I Could Be A Mall Cop


Yall, it turns out I have a knack for riding segways. Sure, I was kind of scared to get on it. Sure, I am the only one who fell off, but I think that is because the Segway was trying to challenge me once it realized I was such an accomplished rider. What I’m trying to say is that I think I would be a great mall cop. Outside of the fact that I am now an excellent Segway rider, I have a dislike of hooligans and shoplifters and have always felt I had an untested talent for disrupting and thwarting plots against malls.

In case you can’t tell, I am the one doing Segway jazz hands in the picture. You know how I do.

23 thoughts on “I Could Be A Mall Cop

  1. didn’t know mall cops used segways. you live in the states, right? i haven’t lived there for a while. see that, learn sump tin’ ever day! sweet post.

  2. I asked a mall cop if i could ride her segway and she told me no!…on my birthday! So im very jealous you got to ride one and i need to find one of these places asap!

  3. Is it bad that every time I see a Segway tour around Chicago I just want to tip one of them over and see what happens? I figure I have a better option knocking over a tourist than a mall cop. But I would totally help them up and apologize. Promise.

  4. After reading this I decided to look up what some of the requirements for getting a job in “mall security” actually are. Did you know that you have to be able to communicate in both stressful AND non-stressful situations?

    If you actually manage to get the job, though, you get to learn something called “Verbal Judo” which sounds both non-tacky *and* effective.

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