And Then A Pigeon Flew RIGHT IN MY FACE.

You might have thought my week couldn’t get any worse after I ran out of toilet paper. I certainly thought that would be the case. Spoiler alert: WE WERE ALL SO VERY VERY WRONG.


Not only am I still sick but when I was walking to work yesterday, a pigeon flew right in my face. Right. In. My. FACE. It was like the pigeon was saying to me “Hey. You think you’re going to have a good day today? Nope, that’s not going to happen. IN YOUR FACE.”

I mean, obviously that pigeon was a bastard, but also it was full of diseases. I know because I googled it. Here are some of the diseases that the bastard pigeon probably infected me with.


Histoplasmosis- Symptoms include fever and chest pains. Which means, when I think I’m having a heart attack next week, it’s not really a heart attack, it’s a histoplasmosis attack.


Psittacosis- Symptoms include fever, rash, headache, chills, and sometimes pneumonia. So, that’s sufficiently awful and I’m probably going to die.


Luckily, these diseases only occur in people who have compromised immune systems, except, wait, *my* immune system *is* compromised because I’m already sick.


Seriously though, the apocalypse is probably happening this year, amiright? I mean, if pigeons are just flying in people’s faces all willy-nilly it seems to me that’s a pretty clear sign that the apocalypse is nigh.

48 thoughts on “And Then A Pigeon Flew RIGHT IN MY FACE.

  1. Carolyn says:

    I once had a spider on the end of a thread of web swing down in front of my face and chill there for a while. I would say that’s worse, but pigeon trumps spider, due to above listed diseases. Plus I smashed him by clapping my hands. It was gross. You can’t clap a pigeon away though. In conclusion, you win.

  2. You said that you were sick. The pigeon was telling you to go home and take care of yourself. You didn’t want the pigeon to give you disease, and yet, you were walking to work to give others what you had. This is the Obvious answer of the story the pigeon was trying to tell you.

      1. I was just grabbing things off the top of my head, but a flock of seagulls (not the band) announced the passing of one of my wife’s uncles in two different locations, and a flock was over his funeral also. You can never tell what the message is, so think the best and you will feel better. (P.S., I’ve never been optimistic so you should feel privileged).

  3. Kara d. says:

    When I lived in Turkey I watched a pigeon fly into my friends chest. Left a nice size bruise, but better than her face! Ever since I have been wary of the flocks that seem to just hang out on the sidewalks, it is like they are just daring each other “hey, watch how close I can get, bet you can’t get three feathers in her mouth!”

  4. Those pigeons are gettin’ ballsy. You’re lucky it didn’t scratch an eye out or peck a(nother) hole in your head. Perhaps you’re on to something with this apocalypse thing…

  5. Pigeons are a-holes. Sure they give off the impression of being docile and sort of harmlessly dumb, but I’m not buying it.

    You can add avian mites to your list of pigeon contact concerns. Nasty little buggers in several varieties that live by feeding on skin tissue and sucking blood of their victims like tiny ticks. They tend to prefer feeding on birds (hence the “avian”), but are known to pester people who have contact with the hosts they infest.

    I’ve heard that the most effective treatment for mites involves regular consumption of chili cheese burritos, so get on that. Stat.

  6. Oh, I’m sorry that happened to you, but it reminded me of one of the best moments of my life… I was visiting Philadelphia for the first time and was marveling at all the pigeons flying around all the pedestrians so deftly. I said, “I wonder how often a pigeon flies into someone?” and JUST as I finished speaking, a pigeon flew smack into a woman. It was so wonderful to behold!

    …but again, I am so terribly sorry that happened to you.

  7. As the old saying goes “may the bluebird of happiness s!$t all over you”. In my case it was a flock of geese on my brand new baby stroller and brand new spring coat. Still here after 23 years. The stroller and coat are history.

  8. Steven S. Walsky says:

    Pigeons are โ€˜flying rats.โ€™ However on the bright side, you probably saved the flying ratโ€™s life, for he was no doubt lost in love and had no idea where he was flying, thus he missed the truck that would have rendered his love live null and void. So blame that girl pigeon that was laughing at him.

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