Things My Biographer Will Say About Me

Girl on the Contrary

Obviously, at some point, someone is going to write a biography about me. It will probably be “unauthorized” and it will probably just be me writing about myself under a pseudonym. Anyway, here are some things you can expect to read in that biography.

She listened to too much Beyonce, she thought that she “run the world” and was constantly trying to remind us she was “so hood with this”. This can only be evidence of a severe self-esteem issue.Β 

She ate too many tacos. This clearly reflects her Daddy issues. GotC had the best Dad in the world and that made her so happy she would eat tacos with raucous abandon. She was a happy eater and since she was almost always happy, she ate a lot. Mostly tacos, but sometimes other things as well.Β 

Her deep love for her feminist icons Bette Midler and Margaret Sanger led her to write a song about birth control called “Birth Control Boogie” It failed to chart on Billboard.

It’s weird she liked Anne Boleyn so much.

In retrospect, when people called her “quirky” they should probably have said “delusional”

Her obsession with Titanic when she was 13 was disturbing and macabre on the best of days and should have had her committed on the worst of days.

Her effort to turn her life into a musical failed miserably but she never accepted that and died believing it was a complete success. Again, delusional.

She thought she was a really good dancer. She was average at best.

Her English accent was sub-par.

She had a very strange habit of wearing socks to bed because she loved how it felt when she kicked them off in the middle of the night. Obviously, she had commitment issues.

What will your biographer say about you? Hopefully your biographer is less snarky than mine. She was kind of harsh, no? I mean, sheesh, a lot of people had an obsession with Titanic, and I would like to have seen her bust even one of my stellar dance moves, also, my life turned musical was a roaring succes. So there.

45 thoughts on “Things My Biographer Will Say About Me

  1. hkleczewski says:

    Love your post! It’s hard to imagine what outsiders would think of my sometimes crazy life . . . controlled chaos with exuberance and passion?

  2. A Frog at Large says:

    I blame you for bringing back memories of my Titanic phase. I was 15 when it came out and I blubbed my way through the second half of the movie. Oh the shame.

  3. I’m convinced I won’t be lucky enough to get my own biographer, unless something shocking happens to me in my later years (I win the lotto and become Colombian drug lord…AND I’m not Colombian. BOOM!) But since the liklihood of that is miniscule, I’ll just go ahead and say that omg, I love wearing socks to bed and kicking them off too. Sometimes, I’m in such good sleep, I don’t even know how they were even kicked off to begin with! I just wake up and see them tangled up in my sheets. Just crazy.

  4. Emma Semple says:

    i am beyond happy to find someone else loves Anne Boleyn like I do! I even did my historical research on her at high school. My biographer would probably say “Focuses to much on the small things” Which I guess means I have a great eye for detail! Or am just far too fussy.

  5. I agree with you in that I would be the one to write my own biography and it would start with something like: “Although incredible good-looking and attractive, there are no photos of her so you will have to take my word for it.” πŸ˜‰

  6. DANG girl!! I LOVE THAT PICTURE! You’re gorgeous. And it really does look like what could be the cover of your hilarious memoir. It must be professional! Love love love it. Okay. I’ll move on now, I promise.

    I could have given you a run for your money re: Titanic, and I was 18 when it came out, so that’s just creepy. My biographer is going to have to mention my chipmunk fixation, and I’m just not sure how that’s going to come across.

  7. great post, GotC.

    my biographer will probably say, “at some point or other in david’s life, he suffered virtually every vice known to mankind. (smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, rock and roll), with the sole exception of gambling.” i’ll bet you $100 that’s what he’s say.

    seriously, i have recently finished my first novel and it’s very autobiographical (hey, they say, “write what you know”). now if i can only find an agent.

    so you go, GotC. write that autobiography. i’ll surely buy it and read it, and i can probably guess in advance it will be wonderful. you’re a terrific writer and your posts bring humor and joy into my life on a regular basis. keep it up.

    oh, and btw, this gay man thinks you’re a hottie. great pic.
    david

  8. I’ll buy your book the very minute you release it. And then pester you incessantly until you autograph my copy. So… you might want to go ahead and sign mine before shipping it so that the restraining order doesn’t put a dent in our friendship.

    Tacos = Crunchy Joy. Seriously, is it even possible to eat too many?

    Lookin’ really pretty in the pic, btw.

  9. Loving your post. One thing I know for sure someone would write about me is that I always have my nose in a book – a regualr read nerd! Also, that I love traveling and a great glass of vino – of course do not forget dark chocolate lover!

  10. Please write a book. My new guilty pleasure is reading your blog. Guilty because I am reading it on my smart phone while feeding my baby (i.e. phone is very close to baby). Cell phones are a carcinogen, paper is not (so they say). Thanks πŸ™‚

    1. I’m currently working on a book, but now that I know your babies life is at stake, I will work on finishing it faster. Also, when the book gets published can I count on a quote from you to the effect of “This book saved my babies life.” ? Because I feel like that would really help sales. πŸ˜‰

  11. lol

    I am still fascinated by Titanic!

    I cracked up at the one about socks. I can’t fall asleep with socks on. Maybe my biographer will connect this to abandonment issues.

    Funny post! πŸ˜€

  12. “In retrospect, when people called her ‘quirky’ they should probably have said ‘delusional'”

    One person’s eccentric is another’s psychotic. Besides, everything’s brighter when you are delusional.

  13. hahaha You’re such an inspiration to those who have very high self esteem!

    My alter ego thinks my main ego is too big and keeps putting me down can you believe that? My biographer would probably focus on my “bipolar” “bilingΓΌal” issues πŸ˜‰

    Is that you in the pic? Cuz if so you look great! Merry Christmas =)

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