Seriously, You Should Read Your Spam Comments

I Heart Comment Spam

Last week, I shared a delightful spam comment I received and mentioned that I would be checking my spam folder a lot more often for blogging fodder. Obviously, the spam gods are smiling upon me because yesterday, I received this little gem.

“Don’t know how to attract girls? It’s not your fault. I’m about to tell you something that’s going to make you angry. But I’ll tell you anyway because it’s going to make a difference in your dating life. You’ve Been Programmed to Fail with Women and You Probably don’t Even Know it!”

 This spammer had me at “It’s not your fault”. I mean, who knew all these years I could have been attracting girls if I had just been programmed correctly. And really, let’s forget about attracting girls, and talk about how I didn’t even know I was “programmed” at all. Y’all, apparently I’m a malfunctioning robot.  But it’s ok because it’s not my fault. Basically all my failures are just programming malfunctions and you should probably call your service provider if you’re unhappy with my performance. I just thought you guys might want to know that.

Also, it’s totally ok for you to Capitalize Random Words in the Last Sentence of a Spam Comment (and for my purposes a blog post about spam comments).

54 thoughts on “Seriously, You Should Read Your Spam Comments

  1. Some person once commented what seemed to be a research paper on some islands. It must have been 1000+ words but I read the whole thing .. and it didn’t feel like a complete waste of time since I learned something.

    Well I guess I learned something a bit useless to me… Ok, so maybe it was a waste of time.

    I like spam comments 🙂

    Great post!


  2. lifeandothermisadventures says:

    My spam is much more boring: “Republicans cant know but Newt Gingrich looks like he may be the real front runner.”

    Sad but true – I guess my blog dating life isn’t spicy enough when Newt Gingrich is what I get for spam!

  3. Spam gets put together the same way our sexiness does. It’s programmed. The stuff you don’t buy into is just programmed to fail. Really makes spammers angry. You should be selling your blog as a spam elixir since people are now reading their spam!

  4. This was in my spam folder:

    Hello Webmaster, I noticed that is ranking pretty low on Google and has a low Google PageRank. Now the Google PageRank is how Google is able to see how relevant your webpage is compared to all the other webpages online, if you cannot rank high at the top of Google, then you will NOT get the traffic you need. Now usually trying to get to the top of Google costs hundreds if not thousands of dollars and very highly optimized targeted marketing campaigns that takes a team of experts months to achieve. However, we can show you how to get to the top of Google with no out of pocket expenses (free traffic), no stupid ninja tricks, no silly mind control techniques, and this will be all white hat with no blackhat software or tactics that could possibly land you on bad terms with Google and put you in the dreaded “Google Sandbox”. We’ll show you how to easily capture all the targeted traffic you need, for free, multiple ways to land fast (not months) first-page rankings in Google and other major search engines (Bing, Yahoo, Ask, etc), even show you strategies on how to earn daily commissions just try Ranking Top of Google, please check out our 5 minute video.

    I give kudos for working in “ninja tricks,” but no points for attacking my “self-esteem.”

  5. So far I’ve not attracted any to my WordPress blog. My Posterous one though has this persistent person posing as a helpful Chinese banker promising me squillions.

  6. I had one that told me how fantastic my blog was, how much they enjoyed my latest post and how I really helped them understand the subject better (it was a post full of yellow pictures). It was signed ‘love horny at’! LOVE.IT. Spam makes me laugh!

  7. “Peace! Your Majesties, my Lords,” said King Lune. “Have we no more gravity among us than to be so chafed at the taunt of a pajock?” -The Horse and His Boy.

  8. Who writes spam comments like this? No one, that’s who. No one *human*, anyway. This is clearly an early effort by Skynet to slow the population growth of its enemy – mankind. Skynet’s spam robots scour the interweb looking for attractive, funny, and smart female human bloggers.

    Once they identify a target, they try to trick that young lady into “switching teams” so that their superior genes don’t get passed on to future generations. The fact that this one threw in the line about your “programming” being defective is a dead give-away. Must be an older model robot. Skynet’s spam robot technology is getting more and more sophisticated all the time. They hardly ever use the Nigerian Millionaire bit anymore.

    Just keep your eyes open for a good looking visitor from the future who seems a bit confused about how things work in our current non-threatening society. He could turn out to be quite helpful. Also, he may not initially be wearing pants. Don’t judge him too harshly for that.

  9. Ged says:

    This is funny…I love how you’ve been apparently ‘programmed’! Made my afternoon, thanks for sharing! Definitely one I’m tweeting. 🙂

  10. Haha…I read my spam comments constantly. For one, I have a few that aren’t really spam. For two, I never knew I could be a porn star until I read my spam. Ok, maybe I won’t be taking up that last one, but it was nice to know I could do it if I wanted to.

  11. Love it. I’ve got a thing for spam email. Recently, I rec’d one of those “I’ve got a million gazillion dollars to put in your bank, all I need is your account info” emails so I decided to write this person back. I created a fake name – Umona Raze and then replied using my vampire/werewolf hybrid personality & explained if we could invest the money in raw meat & blood banks then I might be interested! PRAYING this person writes me back! Spam is FUN!

  12. I kind of have a feeling that this comment might end up in your spam, just because I’m including the randomness of a spammer, but this is one I got a few days ago that made me laugh:
    “Great post! It always amaze me how people can take time to write them. But to be honest maybe you should change the color of the texts? Sorry if I am being rude, just trying to help. Kind regards, Sophia” … this is from “horny hot”. “Dear Sophia, if your pseudonym wasn’t ‘horny hot’, I would be able to take your constructive criticism a bit more seriously. You’re very polite, though, which is appreciated. Sincerely, ‘doesn’t-fall-for-spam-comments-as-often-any-more'”
    Good to know that our spammers are all looking out for our well-being – mine is critiqueing my blog, and yours is trying to get you a girl 🙂

  13. I too, am sometimes struck with giggling hysteria at some of the bizarre spam comments. I don’t even understand spam – don’t spammers know we know they are spammers? Or are spammers robots? It mystifies me! Love your post.

  14. Ahhh but he didn’t say anything about being “rattling informative.”

    Technical sorta…kinda…question..who programs these things? I have not really looked into how exactly comment spam works, or how the bots/spams do they say the things they do?

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