Help Me Girl On The Contrary, You’re My Only Hope.

Occasionally I will get emails asking for my help. I’m not always sure that real people are sending these. I have a strong suspicion that it’s aliens just trying to distract me from my constant alien invasion vigilance, and if that is the case then very well played aliens because I am totally distracted.

Last week, I got this email.

“Girl, should I unfollow my ex on Twitter?”

I’m not entirely sure that I’m qualified to answer this, or even why someone would turn to me for any advice that doesn’t involve alien invasion preparation or imaginary conversation starters, but I’m never short of opinions on anything so I’ll oblige this alien person with an answer. Because I’m nice like that. And helpful. And generous. And I have a sparkling personality.

Yes. Yes, you should unfollow your ex on Twitter. Always. If Katy Perry and Russell Brand can’t continue following each other on Twitter after their divorce, what hope do the rest of us have? Unfollow immediately.

You’re welcome probable alien, I just solved your problem in like 10 seconds. Now I can get back to preparing Earth’s defense in the case of alien invasion.

32 thoughts on “Help Me Girl On The Contrary, You’re My Only Hope.

  1. You know, I could actually see you doing some sort of advice column. I feel like you could help me with everything from stocking my post-apocolypse bomb shelter to picking just the right shade of lip gloss to make my ex jealous (after I unfollowed him, natch).

    1. If you haven’t tried the Buxom line of lip tarnish then you aren’t living sister. I am OBSESSED with them. Especially the color called “busted”. Get thee to a Sephora and let the jealousy ensue!

  2. Oh dear, I’m so old that my ex’s probably don’t have twitter or facebook either (well ex, I only have one, even sadder).

    Still, that saves me the bother of unfollowing him, which I would definitely do. He was boring in real life! I don’t think he would want me to follow him anyway, he was a bit upset when I dumped him.

  3. Steven S. Walsky says:

    Not to add to your alien defense concerns, but ‘Twitter’ is an alien acronym; it is composed of letters that stand for a significant phrase. In this case, twitter stands for a male alien obsession:
    T= To
    W= Watch
    I= In
    T= The
    T= Twilight
    (for)
    E= Earthling’s
    R= Rear
    They would ratherhave used the words ‘butt’ or ‘tush,’ but (pun intended) they did not fit the acronym.

    It should also be known that the word ‘twilight’ in a popular TV show was not haphazard, as male aliens started the vampire craze to cover their rudeness of biting the neck of unsuspecting women.

  4. Good advice. Unfollowing on Twitter is today’s equivalent of saying “I don’t need you now. Buhbye!” which automatically gets this response: “What? I can’t believe you UNFOLLOWED me!?! Well I’ll show you!” followed by lots of whining & then some crazy-eyed guy that you vaguely recognize showing up at your door brandishing a shotgun & threatening to kill you.

    Oh wait…that was facebook. You can breathe now – You’re safe.

  5. “She’s right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn’t put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?” -Andrew, BVTS.

  6. I love this photo and your right maybe its best we all stop following our x’s. Its the healthiest thing to do and to much of a trending world wide if you know what i mean. Do whats right people and get with the program – the out with the old and in with the new program that is 😀

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