I’m Like A More Awkward Less Qualified Ann Landers

Ann Landers

For reasons unknown to me, the great Google oracle has deemed my blog an appropriate place to send people searching for answers to life’s hardest questions. I don’t know what I did to earn this honor but I promise not to let you down Your Googleness! I will endeavor to answer any and all questions you send to me in the way in which you’ve come to expect of me, which I assume is ridiculously. And away we go!

Where does Ryan Gosling live? He lives in a magical place full of wonder and abs where sweet ambrosial nectar flows without pause and the lift scene from Dirty Dancing is recreated time and time again.

Why does Ryan Gosling say Hey Girl? The Gosling says “Hey Girl.” to bring ultimate awareness to your femininity at all times.

Can I get a what what?? You most certainly can. What What!

What does a mime look like? Like a ghost wearing too much make-up.

How do I tell my friend I hate her boyfriend? You don’t. It sucks, I know, but trust me, you really shouldn’t.

Β Why am I getting teen vogue? I don’t know. I get it too even though I never subscribed to it. My best guess is that in an effort to make all woman hate their bodies, ages, and income, they have decided to do mass send outs of teen vogue. They’re cunning like that. And by “they” of course I’m referring to aliens.

What do I say when a girl wants a hug? You don’t say anything, you hug her. Unless you’re uncomfortable, in which case you should offer a high-five instead.

What can you hold in your bra? Depends on how large your bra is. For me, a credit card, a couple of $20s, and my ID. A more endowed lady might also be able to fit a cell phone in there.

How to get more candy when trick or treating? Clever costumes and puppy dog eyes.

Why do I get random hugs from strangers? I just needed a hug, ok?

How do I know if my boyfriend is a douche bag? If you’re asking me, he is.

How to break up with a douche bag? Easy. Here’s your script.

You: Listen, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

End scene. See how easy that was?

Why do people overuse words like hun, darling, babe? You know, I’ve come out really strong against these types of pet names but recently I’ve been wondering Β what’s so wrong with them? In moderation, they’re actually kind of nice. In overuse, they’re still annoying as hell. So, to answer your question, I don’t know.

How awesome am I? If you’re reading my blog you are the epitome of awesome. Because I’m awesome. True story.

How did you get so funny? Awkwardness and a desperate need to be liked that is tempered by an I-Don’t-Give-A-Damn attitude.

I hope the great and powerful Google accepts these answers in the manner they were intended, which is not at all helpful. As a side note, I would just like to express my overwhelming sense of accomplishment that for the last two months the term “douche bag” has sent over 1,000 visits to this blog making it by far my most searched term. I would also like to send a special thank you to whomever searched “You’re divisible by stupid” for giving me my next catch phrase. Cheers!

48 thoughts on “I’m Like A More Awkward Less Qualified Ann Landers

  1. scream911 says:

    I’m inspired to roll out some funny again on my blog! Thank you for being ridiculous and bass-ass and even awkward πŸ˜€

  2. I’m a new-ish reader, so this is my first comment to you! This post is sawesome. You are sawesome. And let me introduce you to the newest adjective on the block: sawesome. It can also be a verb.

    For example:

    Sawesome; adj. The combination of words so and awesome, as to indicate a lazy but powerful and positive reaction.

    ie. Those new kicks are sawesome, I may just have to buy some for myself.

    Sawesome; v. The obscure combination of saw and some with an extra e to indicate the past tense viewing of something.

    ie. I just sawesome geese flying south from Oh, Canada.

    Please feel free to use in future posts… my gift to you. πŸ™‚ Keep up the good work!

  3. hahaha I love all of these. “You’re divisible by stupid.” Awesome! My search terms keep getting dirtier. I mean, to the point where they’re now walking the line between funny and really, really creepy. Maybe I shouldn’t have written about seeing Daniel Radcliffe nude on Broadway…

  4. shreejacob says:

    Thank you! I know I’m awesome now..since I know that you’re awesome πŸ˜‰ I’m still a little miffed that the most serached word that leads people to my blog is “sloth”..but my inner sloth is rejoicing..from the bed..

  5. Hey Girl πŸ˜‰ I LOL’d about the bra storage. I have stored an ID, cash, cell phone AND keys when need be! Wooo me! Oh and BTW, doesn’t matter what anyone thinks you are or even if they like what you say and do as long as YOU are happy and you sure seem to be! YAY you!

  6. lol… “How do I know if my boyfriend is a douche bag? If you’re asking me, he is.”

    SO TRUE! One day I might look at why people go to my blog. But I think I get far less random hits than you πŸ˜‰

  7. Google sends people looking for deviant sex acts to my blog which is awesome on so many levels! Oh Google, your sense of humor is not lost me.
    GotC, thanks for calling me awesome- I need to hear that more frequently. Feel free to tell me more often.
    E.T.

  8. GotC is a powerful oracle (oracle-ess?) sought out by wandering pilgrims of truth from around the globe. They circle your virtual shrine on the web seeking enlightenment…

    Pet Names: Perfectly acceptable between couples. Randomly administered by waitresses is another story. Mrs. Paladin and I were eating out the other night and our waitress must have called me “Sweetie” like 50 times. It was like she had Sweetie-Tourettes or something.

      1. Why are men pi-jays more comfy than ours? I just bought the coolest man pajamas for moi =)

        Why does my cat only like me when I give him food?

        Why do airplanes fly so close to the ground and make such horrible noise?

        Why does food taste better when you’re hungry?

        Shall I get into some semi-deep stuff or just keep it “real” and irrelevant?? πŸ˜€

      2. 1. Because “the man” wants to keep us down and uncomfortable. You go right ahead and buy you some man PJs- damn the man!
        2. It sounds like you’re in an unhealthy relationship if your cat only likes you for food. I suggest trying couples counseling. The love should go both ways.
        3. It’s a government plot to keep people from being too happy.
        4. Because your taste bud and stomach are in cahoots.

        I could do this all day. πŸ˜‰

  9. You didn’t provide an answer to the most important question of all… “Do these jeans make my ass look big?” Men need to learn the correct answer to this question and you’re the one to give it to them. πŸ˜‰

    1. Maybe it was the fact that you included the phrase “Sorry, but…” that made GotC think you meant it in a bad way. Well…. that and the fact that calling someone a big narcissist is generally considered by most normal people to be uncomplimentary. Maybe for clarity in the future you should try adding “no offence intended” at the end?

      See, like this: “You’re a big ol’ smelly scrote, Nishant, no offence intended.”

      If that doesn’t work, try Plan B: Don’t read a blog someone writes about their life, thoughts, and experiences and then take a jab at them because they write about their life, thoughts, and experiences.

      Duh.

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