I like to give things code names. Why? Because I can, yo. Also, when you use code names people feel like you are really mysterious (or insane) and they are all like “Whoa. GotC has got a LOT of things going for her. She is a balla in the world of humor blogging, she totally dominates trivia games (so true), and now she’s got this whole woman of mystery thing working for her. I want to be just like her when I lose my mind.” Dare to dream kids. Dare to dream.
Because I think highly of everyone who reads this blog (except you, guy who doesn’t follow my hilarious Twitter posts….you know who you are), I’m going to let you in on some of my favorite code names. You’re welcome but really, the best way to thank me is to nominate me for something with a cash prize. Just sayin.
I need a prozac – Means I need to be out in the sun. I believe that the sun is nature’s prozac. Also, people who don’t get this one sometimes feel sorry for me and buy me ice-cream, even though I would totally have preferred a sno-cone but I don’t want to be ungrateful.
I have to use the little girls room– Means I’m totally bailing on whatever it is I’m doing. Best used on a bad date or in a bad meeting. They think you went to the restroom but really you ran like hell. Besides, I would never, ever, say “little girls room” for restroom – it makes me think of women who wear all pink and bows and have like 12 cats and also cross-stitch threatening messages on pillows they send to their ex-boyfriends. I don’t even know how to cross-stitch.
I’m grouchy because I’m hungry. This one can be confusing because occasionally I am grouchy due to hunger but I use it most frequently when I’m giving an excuse for being rude to someone who is annoying me. What it really means is “You’re annoying as hell but I can’t tell you that right now.”
Let me process that. Used frequently in business situations, it means I need time to think of a nice way to tell you your idea is terrible. Or it means that I’m mad about something but haven’t figured out how to express that without using curse words and pepper spray.
I can’t tell you anymore without swearing you into my secret society. If you would like to be a member of my secret society simply email me for an application. We also have a handshake.