This Is My Brain. This Is My Brain On A Date.

Just Say No

This is my brain on a normal day: Beep bop boop beep. What’s for breakfast? What’s for lunch? What’s for dinner? Music, music, music. Marketing, marketing, marketing. I want a snack. Florence and the Machine. Kings of Leon. I wish my life was a musical comedy. Oh wait, my life is a musical comedy. Daydream, daydream, daydream. Blog, blog, blog. Awkward moment. I wish I had cotton candy. Awkward moment I need to remember to blog about later. Daydream about becoming a well-paid and successful author. Daydream about cotton candy clouds. Imaginary interviews. I want to go to London. I want a snack. Adele. Green tea. Gummy worms. Green tea. Gummi butterflies (yeah it’s a thing). Writing, writing, writing. Awkward moment. Hilarious joke I need to blog about. Jazz hands. Ryan Gosling daydream. Jazz hands.

This is my brain on a date: Sweet mother of Zeus, how did I get on a date? Is this a dream? This is awkward. Why is this so awkward? Am I making this awkward? I’m totally making this awkward. Should I hold his hand? Should he hold my hand? Do I let him pay? Do I offer to pay? I don’t want to pay. Do I have something in my teeth? Oh gross, what if I have something in my teeth? No way is this guy going to like me after this. Why did he ask me out? How did this happen? Ok. OK. Play it cool GotC. Play it cool. Cool boys *snap* *snap* real cool…….stop! This isn’t West Side Story. How great would it be if this was West Side Story?! Wait. Not great because then one of us would die. Oh man. Is he making a move? Nope. No move. Should I make a move? He’s so nice. Why is he so nice? Maybe he doesn’t think this is a date. Oh my heavens! What if he doesn’t think of this as a date? I made up the whole dating scenario in my head didn’t I? I totally did. So humiliated. Wait. He just paid for me. That’s a date, right? Why didn’t reading Goosebumps prepare me for this? C’mon R.L. give a girl some dating advice. Ha. I bet dating advice from R.L. Stine would be brilliant! Did he just compliment me? I don’t know, I was too busy wondering what kind of dating advice R.L. Stine would give. Umm……ok, just smile and nod. I’m an idiot. Smile and nod?! He probably thinks I’m a moron. Tell a joke. Stupid joke. Why did I say that joke? Tell him about your blog so he knows you’re hilarious. No wait! Stop! Don’t tell him about your blog. Abort. Abort. If he reads your blog he’ll know you’re completely mental. Whew. Dodged that bullet. But how to convince him I’m charming and funny? Think of something topical. Nope, too late. Moment has passed. He’s over it. This is a disaster. I’m a disaster. Where is the nearest closet to hide in?

Just say no kids. Just say no.

39 thoughts on “This Is My Brain. This Is My Brain On A Date.

  1. Dates, yeugh, they always get stuck in your teeth don’t they? Never enjoyed dried fruit.. Not too hot with the fresh variety either, but hey ho. Seriously though, don’t ever give yourself a bad time on a date, I ‘ve had a few, being several decades older than you, and I can tell you – a very , very tiny percentage end up being the sort of night you dream of. But a few do. And theres no thinking involved, all hormones and looks and simmering lust. Ten you both get married, a couple of kids , and bob’s your uncle. (Whoops , got carried away there). What you need to be thinking about is Do you like this sample of humanity? Do you like listening to him? Has he got anything to say? That takes the pressure off you ! Good luck, took me 40 years to find my one and only, and I had a few mistakes along the way. Not all bad though.

    1. This is awesome advice! I think you’re absolutely right, I should focus more on what kind of time I’m having and less on how I think I’m beng perceived. Glad you met your one and only- that’s a rare and beautiful thing!

  2. lovethewayyoulied says:

    I’m thinking that on my next date I’m going to try a reboot on my brain and think about what you were thinking so that the crazy nonsense I’m thinking will get confused and I can just enjoy being on a date!
    Why do we have to overthink things so much?

  3. I was just thinking after reading your latest post that you have a major advantage in the dating world – being able to talk sports!! The ‘abort abort’ about the blog cracked me up. I’m always doing that.

    Can I come to London with you?

  4. Hilarious, GotC (that always reminds me of Gotcha! heh heh). I’m quite sure people’s brains work that way, in incomplete sentences and murmuring forays into food, music and, dare we say, romance. There is nothing even remotely similar between romance and a date. Romance is a thing of the mind, dating is a thing of two left feet trying to dance.

    The amazing thing is that the human race continues; therefore dating must, at least once in a while, work.

  5. If I wasn’t married and if I was looking for some girl-on-girl action, I’d totally ask you out on a date. Just to watch your face as all those thoughts go crashing through your mind. πŸ˜‰

    1. I like to think I maintain a sweet look but if I was being honest, I probably take the facial characteristics of a gremlin……

      Also, thanks for making me your alternate-reality dat of choice. πŸ˜‰

  6. 5 will get you 10 that your brain on a date was remarkably similar to *his* brain on the same date. Guys try to seem all cool and “whatever” ‘cuz we’re supposed to… but we’re just as freaked out about dating most of the time as you are. Maybe even more so because we have all that testosterone coursing through our veins.

    I hated dating with the burning hatred of something that burns really hot. Annoying lack of ability to make small talk was a 100 lb anchor around my neck in those days.

  7. Your thought process is profound. I think, historically, the addition of alcohol to the equation helps slow down the over-thinking process. It turns anxious questions into proud assumptions. “Does he like me?” becomes ” I’m so awesome, if he doesn’t like me I don’t care…I could make out with that guy…right over there -”

    “Should I hold his hand?” becomes ” I’m going to put my hand under his shirt and feel his abs now…”

    Maybe, on your next date, show up equipped with a Mantra, which you repeat to yourself all night long: “He’s into me. He’s into me, He’s Soooo into me!”

  8. I have to admit, of all the interesting thoughts here, it’s the “beep bop boop beep” I’m most curious about. Is this proof that you are not actually human, but some sort of sentient, comedy blogging machine? If so, that gives you something TOTALLY interesting to talk about on a date. “So, have you ever dated a cyborg before?”

  9. Lordy, we are all alike. Fabulous. Oh, is it wrong that I should want someone to be as awkward as me? Do you think GotC will hate me writing in the same style as her as a response? Perhaps she’d just like me to faun over her as always. Tell her she’s so funny and that I wish she’d hurry up and get off her ass and get herself an agent. Book not Secret. Maybe I’m being annoying and will get a virtual punch like I always did when I spoke like my sister so she’d like me. She always told me to shut up so I did it even more to annoy her because it was better than crying. Crying was worse.

    Gotc is hilarious. Dating is marginally better than chinese burns.

    1. I love you writing in the same style as me, but mostly just because you gave me credit. And yes, I do need to get off my ass and get a book agent- although I do think it would be pretty cool to have a secret agent in my life as well. And you are so right about dating being only marginally better than chinese burns. I love that comparison!

  10. Hahahaha. I really don’t look forward to being back in the dating scene for just that reason. I totally do not know how to behave on a date anymore. It’s been yeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaars. I’m so used to everything being on a platonic level or merely a professional level that I’m so scared I’m gonna screw up any chance I might even remotely have with a guy simply because I don’t know how to act. Heaven help me. Thanks for sharing so I don’t feel like I’m the only one who thinks the way I do.

    1. I would say “Don’t be scared” but that would be really hypocritical of me so instead I’ll say “Go get ’em tiger!” because it seems like a motivational thing to say. πŸ˜‰

  11. shreejacob says:

    hahaha! aww..I would think like that (sort of) on a date too..just that I haven’t been on dates. (a whole other story). However, that normal nay brain activity, yea..a main dish of day dream for the day for me as well.

    Nice to take a peek at the workings of your brain..would that be the same as the workings of your mind? πŸ˜‰

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