I Saved The World. You’re Welcome.

Chili Peppers

Last night I cut up some chili peppers for a stew I was making. It was super domestic of me and I wish I had been wearing an apron because then I would have basically been June Cleaver and it always seemed like she really knew what life was all about. Had I put on an apron and channeled June Cleaver I bet I never would have seeded the peppers with my bare hands. But I didn’t put on an apron and I did seed the chili peppers with my bare hands. And that was dumb, dumb, dumb, and also dumb.

Chili peppers are just chock full of capsaicin and capsaicin burns the hell out of your skin. Hence, my fingers burned like hell for hours. I tried every remedy the Google machine told me to. I started with cold water and soap. Did not help. Then I tried vaseline. Did not help. Then I tried soaking my fingers in a bowl of milk for 5 minutes. Did not help. Then I tried aloe. Did not help. Then I tried ice. It was very cold, but it did not help. Finally, I just tried to keep my mind off the fact that it felt like my fingerprints were being burned away. One way to keep my mind off the burn was to Google more information about what was making my fingers burn. Information is power y’all. Y0u know what I found out about capsaicin? Apparently capsaicin is used in topical pain relievers. There is even a topical pain reliever called Capsaicin. Um, what? How can something that makes my fingers burn so much and causes me so much pain relieve pain? It makes absolutely no sense. But then I started to think that maybe the thing that makes the least sense actually makes the most sense and that maybe I should try putting capsaicin on my fingers to relieve the pain caused by having capsaicin on my fingers. But of course, I didn’t because that would have caused a wormhole.

And that’s how I saved the world. You’re welcome.

47 thoughts on “I Saved The World. You’re Welcome.

  1. Chillis and contact lenses. It’s like a double-whammy. You forget you have chilli fingers, and take out your contact lenses. Cue searing, screaming pain in your eyes, much like having hot needles stabbed into them.

    Go to bed. Sleep. Erase memory of previous evening.

    Awake. Shower. Sing blissful morning song. Put contact lenses in. Experience searing, screaming pain in your eyes, much like having hot needles stabbed into them. ONLY WORSE, LIKE DAY TWO OF A BEEF CHILLI.

  2. sophie king says:

    This reminded me of when I got chilli in my eye.

    I was having a go at making a sweet chilli jam and the chillis needed to be chopped finely; but I got bored of chopping so decided to use a hand held blender to do it. The instant I put the blender chopper near the bowl of chillis, juice shot up and into the eye. The boyfriend said it looked like I had been shot, the way I doubled over in pain, stepping away from the little red bastards. It then took my boyfriend to hold me down whilst my mom put a saline solution in my eye to make it better.

    I’m laughing about it now but at the time it was real agony

  3. As I was beginning to read my heart started to race thinking, “Did she touch her eyes with those hands??”
    Sooooo glad you didn’t … cause this blog would have been something all together different.
    It would have been something like this ….

    Hwnjfgel;[p Hejdfj;[p!! Hwweiuhllp!!

    No one would have gotten the message!!

  4. I was in the bathroom with my head down the toilet so had the wormhole been created I would have been saved from another day of vomitville. Drat you world saver.

  5. I don’t like spicy stuff, so I didn’t know (until now) that seeds are the hot part. Thank you for saving my fingers in case my tastebuds ever change.

    Way to take one for the team!

  6. We have Capsasin cream in the house for sore muscles too. I can’t comment on the other commenters who explain the physiology behind why it works, I just know it does from personal experience. However, that said, while it feels good on the sore muscles, it doesn’t feel too great on the fingers that apply it. Or on one’s eyes if you don’t wash your hands appropriately after application and before removing one’s contacts. And, sadly, I’m still speaking from personal experience….

  7. Oh no! I’m going to have to get Peppermeister on this! I’m sure there are some tricks… (Side note: someone just sent him THE HOTTEST PEPPER IN THE WORLD – the dreaded ghost pepper! Help me.)

    But thank you for saving the world, because I still haven’t met Second Husband yet (though not for lack of trying this past Saturday!!).

    1. Oh my gosh! I’ve never had a ghost pepper but I’ve always wanted to try it (I have a love for the spicy). Let me know if you try it! Also, I’m sorry you haven’t met second husband yet but I believe it will happen when the time (and lighting) is right.

      1. Okay, Peppermeister is home and he says in the future, immediately wash your hands with dish soap (since capsaicin is an oil), or for really hot peppers, you could even put your hands in bread. If you don’t do it right away though, he says you’re outta luck.

        Right now he’s threatening to put the ghost pepper in the chili he’s making. I LOVE spicy too, but I don’t know if I can handle this! He already knows how easily he could be replaced by Second Husband…maybe he’s trying to kill me.

      2. Hands in bread? Never would of thought of that- many thanks to the Peppermeister. Also, if the chili kills you I will totally call the police on him and avenge your death.

  8. The apron might have helped…. but I’m pretty sure you have to deploy the apron, pearls, and heels simultaneously to fully engaged the June Cleaver Domestic Force-field.

    I could tell you a story about cooking with peppers and a poorly timed trip to the restroom in the middle without washing my hands FIRST…. but it’s not appropriate for all audiences. Also, really painful.

    Thanks for taking one for the team, though. I’m always appreciative of a wormhole free day!

    1. Yikes! I don’t even want to think about how bad that hurt.

      Also, I’ve decided that one of my new missions in life is to prevent wormholes. It’s a noble calling but please don’t call me a hero. 😉

  9. Gilraen says:

    Wash your hands with an oil (olive, sunflower) first then with soap and water. You’ll have no issues.
    Capsacin is used because it burns and makes you blood run. For sore muscles creams it is one of the ingredients. You know the stuff that makes the sore muscle go war? In low doses it makes the skin tingle and that in turn makes that the blood flow will take the work out garbage (that what makes the muscles sore) away from the sore spot.

  10. And to think pepper spray is just a food product, according to that newscaster on FOX.
    I’m surprised the milk didn’t help. Sorry for your pain. But thank you for saving the world.

  11. I’ve been using Capsacin for years.The theory is that it floods the pain sensors in your muscles so much that it overloads them and they stop working. Shuts them down temporarily. Dunno if that’s true but it sure works. Just don’t rub your eyes after applying it. Wear gloves too.

      1. Plus I’m willing to bet my last nickel that June Cleaver never set her hands on chili peppers. Ward and Wally and the Beav didn’t seem like the chiles rellenos type to me. Just sayin’

  12. Haha. Liked this post, though I’m sorry you burned your fingers! I’m envisioning lots of this: *Keyboard finger-peck* “Ow.” *Keyboard finger-peck* “Ow.” *Keyboard finger-peck* “Never. Ow. Again.”

  13. Yes, thank you for not creating a worm hole, although the paradox you’ve just created might have a negative impact on my brain chemistry. God help us all, because I have to work drive thru tonight.

  14. Tammy says:

    FANTASTIC – this exact thing happened to me in the fall – I thought I was gonna die! All night long I tried the remedies – the only thing that helped in the end was going to sleep in a chair with my hands in a bowl of ice water. Yes, very comfortable. Anyway, it was jalapenos that were my undoing.

    Thank you.

    I love your posts.

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