Here in Tejas, we have fire ants. And those fire ants will occasionally bite you. And that literally stings- they aren’t called fire ants for nothing. Of course, my first instinct is to squash the thing that bit me and that’s what I do. I slap the hell out of that fire ant and send it straight to the fire ant afterlife which I imagine is something like this life only giant humans don’t slap the hell out of you. Even though the fire ant totally had it coming because it bit me and left a nasty red bump, I always feel guilty immediately after I kill them. I mean, they are just so small. So what if they bite? It’s not that bad. They’re so tiny they need a big bite in order to stand up for themselves. They’re just tiny little bugs trying to make a place for themselves in this crazy thing we call life. And, also, they’re so strong and such hard workers and I really admire hard work. Every time I kill a fire ant, I feel genuinely bad. I mean, compared to them I’m literally a giant. It’s not really fair for me to squash them when life has given me such an advantage over them. I just feel so guilty about killing those hard working little guys.
At least, I did feel guilty until I started writing this post and actually tried to learn something about fire ants. The truth is- those little buggers deserve to get squashed. They aren’t helpless at all- they attack small animals. Like baby bunnies. They swarm them and eat them like a bunch of tiny unstoppable monsters. Also, they kill grasshoppers, which has led me to believe that fire ants are responsible for everything bad that has happened in the human world. Why? Umm, because they are killing people’s Jiminy Crickets. How are people supposed to act responsibly when their consciences are being murdered by fire ants? Oh, and did you know that all the workers are sterile females? Yeah, they have to do everything in the colony. All the male fire ants just get to have sex with the Queen fire ant all day long and then get pampered by the female worker ants later. This is some bull.
In conclusion, don’t feel bad about killing fire ants. They kill bunnies and our consciences. They must be stopped.