Prepared For The Apocalypse/Not In A Cult

Apocalypse Wordle

So, I got this email a few days ago.

Dear Girl on the Contrary,

 Why are you so obsessed with the apocalypse? Are you a member of a cult?


 That Guy.  (I changed the name for a couple reasons but mainly because I’m not sure this person doesn’t work for the government and isn’t investigating me because I’m on some sort of watch list and I really don’t need to upset them any further than I already have.)

Obviously, I need to respond to this.

Dear That Guy,

 Thank you for your strange email. Strange emails are my favorite! Although that in no way indicates I’m a part of strange and possibly illegal activities- perhaps I should have used the word “random” that seems less suspicious, right? Are you investigating me? I think you have to tell me if you are. I don’t know for sure but I heard that in a movie and so it’s probably true. I would feel a lot more at ease if I knew why you were asking me these questions. For the record, if you are investigating me, I hope it’s been really fun and maybe made you laugh but not resulted in anything you can actually ship me off to secret prison for.

 I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with the apocalypse. Obsessed is an awfully strong word. I would say I was very interested and well prepared for the apocalypse. That seems a smidge less insane. The reason why I fret about the apocalypse and try my best to prepare for it is completely logical and not at all crazy. My reasoning (and it’s pretty flawless) is this: If I’m well prepared for an apocalypse, then I’m well prepared for just about anything. See? Flawless logic.

 Think about it. In my emergency apocalypse kit, I have everything I will probably need to survive an apocalypse but at the same time I also have everything I would need to survive a tornado, earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, volcanic eruption, nuclear winter, drought, blackouts, or dull weekends. By preparing for the apocalypse, which I think we can all agree is a worst case scenario, I’m also preparing for all the still really bad but less than worst case scenarios. Yay me! And just for the record, most of those natural disasters can and have happened in Texas so basically, just living in Texas goes a long way in preparing me for an apocalypse (especially if it’s a really hot apocalypse).

 To answer your other question, no, I’m not in a cult. In fact, I’ve read a lot of books and watched a lot of documentaries about cults so that I can never be tricked or manipulated into being in one. I am prepared not only to survive an apocalypse but also to resist the deceptive lure of a cult. I even have my cult declining statement prepared: “No, thank you. I would not like to be in your cult. But I wish you the best in your future endeavors as long as they don’t involve mass suicide. “ See? I’m totally prepared to not be in a cult.

Wishing you a life filled with lots of candy and imaginary friends,

 Girl on the Contrary

Apparently, I do this now. So, you know, feel free to jump on it and send me your most pressing questions.

18 thoughts on “Prepared For The Apocalypse/Not In A Cult

  1. I have been preparing for the end since I was a teenager. That is now nearly 30 years. Just because it hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it won’t…

    Great post, made me laugh out loud because it reminded me so much of myself!

  2. I am already planning on taking my people to Texas. Maybe. It might be better to go to Canada though if it’s zombies because they freeze in the cold. But if it’s anything besides zombies I’m going to a safe place in Texas. You should totally come with.

  3. You know there is a saying along the lines of “if you think they are out to get you….. They probably are!!! 😉 Will be interested to see if there is any post script here, too funny!

  4. “I’m a prepper, he’s a prepper, she’s a prepper, we’re a prepper, wouldn’t you like to be a prepper too?”……

    I’d dance around in the street while singing that, but I don’t own a 70’s era vest 🙂

    “Prepper” is slang for someone who prepares for possible disasters and emergencies, so that they (hopefully) aren’t all needy and helpless when bad things happen – which they do with annoying regularity. It’s a more friendly sounding term than “Survivalist” and came into vogue after Katrina when everyone (including the Government) realized that making fun of people who took steps to actually take care of themselves instead of relying solely on Government assistance resulted in people suffering greatly when that assistance was late in coming, if it came at all.

    Several years ago you were a foil hat wearing alarmist if you had several days of food and water set aside for emergencies. Now the Red Cross considers that a minimum.

    You could never be in a cult, GotC. Cult members give their hearts, minds, and judgement over to someone else.

    I’m pretty sure I’m on some sort of watch list myself, although I don’t get emails from the watchers. My blog data shows somewhat frequent visits from .gov and .mil visitors – even though I’ve never posted anything remotely menacing. I suppose when you post about guns, disatisfaction with politics, and preparing for the worst that comes with the territory.

    1. Ok, first of all, we need to get you a 70’s era vest STAT! Second of all- I love the term “prepper” and I am all over that! And hey, if being prepared makes me a foil hat wearing alarmist then get me some more foil because I totally embrace that. 🙂 Wow, so the government keeps an eye on you if you write about guns, politics, and preparing for the worst and also keeps an eye on you if you only live part time in reality, eat lots of candy, and can peel a banana with your feet. Good to know. 😉

      1. I think the watchers are just lucky we haven’t yet bumped fists and combined our super powers. Guns + gov’t bitching + prepping + part-time reality + candy gnoshing + peeling ‘nanners with your toes can equal only one thing….


        Yeah…. A wormhole of AWESOME!

  5. Haha. Thank God you included the “mass suicide” clause in your no thank you letter. I hear wishing the Poison Kool Aid good luck is just about as wrong as drinking it!

  6. Ooh I’m glad I caught this post before I have to get to work!

    Ha! If it is the government, I think you’ve answered very well. And I totally agree – I’ve seen way too many shows about cults to be fooled! Although if they lured me in with puppies and Glee DVDs, I might be in trouble…

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