You know how when you’re in a restroom with several stalls and someone in the stall next to you is obviously texting because you can hear the clicking on their phone? I find that oppressive.
It’s like, “Hey lady (you know, because I’m usually in the ladies room) stop texting! Do your business and be gone with you!” What is so important that it can’t wait 2-15 minutes (depending on what exactly your bathroom business is)? Nothing. Nothing is that important. It’s one thing if you want to text and poop at home, I’m not trying to make windows into your soul (shout out to my girl Elizabeth I), you’re more than welcome to do whatever you want in your own bathroom. But here, in this public or office restroom, it’s weird for you to have your phone with you.
Why? Well, for one thing, I get super pee shy and when I can hear you texting in the stall next to me it makes me even more shy because I assume that you’re texting about me and my bodily functions. Like “Hey. Some girl just went into the stall next to me. I bet she’s going to poop. Haha.” And for the record, I wasn’t going to poop because I only poop in the office restroom if no one else is in there. That’s just good manners. They taught me that in cotillion. Or maybe you’re texting something like “Whoa. This girl just went into the stall next to me and started peeing like a racehorse. Ick. Eat asparagus much? LOL.” And yeah, I do eat lots of asparagus because it’s super healthy and will probably prevent armpit cancer and maybe you shouldn’t be commenting on my pee at all you Nosey Noserson.
Logically, I realize people probably aren’t live tweeting about my pee. That’s just my pee shyness talking. But if they aren’t live tweeting my pee, then there is only one thing they can be doing with their phone in the bathroom stall and that’s taking pictures of their poop and sending it to friends and family. Listen- I’m not here to judge anyone, but it’s probably best if you take poop photos at home, don’t you think? I mean, at the very least I’m sure the lighting is better.
The worst part is the awkward eye contact when we’re both at the sink washing our hands. I know what you did, you know what you did, but we can’t talk about it, so I make some comments about zombie ants and killer jellyfish and you can’t even respond because you feel so guilty about live tweeting my bodily functions and taking pictures of your poop. Let’s put an end to this cycle. Please, please stop bringing your phone into the bathroom stall with you. Or, at least, stop texting when someone is in the stall next to you. That way, when we’re at the sinks we can have nice conversations about interesting nature anomalies.