Weddings Are Hilarious

Did you know you need a signature drink at your wedding? Also, you need a signature theme. And a signature look. And a signature monogram (which is kind of like a signature signature and that’s how wormholes are made). And a signature dance. And a signature song. And a signature speech. And a signature exit. And, oh yeah, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

Why? Why do I need so many “signatures” for my wedding. I mean, isn’t choosing things that Captain Thoughtful and I both like, kind of, you know, our signature? Why does something have to be so uniquely us that no one else has ever seen it, eaten it, drank it, danced like it, or looked like it. I mean, isn’t the fact that I like classic looks and colors kind of a signature? Why the hell do I need to create a color that is unique to me? I like the colors I already have to choose from. Why is that wrong???

Take this conversation I recently had:

Susie Q: So, what’s your wedding theme?
Me: Uh….we don’t really have a “theme”. I guess it will look a bit Mad Men-esque. Very retro-inspired.
Susie Q: Oh! How chic! I love it! So, it’s a 60’s theme.
Me: Uh….kind of?? Really, there isn’t a theme, it’s just black and white and classic, but semi-casual because we want everyone to have a blast and not be too worried about fanciness. (Why do I need so many words to describe my wedding??)
Susie Q: Neat. But, you’re adding your own twist right?

Me: Like?

Susie Q: You know, something no one has ever seen at another wedding ever. Like a drink, or food, or the look of the wedding.

Me: That sounds complicated.

Susie Q: But you *have* to have something signature.Β 

Me: Yeah. I think we’re good.Β 

Can someone explain this to me? Because Susie Q was one of many who have asked about the “signature” aspects of my wedding. Is this one of those Hallmark conspiracies like Grandparent’s Day (which, for the record, I always send a card for) that are created just so people will spend more money? Is this like that? Because, I already feel like when you say “wedding” people add about $2,000 to their price so I can only imagine what “signature wedding” items would cost. Yeah, this is totally one of those things and I am not falling for it. But mostly because it sounds like a lot of work.

71 thoughts on “Weddings Are Hilarious

  1. Do what I’m going to do. Get married in your garage and call 2 people who matter(both your friends of course, none of his!) Spend all the money you save on a 365 day holiday to a place you can barely pronounce!

  2. Everyone has to be special these days…unique….alone in the World. It’s not as if they are worried that guests will forget the ceremony becasue of some unknown reason. It’s almost a cry for help!!

  3. I think if I had a wedding theme is was probably “cheap”. Everyone was so impressed and said how “family-oriented” and “refreshingly simple” it was. Maybe I should go into business as the “Simply Signature” wedding planner. I could make a killing!

  4. I think it started out as a way to help those brides who had no idea what they were doing and it expanded into a ridiculous money pit for the vendors and wedding coordinators to bleed as much as they could from the wallet of the one paying for what ends up being nothing about what the couple wanted in the first place. Good for you for sticking to your wants and not falling into the pit of wedding hell.

  5. Seeing as the date you picked is somewhat unique, capitalize on that and start telling people your theme is the end of the world. I think you could really have a lot of fun with that. You could set up a counter on your blog, Countdown to the Marriage that Ends the World. And, while you’re at it, make up something so wild and bizarre that your actual wedding will come off as a complete surprise. Like your signature drink will be Jonestown Koolaid, and your reception hall could be Hell’s Kitchen season 11 -or are they on 12? Your theme song could be “Sympathy for the Devil.” Heck if you’re going to tell tall tales, make ’em tall, you’re girl on the contrary after all and not about to be boxed in by signature conventions.

    *Stops, thinks and reconsiders*

    Hmn. Okay, maybe not so much.

  6. You’re doing Mad-Men “theme”?? oh man I’m so disappointed zombie theme didn’t sick 😦

    I’m totally messin’ with you! Anyhow I bet you will look awesome in a Mad-Men wedding dress.


  7. Gilraen says:

    I have never understood the preoccupation with a theme for a wedding. I always thought that the bride, groom and wedding were a theme in itself. No need to add anything artificial over that. So I did not have a theme, we just did what had meaning and felt comfortable to us.

    Good on you to follow your own instincts on what is right for you and yours instead of following a list of “must do” things that others have invented

  8. Kara d. says:

    Come up with some wacky theme like “taming the wilderness together” and tell them that your dress will be made totally out of leaves and bark, you will be releasing hundreds of frogs instead of butterflies/bubbles and the only drinks you are serving are ones with the word green in it…they probably won’t ask any more “signature” questions πŸ™‚

  9. I couldn’t agree more. I’ll bet if you never said the word “wedding” every single vendor would charge slightly less. And people want you to have a signature because we live in the land of Starbucks, and everybody is a snowflake. And each snowflake wedding must be different and unique… except it also must be on trend, while still being totally you. (That would explain why I’ve been to ten different weddings where each bride wore a slightly different version of the exact same dress.)

    At 23, I had the patience for it. If I had waited until my thirties to get married, I’m sure I would have eloped. And I would have spent the evening of my wedding drinking and gambling. Romantic, I know.

  10. Wow! This ‘signature’ business must be relatively (read, “in the last decade”) new. Scott and I thought that we were really bucking tradition by determining all of the tracks we wanted played at the wedding and providing the CD’s. *gasp* Yes, we used CD’s back then. I will anxiously await the announcement of your “signature” theme — hee hee.

      1. The song Scott and I danced our first dance to…very retro…Bobby Darin’s “More” :We were married in 1998, and Pottery Barn had just made swing/big band and Rat Pack-type stuff popular again. Here’s a YouTube link to the song (not us dancing -ha ha)

  11. It’s your wedding- you do what you like. Everyone will be on your side. If you are having a reception with lots of people who won’t all know each other, the key to a good vibe is alcohol! (For those who want it of course). Everyone relaxes and joins in. This is a British perspective so I apologise if things are viewed differently in the US.

  12. michelleatplay says:

    I have been married for almost a million years. My wedding day sucked. I have the happiest marriage ever. Isn’t that the point of the wedding?

  13. troubledfred says:

    I currently just got engaged and am now pestered with questions just like these. I felt as if there was some hidden wedding manual that gets given to you once you get engaged and mine got lost in the mail. At least now I know that im not the only one who thinks all of this wedding hoopla is ridiculous.

  14. I have a great idea for a signature… and you could totally start a trend. Buy a taser. Anyone who insists you have to have a signature something gets tased. Boom. I think I just saved your wedding… although the guest list might shrink a little.

  15. Ahahahahha. SO with you on this.
    I refuse to answer a lot of questions about our wedding. Whatever I don’t want to answer, I just say, “Classified.” Lol. That way, people draw their own conclusions. Usually, they think the answer is something really awesome and huge, and I don’t wanna give it away. Which is fine by me. Hahaha.
    Babe is pretty casual about the whole wedding thing. I’m a bit more into it. I just want it to be “very us” like everyone else. There are some things we’re putting our own twist on, but it’s not an intentional OMG-our-wedding-has-to-be-the-only-or-at-least-the-first-of-its-frickin-kind sort of thing. It helps that we’re not traditional AT ALL, and we’re not getting anyone involved in our planning.
    Anyone who tries to tell you what to do with your wedding can screw right off, and you should tell them so. Or politely say, “Thanks for your input.” Feel free to add, “But it’s our wedding, so I’m pretty sure we know what we want.” And maybe toss in another “Thanks.” And then top it off with a Stepford wife smile. πŸ˜€

    1. Awesome! I bet people think you’re going to have pyrotechnics and live animals and all kinds of shenanigans at your wedding! I am so using “classified” as my answer to all wedding questions from now on. πŸ™‚

  16. I can’t stand the idea of a “theme” wedding. Shouldn’t the theme be marriage? It’s not a $40K party for shits and giggles. It’s a celebration of once-in-a-lifetime love that should last long after the SIX HOURS you celebrate after months of planning.

    And I’m not even a romantic! Hmmph.

  17. You do need a signature–two, actually. And the go on the marriage license. Well, five, counting your witnesses and the officiant. But beyond that, the rest of the signatures are water-cooler talking points. And since you’ve already got a blog for that…..

  18. Having your Signature be that everything in the wedding will be something /you both specifically reviewed and liked and wanted to be part of Your Special Day/ is perfectly valid.

    This is all one part scam, and one part brainwashing brought about by all the bridal-based “reality” TV shows. I think you should formally announce that your “signature” is not caving to “the myth of the Signature.”

    Or respond with something innocently snarky, like, “Omigosh, that is too cute, and so retro. The idea of having /a theme/ or everything in your wedding be quote-unquote /Signature/ is so /last month/.” Then tell them how it’s all about an ecclectic, personalized style now, and how they really should be watching or reading /name-of-some-bridal-themed-style-show-or-magazine-thats-so-cutting-edge-they’ve-never-heard-of-it-mostly-because-you-just-made-it-up./

  19. These people, worried about “signature”, are also the people that file for divorce after 72 days chica. So please, just relish in the fact that you found the love of your life and tell these people that are SO worried about individualizing your wedding that the “signature” part of YOUR wedding is that the marriage will actually withstand the test of time. πŸ™‚ That will shut them up! If it doesn’t, toss a “signature” right hook in their face and leave them with a “signature” black eye. Just my advice. Take it for what it’s worth.

  20. Maybe your signature thing is … not having a signature thing. If anyone can work that I think you can!

    (I wonder how many comment’s you’re going to get that say exactly this. [Enters stream of consciousness] I wish I was more original. But maybe I am original, because I had the idea that at my wedding apart from the Groom no one was allowed to make a speech, but parents, best man etc submitted a piece of speech-writing and we printed it all into booklets with pictures of us and left them on the tables for people to read at their leisure. I think it worked. I suppose that was our signature speech – not really having speeches. We should have signed the booklets – that really would have been “signature”.)

  21. I don’t understand the need for such extravagance at weddings. Why pay a truckload of money and spend the next few years trying to pay it back? As you said, weddings should be about having a blast! No wonder there are so many bridezillas with all these requirements around…

  22. Steven S. Walsky says:

    Why not have a β€˜signature on the blank check’ wedding theme, where all the guests dress and act like either a banker or billionaire, and at their table each guest will sign a real check for you in amounts of at least $5,000; of course, competition amongst the guests will drive the amounts higher. Yes, the normal wedding gifts are still required.

  23. “Apparently the only signature he needed was my fist. But with a pen in it, that I was signing with.” -Captain Hammer, “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”.

  24. I blame all those wedding shows on TLC – which, of course, I love to watch. But some of the stuff they come up with is so over the top. And now it’s trickling down into our everyday vocabulary. Some of the best weddings I’ve been to were held in the back yard, followed by a buffet catered by the mother of the bride.

    Bottom line – as I’ve bottom lined so many times before – is people are crazy.

  25. Avasway says:

    I do not envy you! All this puts me off weddings full stop! You’re a stronger woman than I am, your day, your ideas, your rules! Don’t do anything you don’t want to do! I’m sure you won’t ;0). Great blog x

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