Last night I cut up some chili peppers for a stew I was making. It was super domestic of me and I wish I had been wearing an apron because then I would have basically been June Cleaver and it always seemed like she really knew what life was all about. Had I put on an apron and channeled June Cleaver I bet I never would have seeded the peppers with my bare hands. But I didn’t put on an apron and I did seed the chili peppers with my bare hands. And that was dumb, dumb, dumb, and also dumb.
Chili peppers are just chock full of capsaicin and capsaicin burns the hell out of your skin. Hence, my fingers burned like hell for hours. I tried every remedy the Google machine told me to. I started with cold water and soap. Did not help. Then I tried vaseline. Did not help. Then I tried soaking my fingers in a bowl of milk for 5 minutes. Did not help. Then I tried aloe. Did not help. Then I tried ice. It was very cold, but it did not help. Finally, I just tried to keep my mind off the fact that it felt like my fingerprints were being burned away. One way to keep my mind off the burn was to Google more information about what was making my fingers burn. Information is power y’all. Y0u know what I found out about capsaicin? Apparently capsaicin is used in topical pain relievers. There is even a topical pain reliever called Capsaicin. Um, what? How can something that makes my fingers burn so much and causes me so much pain relieve pain? It makes absolutely no sense. But then I started to think that maybe the thing that makes the least sense actually makes the most sense and that maybe I should try putting capsaicin on my fingers to relieve the pain caused by having capsaicin on my fingers. But of course, I didn’t because that would have caused a wormhole.
And that’s how I saved the world. You’re welcome.