughtful in September and we started dating in October. For real. And because I had completely forgotten about that post, I also completely forgot to gloat about it. Consider this my gloat. An astonished gloat, but a gloat nonetheless.
Believe it or not, I actually do put some effort into looking my best. Sure, it might not be as much effort as I put into avoiding aliens, preparing for the apocalypse, or taking advantage of jazz hand opportunities, but there is definitely a non-zero effort put into looking good.
Of course, as befits an odd girl such as myself, my beauty tips might be a bit on the odd side. But they work. I think. It could be one of those things where you convince yourself something works because you were already inclined to believe it would work but it doesn’t work in reality, but it kind of does because you believe it. I think that’s called matrixing.
1. Wash your face with honey. I literally slather honey on my face every morning and every night. And then I just let it sit there, and maybe sometimes some of it slides into my mouth and it tastes good but that is totally not why I’m putting it on my face. But it is delicious. Also, you have to use Manuka honey from New Zealand. Because it’s very special. And delicious. And my skin is really clear and nice now. And my tea is never honey-less so WIN-WIN.
2. Put coconut oil in your tea. And your bath. And on your skin after your bath. It’s good for you inside and out! And your skin will never be softer and you will never smell more tropically. And also there are health benefits. Google it.
Ok. So, I have two tips. Which, isn’t like, many. But it’s more than none. Also, I’m realizing now that my tips are all food related. That seems about right.
There are a lot of new things going on in my life and it can be a bit overwhelming, so my new motto is “What would Liz Lemon do?”
For example, would Liz Lemon wear a blazer? Yes, yes she would. So, I bought two new blazers.
Would Liz Lemon make an awkward joke in order to break an even more awkward silence? Of course. And so will I.
Would Liz Lemon shout wildly at the driver in the car behind her because she felt like he was judging her for throwing an apple core out the window? I happen to think she would. And I already have.
Would Liz Lemon fully immerse herself in the drama of the olympics and not miss an event and eat box after box of cheez-its while she watched? Duh. And I think it’s clear that’s the right thing to do.
Would Liz Lemon stay up late to watch a terrible yet somehow amazing reality show? Yes. And it’s totally worth it.
After, I wrote this post, I googled “What would Liz Lemon do?” and there is like an entire community of people asking themselves that very same question and writing about it. And you know something, that brings me a lot of comfort.
My quest has officially begun. No Taco Bell will go….unturned?….uncovered?…..un….I’m not really sure what word applies here, but suffice it to say I’ll be visting a lot of Taco Bells in the next year, and so will Captain Thoughtful because he is very supportive of this quest and also has a giant appetite.
Last weekend I visited the Taco Bell in the Dallas-Ft. Worth Airport. No luck. They didn’t even have the full menu, much less the fabled and elusive Chili Cheese Burrito (or CCB as I will call if from now on due to my typing laziness.) So, that was disappointing. However, quests aren’t mean to be easy so I continued on with high hopes and a growling tummy.
My next stop in the quest was Nebraska. Specifically, Lincoln. There was a Taco Bell less than a mile from our hotel and I immediately had a very good feeling about it. We stopped by after a late night and pulled up to the drive-thru, my heart was pounding as I perused the burrito menu….and……nothing. I mean, they had burritos, but they didn’t have THE burrito, the one burrito to rule them all. You let me down Lincoln, Nebraska Taco Bell.
Later, upon further introspection I realized the “good feeling” I had about the Lincoln Taco Bell could probably have been better classified as “hunger”. I’m going to have to watch out for that in the future.
The quest continues.
Also, it has been suggested that I could just find the recipe and make the CCB for myself but that is obviously the cowards way out of a quest and I’m no coward. Stop making logical suggestions like this to me immediately. They offend my sensibility.
Since I officially ended my Year In Books because, you know, the New Year started, and it was a roaring success of a resolution, I decided I needed some new New Year’s resolutions, because I’m resolved like that. So, without further ado and comma splicing, I give you my 2012 New Year’s resolutions. (Please try and contain your jubilation and please don’t set off any more fireworks)
1. Learn to play the ukulele. A few (too many) Christmasses ago, my wonderful parents (who, you know, created me) gave me a ukulele. I had been basically begging for one for months and they gave in and got me one because I have very persuasive eyes and an annoying penchant for repeating my Christmas list out loud every day starting 3 months before Christmas. Long story short, I still haven’t learned how to really play it. So, this year, in order to make my parents proud and consistently annoy them with ukulele renditions of Johnny Cash songs, I’m learning to play my ukulele. Come hell, high water, or finger blisters.
2. Finish my book. Y’all, I’ve been working on this thing for what feels like 100 years. I keep changing it, going back and forth on what I want the over theme to be, and have changed the title about a gajillion times. What I have failed to do is actually finish it. So, I’ve set myself a writing schedule and plan on getting my hilarious onto paper. Or, you know, pulling out all my hair and procrastinating like a champ. I’ll keep you updated.
I limited myself to two resolutions because I’m only human (although I think I’ve made a pretty good case for superhuman adjacent) and really want to accomplish these goals before the apocalypse. Did you, most beloved of readers, make any resolutions? Please do tell. Happy 2012 my darlings!!!