When It Comes To Romance, I’m A Caveman.

Caveman

I’m not really what any reasonable person would call “romantic”. In fact, when it comes to romance, I’m a caveman. A real, knock ’em on the head with a club, drag ’em back to my cave, and never speak to’em kind of gal. I could try and dig into the psychological reasons behind this but I won’t, mostly because I don’t want to. But, I do acknowledge that it’s a bit of a problem, especially in, you know, romantic situations. And I thought admitting that I had a problem would pretty much solve the problem but apparently “Hi. My name is Girl on the Contrary and I’m a caveman when it comes to romance.” doesn’t solve the problem and isn’t an addiction and therefore doesn’t qualify for the 12 steps. So, I’m back to the square root of one.

It’s not that I don’t like romance. I do. I love anything by Jane Austen and I totally cried my heart out in The Notebook. And, I have totally spent countless hours daydreaming about getting my romance on in my own really real life. It’s just, when it’s happening, the only things I can think to say are sarcastic or idiotic. For example, it once took me a 1/2 hour to respond “ditto” to something romantic. That’s 30 minutes. It literally took me 30 minutes to think of “ditto” and that was the most romantic response I could think of. And I’m a writer!

So, I did what any sane non-caveman would do. I googled it. What came up was “50 Very Simple Ways to be Romantic”, to which I thought “Oh good. It’s simple.” and then I saw that the website was called dumblittleman.com and I thought “Yep. This is exactly where I should go to learn to be romantic.”  so I read the list. Here are a few of my favorites.

Write “I love you” in the steam on the bathroom mirror after he takes a shower. I’m just going to have to clean the mirror after.

Write a poem. Then use Google Translator to translate a poem into either French or Italian. Then handwrite it out with the translation on the back side. Or better yet, greet your partner at night and read it to them with passion and then hand them the translation. Are you kidding me? Poetry? I might as well write a sonnet while I’m at it.

Make a CD with a few songs that are meaningful to your relationship. Ok. I like that one. But what if he thinks it’s stupid and then dumps me because I make stupid mix CDs? Huh? What then? 

Invite him to take a bath complete with bubbles, champagne, candles, and maybe a little Barry White. (the music, not actually Barry White in your tub.) RIP Barry. 

Surprise her at work and take her out to lunch, maybe take-out food in the park or maybe to a little diner, for a midday romantic interlude. Wait, eating out is romantic? I do that all the time. If that’s the case, I am the QUEEN of romance. 

Put together a little gift on his pillow: chocolate and a note that says “Your love is like chocolate: sweet and delicious.” NO. WAY. Do you think I live in a hotel? 

Send a text message or email that says “I love you!” I just heard someone say texts and emails weren’t romantic. Can we get on the same page here people??! Some of us are trying to learn. 

Leave a love note in her car telling her to have a great day. Oh. Well, that one’s nice.

Carve your initials in a tree. Maybe you haven’t heard but we are running out of trees. Talk about selfish. 

When your partner least expects it, give him a great big kiss, even if it’s in public! I don’t know. Unexpected kisses seem ill-advised. I mean, what if you kiss his teeth? Or he had food in his mouth? Or he burps?

Buy a tree and invite your partner to plant it with you explaining that this tree represents the love between you both that will grow over the years. Oh I get it. It makes up for the tree we defaced earlier.

Say “I love you” often, slowly, and with feeling. I……………………….Looooooooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeee………….Yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu……….

 

I guess I learned my romance lesson. No more will I say things like “Me Girl on Contrary…you cute….we date…..”

What’s your best romantic advice? Not that I need it….

45 thoughts on “When It Comes To Romance, I’m A Caveman.

  1. Full disclosure here, I’m at work and should probably be doing something other than surfing wordpress, but it’s my boss isn’t here. It’s a good thing I read your blog when I was alone, this post had me laughing. While I do tend to laugh a lot, people generally ignore me when I start laughing unexpectedly. Hmm now that I think about it I probably shouldn’t disclose that. I thought this was cleaver, and a good reminder that sometimes, we’re all a bit lacking when it comes to romance.

  2. Say “I love you” often, slowly, and with feeling. I……………………….Looooooooooooooooovvvvvvvveeeeeeee………….Yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu……….

    WHOA!.. You speak whale???

  3. Oh my god! I’m loving your blog so much. I’m laughing like crazy here and my colleagues are giving me that what’s-gotten-into-her-look. You are so gifted! Keep on writing, I’m looking forward to your posts everyday. That’s a demand! 🙂

  4. Debra Colby-Conklin says:

    Sexy lingerie? Nah, then I get cold and start daydreaming about my thermals.

    Roses thrown on the bed? Just gotta sweep ’em onto the floor and that’s a friggin’ mess.

    Wine and roses? Wine makes me sleepy and again with the roses?

    Jewelry? Great, if I didn’t break out in hives.

    Heck..I got nothing either. Romance takes too much thinking, let’s put in a DVD and just snuggle on the sofa until we fall asleep in one another’s arms. Thats’ my idea of a really great evening!

  5. Okay, my advice is don’t do ANY of these things! Except maybe the car note and the text message. Also, I would never trust an online translator with my [amazing] poetry!!

    I know what you mean though; I think I’m a romantic, but then I usually just wind up laughing when romantic things happen in real life. But funny is sexy….right? (Not that I need any advice either…)

  6. Cuddles!!!! I love cuddles. Not as foreplay..just plain sweet cuddling, and talking..about anything and everything.

    Also..sitting on the couch..together…each reading a good book, with soft music playing..and no talking, there is no need to talk because you are completely comfortable with each other.. sigh……

    Oh wait..did you say you wanted advice for being romantic to find a guy?

    I wouldn’t know..I’ve never had a relationship before. 😛

  7. “Put together a little gift on his pillow: chocolate and a note that says “Your love is like chocolate: sweet and delicious.” ”

    What does it say about me that this idea makes me want to vomit all over said pillow chocolate? I don’t like traditional displays of “romance” and if my boyfriend were to behave that way, it says to me that he doesn’t know who I am, and what the hell is more UNromantic than that??

    The things that make me all gooey inside are things like:
    -if we’re planning a nice quiet dinner and he buys trout because he knows I luuuuhrves it and that I don’t have time to get to the store.
    -he gets the big cushy pillow out when we sit down to watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 because he knows I always – ALWAYS – fall asleep, even sometimes in the middle of laughing.
    -he runs buffer duty between me and my mother.

    Okay, the unexpected notes in books is kinda sweet, as long as it’s not too, too mushy.

    I think ‘romance’ has to look different for every couple. So hey, maybe there’s a caveman out there who goes all googly eyed at the thought of a good, positive ‘ditto’! 🙂

  8. Now I’m going to be imagining a mini-Barry White lounging in a bath all day… I’d love to give you some sage-like, cute and funny advice about being romantic but it seems that I am completely inept in that department as well.

    Right now I’m cynical about love and romance. I’ve always believed though that romance isn’t something you have to force. When you find yourself in love with someone; the romance comes naturally. It’s not always grandiose either; I’ve found in the past that romantic gestures follow their unique course.

    I’m sure that Ryan Gosling will think that everything you do is ultra-romantic. 😉

  9. I’ve often been told this is a quite good one. Replace “he”/”she”/”him”/”his”/”her” as appropriate..

    “While she’s in the shower or taking a bath, throw her towel in the dryer for a few minutes. When she gets out, present her with the toasty towel. It’s sweet and thoughtful; she’ll love you for it.”

  10. My spousal’ and I like to commune together and make fun of other people. For added romance I will lint brush the dog hair off his pillow while eating some chocolate…does that count?

  11. I think romance is about the little things that show you care. Number one, you should always be comfortable being yourself with the other person. After that, I personally don’t need much more than to know that my guy loves me. I don’t want to be told every 5 minutes, cause that’s annoying. But little gestures now and then are nice. I agree with Mrs. P, and I was saying awwww in my head as I read that comment, too.

  12. Ship Happens says:

    You mean there are such things as caveman girrrls? What do you do with them when they are unconscious, handcuff them to the bedframe with only chocolates and chardonnay within reach? What is the background music – Unchained Melody?

    I could very well be your Number 1 fan!!

  13. Tell him he’s hot. It totally works. I tell my husband he’s hot all the time, and in my blog he’s “Hot Joe.” He digs it. He gets all shy and blushes, and he’s an Italian/Irish ex-military. They don’t get all girly.

    Seriously. Tell him, “Damn you’re hot.” Tell me how it works out for you.

  14. I’ve never considered myself “romantic” either, at least not when measured by the yardstick of the tip lists and book experts. Most of those things make me roll my eyes and gag…

    However, I’ve learned that some of things I do out of hand are considered “romantic” by Mrs. Paladin – when I never considered them to be so myself. Usually they are simple things. When we go the to movies and its time to leave, I always step out into the aisle and stop the flow of movie goers coming down the steps and let her out in front of me. Not something I really ever thought about, but one time several years ago she told me she thought that was romantic. Likewise, I step between her and questionable looking people when we are out and about. Not something I consciously do. It just seems natural, and she’s told me she notices that sort of thing and thinks its romantic.

    As for what she does that I find romantic… my favorite is when she takes one of the books that I’m reading and tucks a note between the pages when I’m not there to see her do it, so that I find it after reading beyond the stopping point that I have marked. Its nothing as gagging as a love missive translated into Sanskrit… just usually an “I love you” or just a drawn heart. Still makes me feel good to find it in the middle of my often soul crushing work day.

    I keep every little note she leaves me.

  15. I think I like the caveman approach better. I avoid most romance movies and literature like the plague (with very few exceptions). I guess I’ve just never had anyone get romantic with me and therefore just don’t believe in it anymore. *sigh* I miss the ignorance and bliss of the dreams of my youth.
    Sorry I couldn’t give out any advice. Seems I’m in the same boat as you, so if you see a strange woman dragging a guy by his hair with one hand and a club in the other, it’s probably me.

  16. Put together a little gift on his pillow: chocolate and a note that says “Your love is like chocolate: sweet and delicious.” NO. WAY. Do you think I live in a hotel?

    HAHAHAHA awesome…

    Carve your initials in a tree. Maybe you haven’t heard but we are running out of trees. Talk about selfish.
    Buy a tree and invite your partner to plant it with you explaining that this tree represents the love between you both that will grow over the years. Oh I get it. It makes up for the tree we defaced earlier.

    HAHAHAHHA I……LOOOOVEEEE…. THIIISSSS… POSSSTTT… BESSTTTT …. ONEE… EVERRRRRRRRR..!!!!!!

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