Do you know how bad you need a $50 cheese grater? Because, you guys, you need one like really really badly. Oh, and also you need Dolce and Gabbana bakeware because you wouldn’t want your quiche to come out all like off the rack, would you?? Get thee to a Williams Sonoma and buy yourself a mini pie maker because your pies are way too big and this season it’s all about tiny pies. Run run as fast as you can or you’ll never catch the gingerbread man and he’s like, totally the guy you want to talk to about all the stuff you don’t have that you need to be a married grown-up.
On the real, Captain Thoughtful and I registered last weekend (because if we’re paying for food, libations, and merriment for 200 people they sure as hell better be bringing gifts) and it was awesome. And also ridiculous. It was awesome because, hello, you get to pick out all the gifts you want people to shower you with because you decided to make your best friend your best friend forever for reals by marrying him. Ridiculous because oh my heavens some of the things the stores suggest you need to register for are absurd and hilarious to me. For instance, why oh why do you need individual butter dishes? Is it considered tacky to share a butter dish with the love of your life? And also, why does someone need to spend $50 on a cheese grater? Unless it’s a robot that grates your cheese and also does your laundry and pays your bills. Something like that would be worth $50 but just a simple cheese grater? Uh…no. I appreciate people wanting to buy us gifts to help us start our life together but there is no need to spend $50 on a cheese grater, unless you really really want to and think that that $50 cheese grater will change my life for the better in some way. At the moment though, I’m skeptical.
And oh my goodness the emails you receive after you register! Captain Thoughtful and I are being inundated with emails from the stores about all the things we didn’t register for that we totally should have. Like a second gravy boat. One gravy boat is not enough! In order to begin a successful marriage there must be two gravy boats present! If you find yourself at the beginning of your marriage with only one gravy boat, all is lost! Your marriage is doomed! Dooooooooommmmmmmmmeeeeeeedddddddd. Nice try Crate and Barrel, you gravy boat selling son of a gun, but I’m not fooled. Sure, I registered for a second gravy boat but that’s only because I really love gravy and not because you manipulated me into it with your hyperbolic emails. Gravy is delicious and deserves multiple boats to reside in before making it’s merry way into my belly with the biscuits. So there.