This post is a letter, nay, a thank you letter to a guy a know. Well, it’s a guy I know but don’t really know know, you know? I call him Drunkie McGee and I have adored him since I met about 10,000 of him in college. But this letter isn’t to just any Drunkie McGee, it’s to a very special version of Drunkie McGee that I like to call “Drunkie McGee at the Gym”. (I’m not all that clever with nicknames….)
Dear Drunkie McGee at the Gym,
I love you. I don’t understand or respect you, but I love you. And by “love” I mean “love to laugh at/make snide remarks in my head about”. I think you are hilarious. You make bars, restaurants, house-parties, superbowl Sunday, the gym, concerts, and Thursdays pretty fun.You’re the one everybody talks about the next day with affectionate dialogue such as “Did you see Drunkie McGee swallow 10 ping-pong balls last night?”, and “Can you believe Drunkie McGee hooked up with that stuffed badger last night?”, and “I’m worried Drunkie McGee has a drinking problem.” But Saturdays are particularly special because you go to the gym and work-out while in that classic no-mans-land between drunk and hungover. Why you choose to work-out while somehow drunk is a mystery. A beautiful mystery like Stonehenge or how sugar becomes cotton candy. I don’t actually want to know why you choose to work out while still drunk because I have some wonderful theories on that very subject that are probably a lot more magical than the truth. My theories are as follows…
1. Because you are so drunk, you feel uninhibited and unashamed about the fact that you can only lift 15lbs.
2. Because you still have beer goggles on, you think every girl in the gym looks like a supermodel and it makes you happy to be surrounded by that much beauty.
3. You have beer googles for yourself, and think that you look smoking hot even though you have very dark circles under your eyes, vomit on your t-shirt, and smell like decaying animal stuffed with vomit covered in old spice.
4. You burn more calories when you’re drunk. If that’s true, expect to see me drunk at the gym a lot.
5. The elliptical machine burns alcohol off and you are working out in an effort to sober up.
I’m not a doctor, but it would seem that theories 4 and 5 aren’t true. Also, it would seem that working-out while drunk would be dangerous. I mean, what it is about lifting heavy objects while drunk that appeals to you? I can only imagine, if none of my other theories are correct, then you’re working-out drunk to entertain me while I climb up a staircase that never ends and sometimes maybe I cry a little bit. So, I guess I just want to say thanks. And also, call a cab to take you home.