Watching Breaking Dawn Was Like Getting Punched In The Brain

Breaking Dawn

This movie was so terrible. SO. TERRIBLE. I don’t even think terrible covers it. When I left the theater I felt like the biggest fool in the world. Why was I there? What possessed me to give that movie a chance? How could I have let such a travesty happen to me? What makes it worse, is I was there with my friend and her brain got punched as well and it’s all my fault. I can’t believe I paid to see that. I will never forgive myself. Ever.

Full disclosure here, I did read all 4 books so I knew what I was in for more or less. Which, really, when you think about it, makes it all the worse that I saw the movie. I knew better! The first 3 books were fine I guess, I’ll admit I was caught up in the romance of them, but when I got the the fourth book everything changed.

Listen- I can suspend my disbelief enough to believe in vampires and werewolves. But under no circumstances am I able to suspend my disbelief so much that I can accept that a vampire who has been dead for over 100 years still has viable sperm. Really? Unacceptable. I’m also unwilling to believe that chewing your baby out of the womb is an acceptable way to deliver a baby. Oh, and just so everyone knows, no matter how innocent they try to make “imprinting” sound- it is still creepy as hell. And honestly, it was even worse on film. Worse and never-ending- this movie is like 2 1/2 hours long. For reals. Shame on me for sitting through it.

Anyway, I’ll probably see the next one too. I clearly need to have my head examined.

67 thoughts on “Watching Breaking Dawn Was Like Getting Punched In The Brain

  1. I didn’t read any of the books. Never really occurred to me to read them. I think Buffy spoiled me for any other vampire paradigms.

    But I did see one of the movies. It was the one right before this one. The name escapes me at the moment. I saw it with my sister, who is older than me and obsessed with the whole series, but none of her friends would go with her. So she bribed me with clothes from Talbot’s, which really isn’t fair because I actually have very little will power when someone offers me free clothes that aren’t, you know, ugly.

    That was more than a year ago. My brain is still bruised.

  2. I’ve read the entire series as well, and I TOO got caught up in Romance. I am going to see the movie because I must know how HOLLYWOOD is going to depict a woman on the verge of turning vampire gives birth AND YES how she is more beautiful as a vampire vs. human?! I just don’t think they can do it. Thank-you for the honest warning though!!

  3. shamscribe says:

    Oh I have to see this movie at the weekend, promised some friends. It’s one of those movies all girls are forced to watch. I don’t want to but you have to watch it to mock it!

  4. sadly, I didn’t read this before I saw the movie. But now that I’ve done both, I have to say — OMG. I’M SO DISTURBED.

    And yes…I’m totally going to see the second one. But, redeeming factor — Lee Pace is in it. I was sorely disappointed he wasn’t in this one. I will see pretty much anything with Lee Pace in it.

  5. Imprint… You’re right. It wasn’t appealing in the book. I don’t think I’ll be changing my mind anytime soon about wanting to watch “Twilight” installments. I watched only the first one and that did it for me. It’s a modern fairy tale. I love fairy tales but this one was just not my type.

  6. Laughed out loud at this post! I was also embarrassed after watching this one. I even kept trying to use the excuse of, “well, I took a 16 year old.” As if that made it okay. Regardless, I know I will go see Part 2. Shameful.

  7. I will watch the movie. and the next one. And likely read the post-quil of crap that will more than likely come out. Why? Because I need to cling to the hope that eventually – they’ll eat Bella Swan. Honestly – all through the books I wanted to hurt her. A lot. And I have a Bella that I love to death. SO that was a mega harsh on my words to life play. Mega.

  8. I have only seen the first two movies and felt the books were much better than the movies. I cannot put my finger on it, but something was missing and did not draw me into the movies like the books – oh well!

  9. My father’s best friend has always had a saying, “It never ceases to amaze me just who’ll buy a six-pack of dumbass.” Now, I used to think he was speaking of beer, only now do I realize the statement is actually about Taylor Lautner. Also, this womb-chewing…are there vampire hospitals to help out? Or does the female vamp just read “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and hire a mid-wife? Does the mother have to nibble the tot out, or is it a job that’s frowned upon if the father doesn’t participate? I’m so confused. Just bring on the zombies. They’re much less maintenance.

  10. One of my friends and I have gone to see every single Twilight movie together, and we eagerly wait for each one to come out. Not because they are good, oh no. Because they are so amazingly bad, so very, very bad. The people watching is fun, trying to beat the Twihards to the punch on over the top sighs is fun, basically the whole horrible scene is fun. I like fun. πŸ™‚

  11. My husband used his man card on this one and refused to take me to see the movie. Which is fine- I read all the books and was over it. The fact that when anyone asked me about the books or films I would lapse into a ‘OMG, so theres like this vampire and like he is sooo sensitive and um OMG…’ speak resembling a 13 year old made me realize that this was a very bad thing. I’ve set my own development back and just need to be removed from society for a bit.

  12. Tee hee. Stephenie Meyer has totally imprinted on you.

    It’s okay. Admitting it is the first step to enjoying it.

    Ooh. Maybe I should come up with a 12-step program for guilty pleasure addicts. Except I think I could get it down to 3 steps. Who has time for 12?

    1. If by imprinting you mean “made me hate her” then yeah, that definitely happened. πŸ˜‰

      I *do* have other guilty pleasures though so it would be really helpful if you could work out those 3 steps.

  13. Amanda says:

    Can we talk about Kristen Stewart for a sec? Why does she always look like she’s in pain? And I swear if she bites her lip one more freaking time…

    But yes, why do we continue to put ourselves through this? And pay? It’s like giving someone twelve dollars to tell me a crappy story for 2 hours, at the end of which they rip your money up in your face and then laugh because they told you that’s what they were going to do.

    Should have seen Happy Feet 2

  14. Just between you and me…. I’ve read all the Twilight Books. Not only did I read them, I actually liked them. Please don’t tell anyone. It’s very embarrassing. I shoot an AK47, for cryin’ out loud.

    In my own defense, I was most of the way through the last book before I realized that the intended audience was teenage girls. Yeah… I can be dense. I saw a news show one morning before leaving for work a couple of years ago that was my first clue. The news segment was about girls (and quite a few disturbingly excited older women) lining up at a shopping mall at 6am to see some of the characters that were making an appearance to promote the first movie premiere.

    I caught the first movie when it went to cable. Only one of the series that I’ve seen. My main problem with the film version was the casting. Whenever I see Robert Pattinson’s moody/pouty expression I’m almost overwhelmed by the urge to punch him really hard in the throat. Also, I was pretty sure for a long time that Kristen Stewart was physically incapable of smiling. Then I saw her smile once and really wished I hadn’t.

    1. Hahahaha! I felt the same way about the first film but idiot that I am continued to see the others. It’s especially ridiculous because though I kind of liked the first few books, after I gave them some more thought, I decided I didn’t really like them at all and that I really hated the last one. I really don’t understand why I do the things I do sometimes….

  15. Gross! I’m glad you put that chewing bit in here, because I kept hearing about this horrible thing, but no one would say what the horrible thing was. I haven’t read or seen any of it, but I’ve been curious.

  16. scream911 says:

    This cracked me up so much! Maybe I’ll go watch it just for a laugh… NOT! Hope your brain makes a quick recovery.

  17. Leif likes to say that the Twilight series is about one girl’s choice between bestiality and necrophilia. Putting it that way does sort of curb one’s interest. Anyway, I suppose my reading tastes are just a bit too refined to enjoy teen romance themes, whether or not they have any basis in reality. But, I have to say, you did spark a certain gruesome curiosity with the line about chewing the baby out of the womb. And I thought an episiotomy was a birth procedure nightmare….

  18. cinderella says:

    On movies of this sort, I kinda make myself “tune out” logic and try not to be too analytical.. Hahaha…Otherwise, I’d get punch on my face too. But I’m going for this movie cos i like Edward πŸ™‚

  19. pinkimagination says:

    Hahaha – did you see my post from the weekend? (http://pinkimagination.wordpress.com/2011/11/19/breaking-dawn-contains-spoilers/)

    I agree 100% with your comments, however, I loved the film regardless. I thought the first 2 films were a bit soppy, but I love Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.

    As for Imprinting, as long as you realise it’s a connection of unconditional love like a mother would have for its child, then it doesn’t sound so creepy. Jacob does say that he will be anything she needs for her whole life – a brother, a friend, a lover – whatever she needs. Although, it is creepy to even contemplate one day becoming this girl’s lover when she’s 5 minutes old… :s

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