You might have thought my week couldn’t get any worse after I ran out of toilet paper. I certainly thought that would be the case. Spoiler alert: WE WERE ALL SO VERY VERY WRONG.
Not only am I still sick but when I was walking to work yesterday, a pigeon flew right in my face. Right. In. My. FACE. It was like the pigeon was saying to me “Hey. You think you’re going to have a good day today? Nope, that’s not going to happen. IN YOUR FACE.”
I mean, obviously that pigeon was a bastard, but also it was full of diseases. I know because I googled it. Here are some of the diseases that the bastard pigeon probably infected me with.
Histoplasmosis- Symptoms include fever and chest pains. Which means, when I think I’m having a heart attack next week, it’s not really a heart attack, it’s a histoplasmosis attack.
Psittacosis- Symptoms include fever, rash, headache, chills, and sometimes pneumonia. So, that’s sufficiently awful and I’m probably going to die.
Luckily, these diseases only occur in people who have compromised immune systems, except, wait, *my* immune system *is* compromised because I’m already sick.
Seriously though, the apocalypse is probably happening this year, amiright? I mean, if pigeons are just flying in people’s faces all willy-nilly it seems to me that’s a pretty clear sign that the apocalypse is nigh.