If I Had Been Born Earlier, I Would Have Died Alone.

I saw these tips from a 1938 dating guide for women and it made it very very clear to me that had I been born earlier I most certainly would have died alone.

Women who enjoy conversation while dancing are careless? Ok. Fine. Consider me careless because I think it’s a little weird not to say something when you’re dancing. I mean, you’re just like swaying around and there are lots of other people sort of swaying around in your vicinity. A little talking, maybe a little hypocritical mocking of other people’s dance skills, really improves the moment if you ask me.

I can’t believe no one ever told me that everything I like and am interested in is boring and that the only things in life worth talking about are things that men want to talk about.  I guess public school really let me down on that one because I  think I’m interesting as hell.

Not so. I get super duper extra clever when I’ve had too much to drink. Like, the kind of clever people wish they were. I’m the cleverest drunk there ever was. Ever. And for the record, cleverness is just silliness with a tuxedo on.

How are men supposed to know you like them if you don’t tug on their ear?

Um, I’m not a robot ok? I’m a real human person who has feelings and maybe gets a little choked up when ordering lobster because lobsters mate for life and I am probably breaking up a very happy couple by eating one. Also, I just found out lobsters don’t actually mate for life and that makes me sad too.

Oh man. Look at that guy looking at that girl with floppy boobs. He is disgusted. Obviously, men hate boobies and want them locked up in a boob jail aka a bra at all times.

Conclusion: 1938 was not a great year for dating advice.

75 thoughts on “If I Had Been Born Earlier, I Would Have Died Alone.

  1. He is a paid model. He totally digs her floppy boobs. I know I dig all the boobs from bee-stings to huge tracks of land and everything in between and no amount of men’s health or emily post is going to change that. 1938 was most assuredly not as terrible as you might imagine. As an example they had boobs. So pretty much business as usual in the world.

  2. Now see I don’t know what the problem is with this advice. That’s EXACTLY how I landed my husband. TO THE TEE. Thank goodness I’m made of plastic and full of hot air, or I might have gotten it totally wrong!

      1. I could probably write a post about the many ridiculous things that have happened on first dates that I’ve been on. Interestingly enough, my husband was thrilled on our first date when I devoured a dozen steamed crabs was wearing guts and Old Bay up to my elbows – go figure 🙂

  3. GotC,

    This is an amazing piece of work and totally exposes what’s wrong with the world today; if women would remember these simple rules, we might all live in peace! And personally, if a woman talks to me while I’m dancing with her, it totally breaks my concentration and I end up tripping over my feet and falling on my face!

  4. beck16 says:

    This is great! I think they must be referring to just this one guy. Because every movie I’ve seen that took place in 1938 about love was pretty much the complete opposite.

  5. Adrienne says:

    This made my day. As a matter of fact, whenever I read your blog it makes my day. You are so funny.

  6. I agree it’s a little silly, but I do sometimes remind myself that my boyfriend does not care about how I was going to go with a red-orange nail polish, but then decided on a red-pink and then wasn’t so sure, but I just just decided to leave it and also he doesn’t care much about my dress shopping trip! I know he appreciates them, but when I find myself droning on about stuff like that, I realize it’s time for a girl’s happy hour! And also, tugging on clothes is unattractive on anyone! Some advice is classic 🙂 However, tears in public are a wonderful power play!

  7. I totally get why I’m single now … all the crying over couscous and talking about my interests put me in the Spinster Hall of Shame! Excellent find, and the perfect start to my Wednesday morning 🙂

  8. This is AMAZING. This needs to be Freshly Pressed so 8 billion people can read it. The pictures are almost as hilarious as the tips and your commentary. And I’m getting your line “cleverness is just silliness with a tuxedo on” tattooed on me. I just haven’t decided where yet. Maybe I should ask a man. But will he be interested?

    1. Thanks! We should go get it tattooed together! Except maybe that would seem really conceited of me to get something I said tattooed on myself. Quick, say something funny and I’ll get your saying tattooed on me!

  9. I like the sequencing of the pictures. It’s like any number of dates I’ve had. “Look at my sweater! OH MAN I NEED THIS DRINK. Ha, ha, you have the cutesht liddle earsh. *sniff* Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo!”

  10. You would have found the one guy who enjoys conversation while dancing, relished boobies, alcohol, and ear-lobe tugging. Don’t ask me how I know this, I just do…:-)

  11. This is Hilarious! Obviously that guy was gay. Even in 1938 in the privacy of his own home, that dude would have loved floppy boobs. I would have died alone too. Hahaha this was awesome! Where did you find this?

  12. I would have ended up like Mae West… the one the men enjoyed being with and hanging out in public with – but not marry – unless they thought they could reform me, in which case – they are in for one hell of a surprise.

  13. stevesw says:

    I guess all that ‘great’ advice went out the proverbial window when WWII ended and thus the baby boom years. P.S. a woman can tug my ear.

  14. Damn. And I thought having my boobs dangling loose around my ankles was a good look. I would have been an evil old spinster back then. Wait, I kind of am one now…..I may be in a replationship, but no ring is ever going on my finger!

  15. Reblogged this on Storm in a Teecup! and commented:
    This is hilarious!! And yes, if this was the norm today I would have joined a convent. Girl on the Contrary sums up dating advice from the 1938’s with a wonderful sense of humor. Go ahead, have laugh!

  16. heather liebler says:

    THanks so much for this! I actually was given a 50’s guide to be a good wife at a wedding shower thrown for me. Very sweet, except she was serious that this was how you should live your life as a married person. Not in my house! Love your blog

  17. Had I been a young lady in 1938, it would have been known as “The Year of The Skillet” because I would have kept one (of a very heavy, cast-iron variety) in my hands at all times for which to knock the living hell out of men with. Probably safe to say you & I both would have been alone. And I would probably have handcuffs dangling from my wrists as an accessory…only they would be in front of me rather than behind so I could have a clearer view of my naked ring finger. I’m sure being unmarried constituted as a punishment in those days.

    1. I’m pretty sure it did too. They wouldn’t have bothered much with jail when living alone and trying to make your own wage when woman had a hard time finding jobs would have been punishment enough.

  18. Oh my! That last one came out of no where! I had no idea people in the ’30s were even allowed to say brassiere. Oh well, I would’ve been alone too, I’m certain now.

  19. I think you’d do the suffragette movements proud though.

    I can’t believe he doesn’t like floppy boobs. All men love floppy boobs. He’s lying. I can tell by his nose.

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