What’s The Protocol For This?

Cat Fart

Picture it: You’re sitting in a moderately full meeting room in the middle of a very long and discussion heavy meeting. Every one in that room needs to be there. The man sitting next to you (a man in a very prominent position) is passing gas like it is going to produce vast amounts of money. His flatulence smells like what you image zombie’s decaying flesh to smell like only slightly more hellacious. What do you do?

I’ll tell you what I did. I sat through that entire 3 hour meeting and didn’t say a thing even though I was almost gagging by the end of it. It was one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever had to sit through. Usually, when someone is farting up a storm, you can leave the room or roll down a window or something, but when you’re in a meeting? What’s a girl with a very strong sense of smell to do?  I mean, he should have excused himself, right? Or should I have offered him some pepto bismol and acknowledged his nasty farting problem? Listen, everyone farts, even Oprah, and that doesn’t really bother me but if you’re passing the silent but deadly variety in a closed space, I think you should at least try everything you can to remedy the problem. I realize calling attention to it would have embarrassed him, which is why I didn’t say anything, but it seems like there should have been some solution other than me choking on his fart smell.

I don’t know. You guys tell me, what’s the protocol on something like this?

62 thoughts on “What’s The Protocol For This?

  1. IMO he was the one who should have been worrying about protocol. You never bomb a room with silent and deadly. You excuse yourself and go do your business…unless that bomb is a revenge bomb.

  2. I have a coworker who regularly fruit farts in random locations at work.

    I was working in an enclosed area handling transactions at work when he walked in to have a conversation with me. All seemed well until I suddenly smelled the fruit fart odor and he casually exited the area without saying a word. Sometimes, I’ll have to go count money in the office after he was in there for an hour and I struggle not to barf the entire time.

    I wish they would just come in and spray some deoderizer or something. :/

    See, I’m a blunt person and if i fart unexpectedly and it smells..I say something like “Hey umm..so we all might want to move about 5 feet that way as its about to stink in this spot.” (i’ve honestly done this before)

    Worst thing I had to deal with was a former boss of mine told me to go talk/take care of a co-worker of ours about how he smelled bad. (he smelled of sweaty crotch + yeast) Talk about awkward conversation.

  3. blackshepherd says:

    try this: Dude…I know it’s you and if you don’t excuse yourself pronto I’m going to tell the whole fucking room… which would work but would be sad and embarrassing for me cause I’m about to share one of the most closely held secrets from MANDOM “THEY FUCKING REVEL IN IT” I kid you not…I know for I have secretly revelled in it…the potential annoynimity…the private knowledge that the gas you pass may be toxic to others but appeals to your own narcissistic lizard brain which hates to be leashed….every time I fart like that I think: “this one’s for you Sister Leotine…remember the rulers…I do!” Or I imagine that I’ve just wiped out all the evil creatures in the world and that only those that have survived without ratting will go on to eternal life…every man thinks this way…I won’t live long now…but but but…I expect my soul to be claimed on the feminine side…I’m told I have someone pulling for me and that she can retrain me….so, when I hit the enter button be ready to catch me….10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 ….

  4. Hehe. Hilarious post and even hilarious comments 😛

    What you can do is, carry a perfumed hankie and when the flatulence smell becomes unbearable, smell the perfumed hankie for a minute… next some minutes (at least) will be bearable… continue this action several times (as per requirement) if the *action* spans for 3 hours 😉

  5. Your first paragraph was totally hilarious. Of course, unless you have a comparably-paying job lined up, you really couldn’t “out” him, unless you think that would make him respect you for being a strong person. Doubtful, right? I have a crap sense of smell, which is worrisome in that it supposedly is an early sign of possible Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s or other dreaded things, yet very convenient as I get older in a lot of ways.
    It surely would have been fun to turn to him after a few “bombs”, though, and loudly say: “Whoo-oo-wee, ‘Joe’, did you have dead rat for lunch today, or what? Wow!” while waving your hand in front of your nose.

  6. If something set off the gas within in, I excuse myself and run to the bathroom, red faced and well….yes, that end too. I’m amazed he farted for 3 hrs and did nothing about it. Where are his methane manners?

      1. I don’t think I’m giving away any guy secrets here, but we gentlemen are genetically hard-coded to revel in farts. Some of us succumb to decency, but it could very well be that we has having himself a ball.

  7. Unfortunately I have had to deal with this before. I excused myself and went to the restroom and got some lotion. Every time the stench got so bad I would act like my nose was itching and sniff the lotion on my finger so I would keep from gagging.

  8. If everyone in the room knows who is doing it to start with, you could always just let one rip yourself in his direction and do the look of death in his direction. You might even get a war started!! Ewww

    Alternatively just casually say “I can smell gas, can anyone else? I think there might be a gas leak in the building”. That usually gets a reaction

  9. The next meeting I would come in wearing a clothes peg on my nose 🙂

    No seriously, it’s rude and he needs to be outed on it. If he has a medical problem, he should see someone about or at least apologise and excuse himself when he does it.

  10. The person passing the gas should have left the meeting, dealt with it and returned or not if the problem had passed. There is nothing worse than passing gas in a confined space, especially in the working environment. I know it is natural, but when it smells to the point of gagging, come on and remove yourself, please!

  11. Option 1: Pull out a lighter or book of matches and threaten to light it while looking suggestively at the farter.

    Option 2: Start sniffing in an obvious way and say, “Does anyone else smell that? Should I go check if there’s a dead body in the ventilation ducts?”

    Option 3: Stand up, groan while holding your lower back and go stand against the wall on the opposite side of the room. (I’ve seen people stand at meetings if their lower back hurts from sitting.)

    If being on the other side of the room doesn’t help… excuse yourself, go into the hallway and set off the fire alarm. Meeting adjourned. Your fellows from the meeting will thank you.

    (Note: I wouldn’t be brave enough to do any of these.)

    1. True story related to option 2 – someone I know very well had something with excess stomach bacteria. When she tried going vegetarian she was producing copious amounts of horrid stench – and her desk was directly below an air vent. After a week, the building management came in to check if there was a dead squirrel in the ductwork. That’s when she decided to see a Dr. And I swear it wasn’t me – I wouldn’t go vegetarian…

  12. You should have been like… man…. what died in here and open a window or door.
    You aren’t singling the guy out but you are warning him that you will call him out if he ever does that again!!!

  13. Luckily I work from home, although it’s usually me that’s the offender. Too many burritos. But putting my MBA to use, here are some options:

    1 – You: I’d like to add something to the agenda.
    Meeting leader: OK, what is it?
    You: I propose we have a brainstorming session to discuss the business case for proactively creating a value-added, multi-faceted, paradigm-shifting business process-oriented, aroma remediation system that will add immediate benefits to our employee motivation.

    2 – You: I’d like to add something to the agenda.
    Meeting leader: OK, what is it?
    You: Who beefed?

    3 – Schedule hourly bio-breaks. You’ll get brief relief and maybe the offender can “lighten his/her load”.

  14. Send a text to yourself. And then say “excuse me, a family emergency has come up” and exit quickly with no further explanation? Personally, I would run screaming from the room.

  15. Well, adult me would have done the same as you. Immature me in a meeting I’d never have to attend again would have kept finding excuses to leave forward and to the left and giggle alot.

  16. You really can’t do anything because if you say something, people think, “He who smellt it, dealt it.”

    It’s times like that when I’m happy I spend half of my life stuffed up.

  17. “What would you do?”

    I have virtually no sense of smell, due to a helmet-less motorcycle wreck years and years ago. So, stuff like this goes largely unnoticed by me unless someone is ripping ’em out with audible gusto so that I can hear it. Its one of my less impressive yet often valuable super powers. Something seriously noxious, like a skunk, I can sort of taste in the air – but my nose is largely decorative aside from keeping my glasses from falling off.

    I’ve tried to think of something similarly annoying/invasive that someone might do in such a situation that’s comparable. Since I’m only on my first cup of coffee this morning all I can come up with is “close talkers”. Apples and Oranges, I know, but close talkers SERIOUSLY get under my skin. So much so that I’ve had to push someone back with my hand (gently) on a couple of occassions when they didn’t get the hint of me backing up and kept closing the distance repeatedly.

    I don’t recommend you take if physical with the flatulent offender, but I’d address it with him if it seriously bothers you. First in private after the meeting, and then in front of everyone if he repeats the performance in the future. Just make sure he’s the one cutting the cheese, and not someone nearby.

    1. In this case, your lack of smell would have been a very valuable super power. It was definitely him because he wasn’t there the first half of the meeting and then when he came in and sat next to me (the only other one on my side of the table) that’s when the noxious gas started to flow. Alas, I don’t know if I would have the courage to address it, especially because he’s one of my largest clients.

  18. Wow, I don’t know. I probably would have sat through it as well.

    Farting at the office is the worst. Especially when its you, and its audible.

    I sneezed last week and happened to fart at the same time, but horrifyingly – the fart was louder.. and obvious. A mysterious silence followed and I wanted to die.

  19. There is but one protocol and it does not apply to you, unfortunately. That protocol is this, and it applies to the offending arse: DON’T.

    Yours not to ask why, yours but to breathe and die.

    Flatulence, dear lady, is always an ill wind that blows no good. In this case, senior man in room = good expense account money spent unhesitatingly on a hearty meal last night = trapped air marinated in a post-digestion nuclear-grade mishmash of wine+soup+starters+wine+entree+ second course+wine+ desserts+wine+GodHimselfKnowsWhat. All systems are go.

    But it is a human body function, limited only by modern courtesy. The British Parliament permits flatulence while government is in session, in a compassionate understanding on the inevitability of things.

    1. Haha! Love this comment! And now that I know it’s allowed in Parliament I feel like I’m now a part of some grand tradition of politely ignoring the gas of the man next to you while you argue. 😉

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