The Oppression Of A Next Stall Texter


You know how when you’re in a restroom with several stalls and someone in the stall next to you is obviously texting because you can hear the clicking on their phone? I find that oppressive.

It’s like, “Hey lady (you know, because I’m usually in the ladies room) stop texting! Do your business and be gone with you!”  What is so important that it can’t wait 2-15 minutes (depending on what exactly your bathroom business is)? Nothing. Nothing is that important. It’s one thing if you want to text and poop at home, I’m not trying to make windows into your soul (shout out to my girl Elizabeth I), you’re more than welcome to do whatever you want in your own bathroom. But here, in this public or office restroom, it’s weird for you to have your phone with you.

Why? Well, for one thing, I get super pee shy and when I can hear you texting in the stall next to me it makes me even more shy because I assume that you’re texting about me and my bodily functions. Like “Hey. Some girl just went into the stall next to me. I bet she’s going to poop. Haha.” And for the record, I wasn’t going to poop because I only poop in the office restroom if no one else is in there. That’s just good manners. They taught me that in cotillion. Or maybe you’re texting something like “Whoa. This girl just went into the stall next to me and started peeing like a racehorse. Ick. Eat asparagus much? LOL.” And yeah, I do eat lots of asparagus because it’s super healthy and will probably prevent armpit cancer and maybe you shouldn’t be commenting on my pee at all you Nosey Noserson.

Logically, I realize people probably aren’t live tweeting about my pee. That’s just my pee shyness talking. But if they aren’t live tweeting my pee, then there is only one thing they can be doing with their phone in the bathroom stall and that’s taking pictures of their poop and sending it to friends and family. Listen- I’m not here to judge anyone, but it’s probably best if you take poop photos at home, don’t you think? I mean, at the very least I’m sure the lighting is better.

The worst part is the awkward eye contact when we’re both at the sink washing our hands. I know what you did, you know what you did, but we can’t talk about it, so I make some comments about zombie ants and killer jellyfish and you can’t even respond because you feel so guilty about live tweeting my bodily functions and taking pictures of your poop. Let’s put an end to this cycle. Please, please stop bringing your phone into the bathroom stall with you. Or, at least, stop texting when someone is in the stall next to you. That way, when we’re at the sinks we can have nice conversations about interesting nature anomalies.

47 thoughts on “The Oppression Of A Next Stall Texter

  1. carcarbone says:

    I’ve read a few of your posts. They are great. We have a very similar way of thinking. 😀

      1. I have an unofficial rule about only one person being able to talk to me while I’m holding my man parts… and I probably haven’t even met her yet.

  2. OMG – I cannot stand when someone starts talking to me in the next stall over and it is not for extra toliet paper – YIKES!!! I have heard people on their cell phones in the next stall over and texting is not much better, but at least you could flush and no one would know.

      1. I confess, I was hoping to find an applicable Narnia quote, but Narnia is surprisingly light on bathroom etiquette. Ah, well.

  3. Lucky you, you don’t have to stand next to someone when peeing in the men’s bathroom. It’s really, really awkward. I’m 22 and I still have pee shyness when someone else is standing next to me. I just look at the ceiling to pretend no one’s at my side. But I can’t fool my bladder.

  4. “…at the very least I’m sure the lighting is better.” HA! Seriously. And this reminded me of one of those ‘fail’ pics that I absolutely can’t get out of my head (UNFORTUNATELY) – where this young girl took a picture of herself in the bathroom in her underwear (MySpace-style), trying to look sexy. She had the camera way up high, and you could see the toilet in the background. The very full toilet.

  5. beck16 says:

    Thanks for giving me the best laugh of the day!! You’re hilarious and I love reading your posts 🙂

  6. Texting is one thing but I can never figure out how some people can talk and pee. Do they want to share that? I know the sound of rain on he roof is calming but piss hitting the bowl? I’m always tempted to let loose with a cheek- flapping rip roaring fart for the listener’s enjoyment

    1. If I was on the other end I would probably suggest they call me back at another time. There is no conversation so important it can’t wait for someone to finish using the restroom.

  7. Well at least you know she washes her hands…if she takes her device into the bathroom, who knows where else it’s been.

    Maybe it comes with a vibrator app. 🙂

  8. SweetP says:

    This is so funny!! Have to admit, I’ve not been in this situation before, but I do agree, there are some situations where the phone is not required! Next time just imagine that person having sex, they probably text during that as well! 🙂

  9. Hate to say it but Im a serial toilet texter, tweeter, facebooker, and emailer. I am not allowed to do any social media stuff on my work computer so I use potty breaks for those activities. However, I do turn off the clicking on my phone so as not to distract others from doing their business.

  10. I am SO guilty of doing this. In fact, I’m doing it right now. That being said my iPhone is on silent and the vent system in here is, well, loud. No one will ever know I was texting in here.

    Plus, it totally just helped that turd slide right on out.

    And yes, for the record I have absolutely taken a photo of my giant turd at work and sent it to my husband.

    I don’t usually worry about it because when I have to poop, I take advantage of the situation no matter where I’m at. If I don’t I may end up constipated. Or at least that’s my fear.

    I should get off the pot now… Great post, BTW. Thanks for the quick break. 😉

  11. This is definitely my pet-peeve! I thought I was weird for thinking its rude!
    But I guess in those people’s defense, maybe they don’t want to text in the office & get caught so they take their phone with them. But it doesn’t make sense to text in the stall… Ewwww unhygienic!!!

  12. My brother likes to text me to let me know he’s pooping. That is as off-putting as someone texting in the next stall. Also disturbing is when you walk into the bathroom & you can HEAR someone “sexting” as they call it. And do you know how you know they’re sexting? This is what you hear “beep, beep, beep” or “click click click” followed by “mmmm-hmmm” or various grunting noises or the constant up & down of a zipper. Zipper is up! They’re done! No…zipper is down again. *FLASH*…well, they certainly aren’t done. Same scenario with girls that wear skirts & heels only it’s more obvious when you only see one stiletto on the tile floor because you know the other one is propped up on the toilet in some contortionist fashion. Then you both come out of the bathroom & the bathroom-phone-hussy walks right up to her friends, cuts her eyes at you and goes “omg – that girl was totally sexting in the bathroom!” At that point, you pretty much just want to break her phone…with her face.

  13. You’ve obviously been thinking about this for a long time. You need to send this out as a memo to everyone in your office. Thank you, great way to start my day!

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