So, this is a thing where I watch a movie and then record everything I say/do during the movie. Also, you should know I’m watching these movies from the comfort of my own couch where I can yell out and blog about what I’m watching as much as I like. Because I’ve found people don’t like it much when I do that in a movie theater. I mean, I could be wrong, but they kind of seem to hate it.
This is me watching The Grey with Liam Neeson. Please note, there are spoilers.
It’s Aslan’s voice! Hmmm, I sense a tragedy in this man’s past. Yep. He just said it. Nailed it. WHAT?! Homie just shot a wolf. A WOLF. I like it better when people just dance with them like that nice Kevin Costner. No! Don’t kill yourself Liam! Whew- he didn’t do it. No no no! Do NOT get on an airplane covered in ice. I feel like this is common sense. Why are people getting on that plane? Dermot Mulroney?! Yay! Oh no! I KNEW you shouldn’t get on an airplane covered in ice. I just knew it! Also, I feel like maybe I’ll never get on any airplane anywhere ever again. Ick. A wolf is eating that lady….AAAGGGGHHH Liam Neeson is fighting a wolf with his bare hands!! Dude, I bet that the brother wolf to the one he killed earlier. At the very least it’s probably a second cousin seeking vengeance. What does that guy mean “How does he know about wolves?”? Didn’t he see Taken? I feel like Liam was pretty clear about having “A particular set of skills.”
(And then I hid my head under a blanket for like 45 minutes because WOLVES WERE EATING PEOPLE. Or, more specifically and way more horrifyingly, THEY WERE MURDERING PEOPLE WITH THEIR TEETH. So, yeah, head under blanket.)
Umm, I’m sorry, you can NOT jump off a cliff and into trees and not get hurt. That’s just not a thing that happens. No! Dermot Mulroney! Noooooooooooo!!!! This is the most depressing and hopeless movie ever. All is lost! All is lost! There is no hope or happiness! Wait. Are you kidding me? *That* is how this ends? No. Unacceptable. You do not get to make a movie that has me hiding under blankets, sobbing, and forsaking all hope, and then not give me a definite conclusion. You owe me an ice cream Liam, I’m holding you responsible for this.
That movie wasn’t grey like a rainy day, it was black like the part of the night when WOLVES COME OUT OF NOWHERE AND MURDER YOU. That’s real talk y’all. I found this movie upsetting. And poor Captain Thoughtful had to sit through it with me, bless his heart.