Things I’m *Supposed* To Worry About. Spoiler- I Don’t.

If you’re a gal in her late twenties (as I am) then you have a pretty heavy list of thing you’re supposed to worry about.

1. Your fertility is going-going-almost gone! Make the babies! Make the babies!

2. Wrinkles! You’ll be an old hag by the end of the year! Creams! Serums! Masks! Facials! PANIC.

3. Money money money money monnnneeeeee… you don’t have enough. Work more. Get a better job. Make the moola. But, don’t work so hard that you don’t have the time and energy for a baby, because as I mentioned earlier, you have to make one of those like yesterday.

4. Pilates! Kardashians! Fashion! Juice cleanses! Organic food! Anti-oxidants! Miley Cyrus’s hair! You need to know about all these things at all times.

5. Did you know women start menopause as early as 35? BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE.


You could worry about the things I actually worry about.

1. There are people literally trying to Jurassic Park dinosaur DNA. As in, bring dinosaurs back to life.

2. Rogue cows. There was a cow in our backyard last Saturday, a cow that was not behind a fence. How did you get out cow? Can you apparate? Can you? Cows can apparate y’all. You’ve been warned.

3. I saw a girl wearing leather shorts the other day, and apparently it’s the fashion thing to do, but y’all, this is Texas. Hot hot Texas, and if girls start wearing leather shorts all the time, I’m worried we’ll have an epidemic of vagina suffocation on our hands.

4. Read this. Brain juice was leaking out of his nose. Think about that next time you get the sniffles.

5. Being served any kind of BBQ other than Texas BBQ.

Seriously, who has time to worry about money and babies when there are cows apparating? Priorities.

58 thoughts on “Things I’m *Supposed* To Worry About. Spoiler- I Don’t.

  1. My nose is slightly allergy-afflicted right now, so I am kind of freaking out!
    My braaaaaaiiiins!
    I actually took a moment to worry about the chicken epidemic the other day, while waiting for my order of spicy wings. Ever person around me had ordered the wings, which I then calculated to about 20 chickens, at one table, at one sitting! That’s terrible! How are the chickens keeping up with our demand? I also had a boiled egg for breakfast that day! How was that helping?! My breakfast could have been a whole two more wings!
    Sigh. These are the things that plague me.

  2. I live in Cali and I see those damn shorts all the time. It burns my eyes. 😦 Epic fail.

    Oh and the cows. That’s real talk. 🙂 Love your blog

  3. 1 and 2 on your first list should NOT be a concern for anyone in their twenties, stop it if you are worrying about these things! I am 40 and still not worried about either of those. =P

  4. I always imagined the apocalypse to occur in a dramatic barrage of volcanoes erupting water and clouds raining fire storms. As if mother Nature spiraled into a dyslexic fit or something.

    Nope, it’s going to be the dinosaurs.
    And guess who they’re going to join forces with? The apparating cows!
    Do visit sometime 🙂

  5. At nearly 31 I ave the odd lack of babies/lack of career/lack of boyfriend freak-out. But when all is said and done, at least my brain is not leaking out of my nose.

  6. This was fantastic! I feel like I want to write the male in his late twenties version of this. My actually worry list would involve walking through spider webs in the dark! *chills

  7. “I lied. I said it’s easy,
    I’ve tried. But there’s these fears I can’t quell

    Is she looking for a pot of gold?

    Will I look good when I’ve gotten old?

    Will our lives become too stressful
    If I’m never that successful?

    When I get so worn and wrinkly
    That I look like David Brinkley,

    Am I crazy? Am I dreamin’?
    Am I marrying a demon?
    We could really raise the beam
    In makin’ marriage a hell
    So, thank god, I’ll never tell.”
    -Xander and Anya, “Once More, With Feeling”.

  8. Spastic Sausage says:

    Perhaps leather shorts induced vaginal suffocation is simply selective culling implemented through the fashion industry! I’m pretty sure the 80’s was an entire decade of proof that leather really doesn’t aesthetically belong anywhere below the waist…except, you know, for ‘special’ occasions that call for it. If that’s what blows your hair back. I’m sorry, it’s probably far to early in the day/week for me to be commenting. Disregard. I’ll try harder next time.

    PS. I’m not sure about apparating but I do happen to know that cows have mad contortionist ninja skills. Do no let their bulky sedate appearance fool you. Never turn your back on them.

  9. The Smile Scavenger says:

    Hahaha. Thank you for this. I tend to worry about money a good deal. None of those on the first list are worth it, though. Brain juice leaking is a worrisome topic, much like treeman. Can you imagine randomly turning into what looks like a tree!?

  10. “I’m worried we’ll have an epidemic of vagina suffocation on our hands.”
    I was already laughing but when I read this I lost it!

  11. LMAO. Your post had me giggling from start to finish. Glad you don’t worry about all the worrying things at your age. I’m nearly 21, and already my sister who’s 24 keeps going on about me about if I don’t make babies by my late twenties I’ll have less eggs. I keep telling her, I’m 21 and I don’t need to worry about that stuff yet.

    Have a good day and keep up the great posts 😉

  12. And once you have the babies you have to worry about whether you are giving them enough stimulation and using flash cards often enough to ensure they become really annoying and pretentious child geniuses. Or you can be like me and just be grateful that they are no longer picking their noses and eating it in public! Priorities.

  13. We don’t suffer from apparating cows. However, we do have a mysterious bunch of chickens led by a (possibly) rogue Bantam rooster. In an urban area. I keep waiting for the unmarked envelope filled with bird flu powder…

  14. You know I could never read #4. I’d probably never sleep ever again. Also, maybe we should start a crusade to stop the vagina suffocation?

    1. Yes, you should definitely not read the article. And yes again, we *should* start a crusade against vagina suffocation, maybe our slogan could be something like “Let the air get down there!” or something.

  15. I’m now in the *ahem* second part of my *ahem* thirties and completely ignored those worries then, and still do. Still without the moolahs, the babies, the creams, the fashions, and the meonpauses (I think). But shit yeah, dinosaurs! Apparating cows! And my personal pet concern, how can I sneak a pet miniature pig into my house without my husband noticing? And if he does notice will he say, “it’s the pig or me”? And will he get to take the iMac? Oh, and how come there’s so much yuck in my dishwasher filter that’s never on the dishes to start with? Is it like peas and corn in vomit- they always come out even though you didn’t put them in?

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