Conversations With My Husband

Sitting in traffic and getting passed by a slow moving train….

Me: Look! There’s a penis on that train!

Captain Thoughtful: Yes. Yes there is. 

Me: Look at that peeper! It’s huge!

Captain Thoughtful: It’s kind of cute how proud it looks. 

Me: Awww, now we’re passing it. 

Captain Thoughtful: Don’t worry sweetheart, I’m sure we’ll see another on down the line. 


At dinner…..

Me: My biological clock is going CRAZY!

Captain Thoughtful: Huh. 

Me: For real. It’s like screaming at me every day “HAVE A BABY YOU DUM-DUM!” “IT’S TIME TO HAVE A BABY!”

Captain Thoughtful: (conspicuous silence)

Me: (ignoring the silence) Well, anyway, there’s pretty much only one way I can think of to make it slow down. We should get a puppy. RIGHT. NOW.

Captain Thoughtful: A puppy is going to slow down your biological clock?

Me: Obviously. It’s science. 

Captain Thoughtful: Oh? 

Me: You just never learned about it in sex education, but I did. 

Captain Thoughtful: Uh…….

Me: It’s pretty complicated science. Just trust me that we need to get a puppy like yesterday. A PUPPY IS THE ONLY WAY TO SLOW MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK. It’s like a ticking time bomb right now, and if we don’t get a puppy and we don’t have a baby it will literally explode. Like a bomb. A uterus bomb. INSIDE ME. 

Captain Thoughtful: This omelet is delicious. 

Me: Good. I’m glad we’re in agreement about the puppy. 


36 thoughts on “Conversations With My Husband

  1. *falls out of her chair laughing* Yup, you got a keeper there. I don’t know how he managed to keep a straight face and not choke on his omelet. Puppies are great and wonderful practice for actually having the baby. You could use that as a further persuasive tactic.

  2. LOL. The puppy convo describes a good chunk of convos I have with the boyfriend. I agree, it’s just better to plow on ahead as if they agreed with you. Maybe, through Jedi Mindtricks and science, they will eventually agree with you. Maybe.

      1. I have a dog – trust me, he’s DEFINITELY a part of the family. He seriously thinks he’s a human. He comes up and sleeps on my bed – with his HEAD on the PILLOW! Dogs are just like real babies, definitely get one! (My Alfie is a border terrier – google it if ya want 😀 )

  3. Beware, this happened to me and the lady sold me two puppies (because they were twins). Hubby agreed (due to the baby dilema). They were a nightmare, but I loved them. So did the baby I had a few years later.

  4. “She snores,
    He wheezes,
    Say housework and he freezes,
    She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can’t describe.
    I talk, he breezes,
    She doesn’t know what please is,
    His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe!”
    -Xander and Anya, “Once More with Feeling”, BTVS.

  5. A man who can have the words “biological clock” flung at him and immediately not run outside for fresh air is most certainly a keeper. Also, omelet’s are delicious. 🙂

  6. Lol brilliant! We are also looking to get a dog when we settle in Japan. Just hope they don’t put us in a condo. This is to stave offthe clock in me as well 😉

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