Spielberg Wins Again

SWA

In an ongoing effort to overcome my admittedly absurd fear of dinosaurs I bought a dinosaur (specifically a stegosaurus) cookie cutter and made dinosaur cookies. Basically, this was my attempt to make dinosaurs ridiculous thereby stripping them of their fear-inducing power over me. Like a cookie based Riddikulus spell. This plan was a two-parter.

Part 1: Make yummy dinosaur cookies.

Part 2: Watch Jurassic Park and see if dinosaurs still scare me.

Dinosaur Cookies
Take that, you non-violent herbivore!

The cookies were delicious and decorating a dinosaur with brightly colored sprinkles and pink icing definitely made it seem less scary but I think choosing an herbivore as my cookie cutter was a mistake. Because really, how much fear did stegosaurus’ really induce pre-sprinkle? Not much. I really should have chosen a T-Rex or Raptor because when I tried to watch Jurassic Park after baking, I found that those two still scare the rhymes-with-spit out of me. I didn’t make it through the movie. Not only did I not make it through the movie, I didn’t even make it through the first hour. The cookies tasted good though and were mighty helpful when I was eating my feelings of shame about not being able to watch a movie that most adults would consider only slightly scarier than Aladdin. (Jafar was really evil y’all, if I had known the term when I was 8, I would say he was a megalomaniac, but I stand by my description of him as a poopy-face.)

Although this little experiment was an overwhelmingly delicious failure, it did inspire me to coin the term SWA, which stands for “Spielberg Wins Again”. And it’s particularly relevant as I ‘ve recently read he’s eager to begin work on the fourth installation of Jurassic Park. SWA.

32 thoughts on “Spielberg Wins Again

  1. shreejacob says:

    I was wondering about that caption…the one that referred to your cookie dinosaur as a herbivore …but hey..one small step for GotC..one..uhmm..well..you get the idea.

    You could try imagining the T rex and Raptors in little teeny tiny yellow polka dot bikinis and sing the song too? Would that help you think?

  2. Hm, I feel the same about zombies, the deadly-disease-that-causes-us-to-eat-humans type of zombie. I had nightmares 5 out of 7 nights a week while I was pregnant, and every one of them was about zombies, and different diseases causing it every time! Zombie cookies will help fix this? if so I probably have get me one of those cookie cutters before I ever plan on having a second baby

  3. You make me feel better about my shark and zombie fears. Just remember, there’s no chance in hell you’ll ever have to fight off a dinosaur attack. I can’t say that about the sharks and zombies.

  4. overseasrose says:

    Girl – I think you’ll find that Stevie always wins! Just look at what he did to a “fun day at the beach”. Ruined. Thanks Jaws.

  5. Ever go on the Dinosaur ride at Disney? I went on it 3 or 4 times thinking it wasn’t that scary, then the 5th time they had fixed a technical problem and one of the dinosaurs that just had stobes on it and sat in a corner now runs at your car on a track and tries to eat your face. I lost it completely. I kept telling my husband that it had never tried to kill me before, what did I do this time? Mr Spielberg is evil.

      1. The souvenir photo features me behind a child. Yup, I went for the toddler as body armour. I’m not ashamed- he smelled like chicken fingers- I know what MeanBarney likes.

  6. Hello Girl on the Contrary 🙂
    I have to say that I just LOVE your blog! The way that you write is just briliant to me. ( I’m sorry about my English, but I’m from Brazil, and, okay I study English for, like, three years, but it’s – still – a little difficult to me )
    What I’m trying to say is: Congratulations! I alreary laughed so much reading what you post here… It just make my day. Kisses: Beta 🙂

    1. I second that! But don’t take my word for it, because I’m full of [eating my] shame and it clouds my ability to think clearly.

      The cookies look VERY tasty; I’m so glad you posted them, even though SWA!

  7. Kuddo’s for your attempt to face and conquer your fears!!

    I read recently that Scientists were very close to recreating Wooly Mammoths and Mastadons using advancements in Gene splicing (which I think is totally cool). Scientists are a scheming, meddling lot though, who are never satisfied… so its only a matter of time before they use that same genetic technology to reintroduce Raptors and T-Rex into the modern world. There are those that will quail and whimper in the face of this threat… and those that will man up (or woman up) and take care of business.

    Don’t be discouraged by failure at your first attempt at preparing to face the reptile menace. I’m thinking maybe your strategy just needs a little tweaking.

    Phase #1 – Watch every movie in the “Land Before Time” animated series. Even the direct to video ones. Watching Littlefoot, Ducky, and Cera froclic around smelling flowers and acting cute will erode your perception of Dinosaurs as creatures that invoke terror.

    Phase #2 – Watch DVD’s of the Barney the Dinosaur kids show for 12 hours straight. This will probably involve the consumption of large quantities of liquor on your part – but stay the course. Result: A burning hatred of dinosaurs, without the paralysing fear.

    Phase #3 – Arm yourself and train in the skills specifically needed to deal with these scaley bastards. Recoilless Rifles are perfect for this, except for the fact that they are cumbersome to move about when engaging a quick and mobile enemy. Also, illegal to own without navigating an assload of federal paperwork.
    (Nevermind how I know this).

    I recommend a diversified armament including a large caliber bolt action rifle for long range heavy hitters at distance, magazine fed patrol rifle in a decent caliber (7.62×39 or better) for medium range engagments, and a tactical high-capacity shotgun with slugs for those “OH SHIZ!” moments.

    I am available for training sessions in the use of the above, at your convenience.

    You supply your own ammo. Also, some snacks would be nice. I’m partial to summer sausage and cheese on those little buttery crackers… but I’ll leave that up to you.

  8. Don’t feel too bad. The raptors and T-rex are indeed pretty scary, and it scared the bejeezuz out of me when I watched that movie the 2nd time, alone, in a darkened theater. But I will have you know that the T-rex saves the day at the end of the first movie. You can now think of T-rex as a hero.
    2nd movie I got the crap scared out of me through one of those “was totally not expecting that” moments halfway through the movie.
    These are all fantastic films. My suggestion, watch it with a group of friends whilst eating dinosaur cookies. Oh, and get yourself some dino-toys too, you know, the cheap plastic ones you can get for a buck. Museums and home study on them should also help, along with reminding yourself of that fact that these creatures are long extinct, and no one has tried to bring them back through genetics or DNA tampering. Even when they weren’t extinct, they were just big animals, only acting on instinct and the need to survive. So you won’t have to worry about them showing up in your kitchen in the middle of the night for Budweiser and Bratwurst. At worst, you may see a mammoth within a few more years, which is pretty interesting. I hear in the news they’re pretty close to achieving this, and a mammoth would be pretty cool to see in today’s time. 😉

    1. Mammoths are cool. I’m completely fine with Mammoths. I think these are all very good suggestions but I’m not sure about watching the movie with friends, I feel like it might be pretty humiliating for me if they witness my crazy in person.

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