No Really, You Have The Wrong Number.

I’ve recently gotten a new phone for work and have been inundated with calls for the former owner of the number, which is annoying, but not nearly as annoying as the people calling who refuse to believe they have the wrong number. This is the transcript of one such call. (I’m transcribing this as I’m on the call because I almost can’t believe I’m having this conversation)

Caller: Yes, hello. I’m calling for Tom. 

Me: I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. 

Caller: No, I don’t believe I do. This is the number of Tom. 

Me: No, it’s not. You have the wrong number. 

Caller: You are on medication are you not?

Me: No. I’m not. You have the wrong number. 

Caller: You don’t have to be ashamed for being on Viagra pills. Millions of men are on Viagra pills.

Me: I’m sure they are, but I’m not a man. I’m a woman. And I’m not on Viagra pills and my name isn’t Tom. You have the wrong number. 

Caller: Tom, this is an important notice about your Viagra pills. 

Me: Again, I’m not Tom and I’m not on Viagra pills. You. Have. The. Wrong. Number. 

Caller: I may have the wrong information. 

Me: You do. You do have the wrong information. 

Caller: What is your name? Are you on medication? 

Me: Yeah… I’m sorry you have the wrong number. 

Caller: And you’re sure? 

Me: Yes. I am sure. Have a good day. Buhbye.

I can’t decide whether to be offended that the caller wouldn’t believe I (a female) wasn’t Tom (a male), or to be flattered that he would think I would be so gifted at the art of deception. Yeah, I’m going to go with offended, but mostly because if I were a guy, I would not appreciate the insinuation that I needed Viagra. That shiz is not cool, amiright guys? High five? Fist bump? Farting contest? (I have no idea what any of this means…..)

37 thoughts on “No Really, You Have The Wrong Number.

  1. GOTC “Yes I’m Tom, can you hear what your pills have done to my voice?”

    Caller: Yes… it’s kind of high.

    GOTC: Feminine I’d call it.

    Caller: Yes it’s almost like I’m…

    GOTC: Go on say it.

    Caller: No I can’t.

    GOTC: Talking to a woman that’s what you were going to say isn’t it?

    Caller: Well yeah.

    GOTC: Your Viagra has changed me into a woman!

    Caller: Are you sure? Do you have a sudden interest in shoes?

    GOTC: Oh yes
    Caller: Do you feel tingly when near cream cakes?

    GOTC: God yes.

    Caller: Here’s the acid test. Do you feel an overwhelming urge to put the toilet seat down?

    GOTC: What? How did you know?

    Caller: Oh God it’s happened again! Sorry Tom, I’m afraid you are a woman. It’s a fairly rare side effect
    GOTC: How rare?

    Caller: Don’t worry we’ll send you several thousand magazine articles about why you should feel guilty about your weight and we do a great line diet pills and more pills to combat anorexia. You’ll have a great time…

  2. You should have complained. As in,

    GOTC “Yes i’m Tom, can you hear what your pills have done to my voice?”

    Caller: Yes it’s kind of high.

    GOTC: Feminine I’d call it.

    Caller: Yes it’s almost like I’m…


  3. How hilarious. I once had a wrong number call from a man to his “doctor” (me) about his arse operation or some such thing. I can’t remember the details because I was expending most of my energy making sure I didn’t laugh in the poor guy’s ear!

  4. GoTC – AKA – “Tom.” Maybe you should just tell people you ARE Tom so they’ll say “No…I’m sure this isn’t Tom. You don’t sound a thing like Tom.” Reverse phone-ology??

  5. The last time I had this happen to me I got a middle aged family guy who didn’t quite feel ready to give up his heavy drinking/partying days. We texted for days. It was kind of amazing/hilarious. I felt like I was making a new friend… one who refused to believe that I wasn’t his old friend… and one who wasn’t quite as interested in drinking till I needed an IV to recover the next morning.

    I don’t think the viagra thing would bother me. I mean if you can’t get it up… how is that supposed to make me feel bad? I can’t stop cancer or brain aneurisms with my mind. If I live long enough to have erectile dysfunction of some sort I think I might be kind of proud of having survived so long…

    You know what, though, cold-calls from people selling things piss me off though… so even though I might not have been offended if it were me… I still would be pissed. I imagine shouting and swearing and hanging up.

  6. Right on!!
    I would totally be offended if someone accused me of needing Viagra.
    What are they insinuating!?!
    That I need a bit of help?
    That my mojo is a little off??
    How dare they….
    and it makes no difference that I am a woman and never plan to be a man!
    How dare they!!!

  7. The exact same thing (well, minus the Viagra) used to happen to me all the time. People thought my office number was the number to call to make appointments for a dental school’s low-cost dental clinic. Many callers were so confident in their phone-dialing skills that they thought it was more likely that the dental school receptionist was lying in order to get out of having to schedule appointments for them than it was that they’d dialed the wrong number.

  8. I had a similar problem once, but nothing so ridiculous as to involve accusing me of being a guy AND on Viagra. I was just “Bob.”

    I actually ended up saving the number of the repeat-offending caller in my phone as “Guy Looking For Bob.” Then I’d just let him leave all the voice mail he wanted, and I’d laugh about them later with folks.
    Once he left me a movie review. That was pretty cool.

  9. I have never tried the little blue pill, maybe it’s fun. It might be a tad awkward during my run though. I say you play along with him next time…hehe. Tom is playing golf but wants to have lunch with you…hehe. then you can set up a date and time for Tom. Then he will call back. You say I told you I am not Tom.

  10. “”Er, hey, Marvin …” interrupted Zaphod, but it was too late. Sad little clunks and gurgles came up the line.
    “What’s he saying?” asked Trillian.
    “Nothing,” said Zaphod, “he just phoned to wash his head at us.” -The Restaurant at the End of the Universe, Douglas Adams.

  11. Roly says:

    Viagra is uncool if it is know about 🙂 Tom must have a high pitched voice and was hiding his viag facts 🙂

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