There is a sandwich place I love to eat at. They make really yummy fresh sandwiches and have not once forgotten my emphatic “no mayo” request. But I can’t ever, ever use the restroom there. Why? Because they have a full life size cut out of Legolas pointed right at the toilet. And in theory I think that’s very funny, but in reality I really really don’t want Legolas to see me pee. Sure, I know it’s a cut out and not actually Legolas but it’s very upsetting to drop your trousers in front of an elf and do your business, even if that elf is just cardboard. And he’s looking right at you the whole time with his ever watchful piercing eyes and those eyes are saying “That’s gross, you totally just farted.” and I just can’t take that kind of judgement from Legolas y’all.
I mean, Legolas is totally used to women who are also elves and they are just so elegant and dreamy and I’m sure they never ever accidentally fart in front of him. And I can’t live up to that standard because I’m a woman who is not also an elf. I’m just a human woman who after a large iced tea has to pee really really badly. And I don’t understand why Legolas has to be so judgmental about that.