This is my brain on a normal day: Beep bop boop beep. What’s for breakfast? What’s for lunch? What’s for dinner? Music, music, music. Marketing, marketing, marketing. I want a snack. Florence and the Machine. Kings of Leon. I wish my life was a musical comedy. Oh wait, my life is a musical comedy. Daydream, daydream, daydream. Blog, blog, blog. Awkward moment. I wish I had cotton candy. Awkward moment I need to remember to blog about later. Daydream about becoming a well-paid and successful author. Daydream about cotton candy clouds. Imaginary interviews. I want to go to London. I want a snack. Adele. Green tea. Gummy worms. Green tea. Gummi butterflies (yeah it’s a thing). Writing, writing, writing. Awkward moment. Hilarious joke I need to blog about. Jazz hands. Ryan Gosling daydream. Jazz hands.
This is my brain on a date: Sweet mother of Zeus, how did I get on a date? Is this a dream? This is awkward. Why is this so awkward? Am I making this awkward? I’m totally making this awkward. Should I hold his hand? Should he hold my hand? Do I let him pay? Do I offer to pay? I don’t want to pay. Do I have something in my teeth? Oh gross, what if I have something in my teeth? No way is this guy going to like me after this. Why did he ask me out? How did this happen? Ok. OK. Play it cool GotC. Play it cool. Cool boys *snap* *snap* real cool…….stop! This isn’t West Side Story. How great would it be if this was West Side Story?! Wait. Not great because then one of us would die. Oh man. Is he making a move? Nope. No move. Should I make a move? He’s so nice. Why is he so nice? Maybe he doesn’t think this is a date. Oh my heavens! What if he doesn’t think of this as a date? I made up the whole dating scenario in my head didn’t I? I totally did. So humiliated. Wait. He just paid for me. That’s a date, right? Why didn’t reading Goosebumps prepare me for this? C’mon R.L. give a girl some dating advice. Ha. I bet dating advice from R.L. Stine would be brilliant! Did he just compliment me? I don’t know, I was too busy wondering what kind of dating advice R.L. Stine would give. Umm……ok, just smile and nod. I’m an idiot. Smile and nod?! He probably thinks I’m a moron. Tell a joke. Stupid joke. Why did I say that joke? Tell him about your blog so he knows you’re hilarious. No wait! Stop! Don’t tell him about your blog. Abort. Abort. If he reads your blog he’ll know you’re completely mental. Whew. Dodged that bullet. But how to convince him I’m charming and funny? Think of something topical. Nope, too late. Moment has passed. He’s over it. This is a disaster. I’m a disaster. Where is the nearest closet to hide in?
Just say no kids. Just say no.