The Last Will and Testament of Girl O.T. Contrary, Badass

Remember me like this.

Before you panic and begin spiraling down into a deep and lasting depression- you should know I’m not dead. Probably. I mean, I’m writing this on a Wednesday and not publishing it until Friday so…who knows really? You better turn on CNN and read the ticker at the bottom of the screen to see if word of my death has spread. No? Keep watching it. If your eyes are getting tired then just focus on the Β main screen, if I’m dead Anderson Cooper will probably be crying. If he isn’t crying, I’m not dead. Feel free to celebrate the fact I’m still alive by throwing a party in my honor, writing your congressperson requesting that a day be set aside in my honor, or by sending me cash. Any of these are honorable ways to celebrate my still being alive. If you see Anderson Cooper crying, that means I’m dead. Feel free to throw a party in my honor, weep unashamedly in front of your friends, quit your job and dedicate the rest of your life to writing my biography, or spend all the rest of your days praying that I made it into Heaven and was awarded my angel wings immediately. These are all honorable ways to mourn my death.

But, I’m probably still alive. In the off chance I’m not still alive, I would like to go ahead and apologize to my family for this post. It’s incredibly inappropriate, but I’m sure you’ve come to expect that of me by now. It’s kind of funny though, right? In a real hatcha-cha kind of way.

On to what you really want to know….who is getting all my awesome stuff???

Jokes on you! I don’t have any awesome stuff. In yo face! Man, even from Heaven I am totally hysterical. I mean my family pretty much gets everything but I will happily will away the stuff I don’t expect them to keep.

To All My Blogging Buddies: You get this blog. Which is pretty much the big prize in this will so count yourselves lucky. Unfortunately, you have to split it 1,591 different ways because as of today that is the number of subscribers I have. You each get to write .23 posts a year. Unless it’s a leap-year. In that case, I expect you to all get together and put together a compilation of mournful tunes and post them as a tribute to me. Actually, all your posts should be tributes to me. It would be really weird if you used this blog for anything else. Seriously, keep the pervy stuff for you own blogs.

To Mary: You get my annotated books and journals. Basically, it’s a treasure trove of wit and insight. Any money you make from my brilliant ideas should be used for charity. Or really cute clothes. I’ll let you be the judge.

To Captain Thoughtful: You get all the pictures of me, that way, the shrine you erect in my honor will look awesome. Also, you get me as a guardian angel. I promise to be a totally badass guardian angel and to pinch people who are mean to you so that they learn to associate meanness to you to pain and refrain from doing it forever. You’re welcome.

End of will. (Sort of, the rest is mostly curse words and inappropriate jokes)

Educlaytion gave me the idea for this post like a year ago. I just found it half-written in my drafts. Life is fun isn’t is? Anyway, read his blog, because he’s real clever and other nice things you say about people. Now, what are you guys leaving for me in your wills? I’ve got my fingers crossed for some chia pets!!!

28 thoughts on “The Last Will and Testament of Girl O.T. Contrary, Badass

  1. Comments suggest you are still alive! I’ll be dancing for joy all day (and week!). I don’t have cnn so I wasn’t able to check for crying men…

  2. You make me feel like my inspiration lives on. You are clever too but for a minute you had me worried that Girl OTC was going away. No! I thought. But I will take any leftover muppets you may have laying around. And is that a giant gummy bear you have there?

  3. I would like to will unto you my boxed dvd set of Felicity, freshman year. It was the best year of her college experience and I think you would appreciate it. My family would probably just give it to goodwill anyway.

  4. So wait…. are you dead???
    I am confused. But just in case I will keep crying. They will either be tears of sadness or or tears of joy.
    You know, depending on the outcome.
    Can I have your deathly fear of aliens?

  5. All other things being equal… I’m way closer to the big jump than you are. Given that fact, I’ve done some thinking about wills and what becomes of my stuff after I’ve shuffled off this mortal coil. At one point I was thinking about a big Viking style funeral where they would perch me atop a huge pile of my stuff and light it on fire…. but the pistol and rifle rounds cooking off from the heat would be crazy dangerous so I had to scrap that idea.

    But I digress.

    In the event that I’m wrong, and you do indeed go first, I would like to erect a monument to your greatness so that all your followers will have a place to go and pay homage. Kind of like a pilgrimage where they can leave offerings of gummies and sweet tarts. And what, you may ask, would be the form of this monument of devotion?…

    A GIANT Chia Pet. Huge. I’m talkin’ 30 or 40 feet tall. And not some lame kitty or frog chia either. No Ma’am. It’ll be an owl. Because owls are cool, and the Chia company is crazy for not making a chia owl to begin with.

    Also, the massive amount of sprouts will provide tasty salads for the Pilgrims during their visits.

    1. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever offered to do for me. You sir, have made my week! You have my blessing to erect a giant chia owl in my honor should I pass. I promise, should you pass before me, I will go out to the gun range and give you a 21 gun salute (I’ll use 21 different guns and shoot them all once). πŸ™‚

  6. “And if we’re dead-which I don’t deny it might be-well, you got to remember that worse things ‘appen at sea, and a chap’s got to die sometime. And there ain’t nothing to be afraid of if a chap’s led a decent life. And if you ask me, I think the best thing we could do to pass the time would be sing a ‘ymn.” -The Cabby, the Magician’s Nephew.

  7. Your blog update just got to my email account when I was looking away and when I looked back there it was, and the title kinda freaked me out.

    You are insane, insanely awesome but still insane!!

    Loving the pic! but I rather remember you in your blue dress, man that picture was hot. Can I have that one? I could pretend to be you on okcupid and see what happens haHahA

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