I love history. I also love really terrible television. I don’t know why, but I feel like those two things should be mutually exclusive, however, in my brain they’re not so there you have it. Luckily for me, I found a wonderful way to marry these two loves of mine. It occurred to me whilst having a discussion about Henry VIII- I mean, for reals y’all that guy would have been an ideal guest on the Maury show. You know the one, it has lots of paternity tests and you only watch it late at night while binging on Taco Bell. It’s hilarious. Probably unintentionally. Once I realized how ideal a guest Henry VIII would be on Maury, my imagination sort of went wild. Please enjoy.
Maury: Now Henry, I understand you’re having some women troubles.
Henry: Verily I say I am, Maury.
Maury: Tell me what’s going on.
Henry: I am surrounded by witches and daemons. Women possessed with an intent to hurt and malign my good name.
Maury: You have baby Mama drama?
Henry: Too true sir, too true.
Maury: Tell me about it.
Henry: I was married to a woman I admired very much but she failed to produce a male heir. Clearly, this was a sign of her inferiority as a wife and it became very clear God was cursing us because she was once married to my brother.
Maury: You married your brother’s wife?!
Henry: Indeed. She claimed the marriage was not consummated.
Maury: You mean they never went to sexy-town?
Henry: That is what she claimed, yes. So, I married her but obviously that was against God’s will because she could produce no male heir, so I was forced to divorce her.
Maury: You know it’s the Man who determines the sex of the child, right?
Henry: Heresy! Blaspheme! Burn him, he’s a witch!!!
Maury: Moving along. Was there another reason you wanted to divorce your wife?
Henry: Um….God’s will????
Maury: Is “God’s will” named Anne Boleyn?
Henry: You are a very cunning speaker, sir. I should have you beheaded.
Maury: Like you had Anne beheaded??
Henry: She was creeping out on me, yo! I mean….she hath displayed herself to be unchaste and unfaithful.
Maury: Were you chaste and faithful?
Henry: Off with his head!!
Maury: Yeah, that’s not going to happen. You had a daughter with Anne, yes?
Henry: Indeed. A most beautiful and bright daughter, whom I occasionally chose to alienate.
Maury: Not going to win “Father of the year” are you?
Henry: As King, I can declare myself “Father of the century.”
Maury: Touche. Which one of your many wives came next?
Henry: Sweet and simple Jane who bore me a son.
Maury: How dull.
Henry: Yes, she was.
Maury: And then?
Henry: Then came Anne of Cleves, a most ugly but kind woman who we considered to be our sister.
Maury: You slept with your sister?
Henry: No, we never consummated the marriage. It was annulled but she lived happily ever after in England.
Maury: She was probably your only wife who lived happily ever after.
Henry: Katherine Parr lived quite a happy life after I died.
Maury: Wasn’t there one in between?
Maury: Her name was Katherine Howard, you beheaded her.
Henry: She-who-must-not-be-named deserved it.
Maury: Why is that?
Henry: She was unfaithful?
Maury: So were you.
Henry: Enough you foul jester! You will hang for this impertinence!
Maury: No. I won’t.
Henry: What is this place? Why am I here? Who are you witches???
Maury: Sure, sure, blame this all on witches.
Stay tuned for next week’s episode where Henry is confronted by all his wives!!! There will be tears, yelling, and security will have to break up a fight- but you’ll never guess which two were fighting! Isn’t history thrilling?!