I Don’t Want Legolas To See Me Pee.

Legolas
This is the face Legolas makes when you accidentally fart in front of him. So judgmental.
There is a sandwich place I love to eat at. They make really yummy fresh sandwiches and have not once forgotten my emphatic “no mayo” request. But I can’t ever, ever use the restroom there. Why? Because they have a full life size cut out of Legolas pointed right at the toilet. And in theory I think that’s very funny, but in reality I really really don’t want Legolas to see me pee. Sure, I know it’s a cut out and not actually Legolas but it’s very upsetting to drop your trousers in front of an elf and do your business, even if that elf is just cardboard. And he’s looking right at you the whole time with his ever watchful piercing eyes and those eyes are saying “That’s gross, you totally just farted.” and I just can’t take that kind of judgement from Legolas y’all.
I mean, Legolas is totally used to women who are also elves and they are just so elegant and dreamy and I’m sure they never ever accidentally fart in front of him. And I can’t live up to that standard because I’m a woman who is not also an elf. I’m just a human woman who after a large iced tea has to pee really really badly. And I don’t understand why Legolas has to be so judgmental about that.

47 thoughts on “I Don’t Want Legolas To See Me Pee.

  1. Hmm, this made me laugh. And think of when I was little my very religious grandma had a very reprimanding statue of some saint on a shelf opposite of the toilet, impossible to pee, freaked me out. Completely understand you…

  2. D. Kohler says:

    This is amazing. I know that judgemental look you describe. At the place I used to work there was a picture of my boss in the bathroom, do not ask me why because I never found out, and it was really spooky. He used to have that look as well. Not peeing at all during an eight hour shift can be rather challenging!

    Thank you for making me laugh about it though 🙂

  3. I would probably find some way to drape an article of clothing over his eyes. If I didn’t have a sweater or outer jacket, I’d take my shirt off. Better to be shirtless for a minute or two than have Legolas see you pee!

  4. Lol, that would totally freak me out, too. Can you turn it around so he’s not glaring at you? Oh, I guess he could still hear you though and that would be just as uncomfortable. Yes, avoid that bathroom.

  5. crgardenjoe says:

    My daughter had a full-size cardboard figure of both Leoglas and Gimli, and when she was a student at Simpson College in Indianola, Iowa. She arranged the cutout with a mirror so that when people rounded the dead-end corner of the hallway where her dorm room was, and her door was open, they would be suddenly confronted with Judgement Elf. Startled quite a few, I’ve heard.

  6. My friends have two cardboard cutouts, one of Zefron and one of Harry Potter. They stand in the doorway and scare the crap out of people who think that there are men in there. It is not pleasant either.

      1. You girls went and made me Google this, although I was more than happy to do so, because I love this band and actually, um, well, truth be told, really like this song, although it is most definitely not my fav. Long story story short (sorry ’bout that!) Perhaps the restaurant owners with the mirrors in the bathroom stalls are incredible fans of The English Beat, a band from the 80’s that you lovely ladies may not be as familiar with, given your youth! The song: “Mirror in the Bathroom”! (obvious, right?!)

  7. Spoiler alert: I’m going to totally nerd out on you here. 😉

    They say that elves are elegant and beautiful and everything – and that’s true. However; they are also creatures of nature and could happily talk to you for hours about the simple beauty of any given aspect of the earth. Sure, for reasons of politeness they generally keep the conversation within the bounds of things like “Ah, how the gentle song of a running river sings to our hearts and the glistening of the sunshine atop the water plays a dance of magnificence to our eyes” and such but do you know WHY this is? It’s because we as humans get all self-conscious about bodily functions and being natural in the presence of beauty.

    Here’s the catch though – because they are beautiful and understand the nature of beauty, elves are more than accepting of people needing to pee (particularly after a refreshing iced tea). Because any elf will tell you that we are beings of nature and we must embrace our connection to the earth so that we can see – and be seen as; the true essence of all that is beautiful in the world.

    So what you see as Legolas being Judgy McJudgerson is, in actuality, his concern for your wellbeing as a beautiful creature.

    PS – I’m fairly certain that Aragorn has looked the other way for Arwen on an occasion or two. 😉

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