I’m not really what any reasonable person would call “romantic”. In fact, when it comes to romance, I’m a caveman. A real, knock ’em on the head with a club, drag ’em back to my cave, and never speak to’em kind of gal. I could try and dig into the psychological reasons behind this but I won’t, mostly because I don’t want to. But, I do acknowledge that it’s a bit of a problem, especially in, you know, romantic situations. And I thought admitting that I had a problem would pretty much solve the problem but apparently “Hi. My name is Girl on the Contrary and I’m a caveman when it comes to romance.” doesn’t solve the problem and isn’t an addiction and therefore doesn’t qualify for the 12 steps. So, I’m back to the square root of one.
It’s not that I don’t like romance. I do. I love anything by Jane Austen and I totally cried my heart out in The Notebook. And, I have totally spent countless hours daydreaming about getting my romance on in my own really real life. It’s just, when it’s happening, the only things I can think to say are sarcastic or idiotic. For example, it once took me a 1/2 hour to respond “ditto” to something romantic. That’s 30 minutes. It literally took me 30 minutes to think of “ditto” and that was the most romantic response I could think of. And I’m a writer!
So, I did what any sane non-caveman would do. I googled it. What came up was “50 Very Simple Ways to be Romantic”, to which I thought “Oh good. It’s simple.” and then I saw that the website was called dumblittleman.com and I thought “Yep. This is exactly where I should go to learn to be romantic.” so I read the list. Here are a few of my favorites.
Write “I love you” in the steam on the bathroom mirror after he takes a shower. I’m just going to have to clean the mirror after.
Write a poem. Then use Google Translator to translate a poem into either French or Italian. Then handwrite it out with the translation on the back side. Or better yet, greet your partner at night and read it to them with passion and then hand them the translation. Are you kidding me? Poetry? I might as well write a sonnet while I’m at it.
Make a CD with a few songs that are meaningful to your relationship. Ok. I like that one. But what if he thinks it’s stupid and then dumps me because I make stupid mix CDs? Huh? What then?
Invite him to take a bath complete with bubbles, champagne, candles, and maybe a little Barry White. (the music, not actually Barry White in your tub.) RIP Barry.
Surprise her at work and take her out to lunch, maybe take-out food in the park or maybe to a little diner, for a midday romantic interlude. Wait, eating out is romantic? I do that all the time. If that’s the case, I am the QUEEN of romance.
Put together a little gift on his pillow: chocolate and a note that says “Your love is like chocolate: sweet and delicious.” NO. WAY. Do you think I live in a hotel?
Send a text message or email that says “I love you!” I just heard someone say texts and emails weren’t romantic. Can we get on the same page here people??! Some of us are trying to learn.
Leave a love note in her car telling her to have a great day. Oh. Well, that one’s nice.
Carve your initials in a tree. Maybe you haven’t heard but we are running out of trees. Talk about selfish.
When your partner least expects it, give him a great big kiss, even if it’s in public! I don’t know. Unexpected kisses seem ill-advised. I mean, what if you kiss his teeth? Or he had food in his mouth? Or he burps?
Buy a tree and invite your partner to plant it with you explaining that this tree represents the love between you both that will grow over the years. Oh I get it. It makes up for the tree we defaced earlier.
Say “I love you” often, slowly, and with feeling. I……………………….Looooooooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeee………….Yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu……….
I guess I learned my romance lesson. No more will I say things like “Me Girl on Contrary…you cute….we date…..”