The Truth About Fire Ants.

Here in Tejas, we have fire ants. And those fire ants will occasionally bite you. And that literally stings- they aren’t called fire ants for nothing. Of course, my first instinct is to squash the thing that bit me and that’s what I do. I slap the hell out of that fire ant and send it straight to the fire ant afterlife which I imagine is something like this life only giant humans don’t slap the hell out of you. Even though the fire ant totally had it coming because it bit me and left a nasty red bump, I always feel guilty immediately after I kill them. I mean, they are just so small. So what if they bite? It’s not that bad. They’re so tiny they need a big bite in order to stand up for themselves. They’re just tiny little bugs trying to make a place for themselves in this crazy thing we call life. And, also, they’re so strong and such hard Β workers and I really admire hard work. Every time I kill a fire ant, I feel genuinely bad. I mean, compared to them I’m literally a giant. It’s not really fair for me to squash them when life has given me such an advantage over them. I just feel so guilty about killing those hard working little guys.

At least, I did feel guilty until I started writing this post and actually tried to learn something about fire ants. The truth is- those little buggers deserve to get squashed. They aren’t helpless at all- they attack small animals. Like baby bunnies. They swarm them and eat them like a bunch of tiny unstoppable monsters. Also, they kill grasshoppers, which has led me to believe that fire ants are responsible for everything bad that has happened in the human world. Why? Umm, because they are killing people’s Jiminy Crickets. How are people supposed to act responsibly when their consciences are being murdered by fire ants? Oh, and did you know that all the workers are sterile females? Yeah, they have to do everything in the colony. All the male fire ants just get to have sex with the Queen fire ant all day long and then get pampered by the female worker ants later. This is some bull.

In conclusion, don’t feel bad about killing fire ants. They kill bunnies and our consciences. They must be stopped.

39 thoughts on “The Truth About Fire Ants.

  1. Katherine Kelley says:

    Love the song about Fire Ants that came out in the seventies or eighties. I hate them. Thankfully, I think I have driven them all to the neighbors’ yards.

  2. 1. Ants will also pull bugs in to an underground passage, and pull their legs off in order to store them for eating later.

    2. I got my first fire ant bites (2) last summer. “Ow, that stings… wow, that really stings… Holy crap my shoulder really hurts!”

  3. SweetP says:

    Thank you for such an informative post πŸ™‚ Must say I never feel guilty about killing any insect! We are entering mosquito season and when I’m up at the cottage I sit outside armed with my electrified “tennis” racquet and swat at them all! I love to see them sizzle and lite up as they take their last breath! Keep up the good work and save those little innocent rabbits/Jimmie Crickets etc.

  4. awesome….
    I now dont feel bad for all those ants I threw in spider webs….
    The only nice ant was the ant from Honey I Shrunk the Kids. Do you remember Anty??

  5. This actually DOES make me feel better – about killing bugs in general. Oh wait, that wasn’t your point, was it? I swear I don’t kill the crickets. That’s just bad luck.

  6. craig78681 says:

    Not only should they die, it should be as painful and gruesome as possible. If fire ants weren’t stupid it would serve as a useful warning to the others, but they are, it won’t, so … die, die, DIE! No amount of revenge is too much. If only I could kill them twice. No, three times.

  7. Not to mention they’re chauvinist little A-holes, too, apparently. I feel like leading a revolt against fire ants now. AMDRO Quick Kill Fire Ant Mound Drench, anyone??

  8. They are one of the few things I hate about our state!

    PS We made a quick trip to Austin yesterday. Like to Austin and back to pick up our niece. And I said “hi” to you as we entered the city. I didn’t hear you say “hi” back but the music was on and I probably just didn’t hear you.

  9. On the other hand, as Anya once memorably observed….
    “Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes!
    They’ve got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses!
    And what’s with all the carrots?
    What do they need such good eyesight for anywayyyyyy?
    Bunnies, bunnies, it must be BUNNIES!”

  10. They are the Borg of the insect world. Each one individually is a dope, but together they tend to exhibit almost a group-like consciousness that allows them to accomplish their evil ends. The individual is inconsequential, to a fire ant colony. The individual ant’s life is only useful as it benefits the colony at large. And they destroy/devour anything in their path without mercy, be it prey or enemy.

    Squishing is too good for the like’s of them.

  11. I got bitten by fire ants last year – it was truly awful. I will squash, spray, drown, burn – whatever it takes to murder the little bastards. You can read about my fiasco here:

    I still have “scarred” areas where the bites were (the skin is a different color, there isn’t really a scar, just leathery “spots” where the poison was.

  12. I am SO relieved that you came to this conclusion. I was beginning to worry about you…At the end of the day, there are just some things in the ecological chain that arguably serve little purpose except to bug the hell out the other species (no pun intended). Power to the bunnies!!!

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