A Contrarian’s Rules For Dating.

So, I’m getting married in like, 5 days. And by “like 5 days” I mean, exactly 5 days. And I thought to myself, “Hey self. You’re getting married to the love of your life. You must be SUPER AWESOME at dating because you totally won the dating game when he put a ring on it.” (Note: that’s the reason engaged women wear rings, because it’s like the trophy for winning at dating. Not because it makes you someone’s property.) Then I continued talking to myself, as I am want to do, “Self, it’s me again, yourself, and I was thinking that since we won the dating game, we should share our rules for dating with the world so everyone can be a winner because we are a really really good person that everyone should love and want to give presents to.” Β It’s really hard to argue with that logic so here are my rules for dating.

1. Never repeat name date. That means you never date more than one person with the same name. It’s bad luck.

2. Make sure the person you’re dating understands that you know how to Google Bomb them. Just in case things get ugly.

3. If some idiot breaks up with you. Don’t be friends with them after. At least for a little while. You need to grieve the relationship and eat icing straight from a can before you’re ready to be friends.

4. Assess your date very seriously by asking yourself “How would they fare in anΒ apocalyptic situation? Would they be of any use to me?”

5. If you make a Harry Potter reference and he/she doesn’t get it. Run like hell.

I’m just saying, it totally worked for me.

45 thoughts on “A Contrarian’s Rules For Dating.

  1. Number one is so true.

    I don’t know what number two is (he he he… I’m so mature).

    About number three… can I just have a bagel and some coffee?

    I feel like number four is my biggest drawback… but not because of what you think– it’s actually because I am much more useful in an apocalyptic situation than I am in a peaceful non-apocalyptic situation… sigh…

    Number five really can be telling… and it might be something else for someone else… and the person you spend your life with should probably have the same emotional bond to some work of fiction that you do… probably.

  2. I didn’t read all the other comments (which I usually do because I appreciate your readers) because of time constraints, but I did want to comment here.

    First, I can totally see why your dating rules are so effective. I am not at all surprised that you ended up with Captain Thoughtful and will become Mrs. Thoughtful in five days (yayyyyy!).

    Second, the thing that surprised the socks off me was Rule #4. That is the exact premise that I based my NaNoWriMo novel on (project to write a 50K novel in 30 days). The novel is terrific (well, at least in my opinion) and the premise is intensely provocative and revealing. The title of my novel is “The Rocky Road to the End of the World.” They say that great minds think alike. *high fives GotC.”

  3. CRGardenJoe says:

    As a husband closing in on 30 years of marriage, I say it seems like a good list. Except that point in number three. Every event in life, including the weekly arrival of Monday, can call for eating icing directly from a can. I may have done that at the infamous rehearsal dinner, where the ferocity of my appetite still didn’t scare off my bride-to-be. And, now, I’m getting really hungry ….

  4. Julianne Emory Holtzclaw says:

    Happy Wedding Week! So happy for you and Captain Thoughtful. May God bless you richly as you begin your new life together.

  5. Is your very-soon-to-be husband blessed with a very unusual name or is your experience limited to only so many men (I see how many could be an insult, but please go along with the point I’m trying to make, it’s merely argumental language). Otherwise you might have missed out on him if you dated Jean-Baptiste ‘Milwaukee’ Scottermackets before. Assuming that’s an unusual name to you too.

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