He’s Just Not That Into You. Or Is He?

He's Just Not That Into You

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the book He’s Just Not That Into You. Or maybe you saw the movie. Or maybe you saw the Sex & The City episode where it all began. If you haven’t heard of the book, seen the movie, or watched the SATC episode, I need to first question your life choices. Next, I need to explain to you what this book is all about. Basically, HJNTIY (abbreviated because it’s annoyingly long and possibly poisonous) is a book written by a man and a woman about how most of the guys you like or are dating or are in a relationship with don’t really like you.

I read this book as soon as it was released. I watched the authors on Oprah. I was a believer. I was liberated by this book. It was like “Hey. It’s good to know up front that you don’t like me so I don’t waste any of my time fretting and shaving my legs. Don’t worry, you don’t have to say you don’t like me. This book already told me you don’t like me.”  And believe it or not, that felt kind of good. For quite some time, I wasn’t concerned with whether or not guys were interested in me because HJNTIY told me they weren’t. If a guy wasn’t calling, texting, making plans with, or making out with me then he just wasn’t that into me. If a guy initially called, texted, made plans with, and made out with me and then failed to do one of those things, even missed one day, it meant he may have been into me but was no longer into me anymore. And I believed that because HJNTIY was on Oprah and therefore the gospel truth. Imagine me wasting all those years thinking guys liked me! How foolish. How childish. Finally, I was freed from that silliness and could now move forward knowing that almost every guy I met/liked would not be into me.

Great. So it made me feel good, until it made me feel like crap. This book had me convinced that none of the guys I liked were into me. Even the ones who probably were. If a guy I was dating didn’t call, text, make plans with, or make out with me, even missed one day, I was over it. I bailed out faster that Wall Street (BOOM economic humor). I didn’t give them a chance because I decided that they didn’t like me. Why did I decide that? Because HJNTIY told me to. Also, there may have been an element of self-preservation in there but I’m really more comfortable blaming outside sources.

For years, this book poisoned my mind against guys and against myself. Even though the book tells you time and time again that you’re beautiful, desirable, and utterly fantabulous it follows up all of those comments by telling you the guy you like doesn’t like you back so…..kind of a mixed message there. Don’t get me wrong, I really do think the heart of this book is in the right place, I just think it would have been much better to say “Hey. Don’t date assholes.” although, that would have been a much shorter book and Oprah probably wouldn’t approve. And sure, yes, if a guy never calls and always bails on you, he is probably not that into you, but if he misses one day then maybe don’t pull out the fried chicken and ice cream just yet, he’s probably still into you. Maybe don’t freak out and preemptively dump him.

And believe me, I totally sympathize with the get out before you get hurt instinct, hell, I would say that’s been the overall theme of my dating history, but some guys are totally worth ignoring that instinct for and conversely some aren’t. I don’t know, use your best judgement not some over-generalized and slightly insulting books. And hey, don’t date assholes.

29 thoughts on “He’s Just Not That Into You. Or Is He?

  1. Great. So it made me feel good, until it made me feel like crap. This book had me convinced that none of the guys I liked were into me. Even the ones who probably were. If a guy I was dating didn’t call, text, make plans with, or make out with me, even missed one day, I was over it. I bailed out faster that Wall Street (BOOM economic humor). I didn’t give them a chance because I decided that they didn’t like me. Why did I decide that? Because HJNTIY told me to. Also, there may have been an element of self-preservation in there but I’m really more comfortable blaming outside sources.

    YOU’RE SO FUNNY.

    I stopped watching romantic comedies and stuff, because I read that it gives you the wrong ideas/expectations. Sucks. People shouldn’t do this. Men are stupid. I love men. They’re so handsome and manly!

  2. I love this post! I’ve been dealing with a lot of guy issues in my life and I constantly worry what a guy may think of me. But guys can be assholes and guys can be gentlemen. I’m thoroughly thankful I didn’t read hjntiy, it probably would have made me a hell of a lot more insecure then I already am right now. Ugh dating..

  3. Love this post.

    And yes, “Don’t Date Assholes” is probably the best advice out there. That whole HJNTIY thing would be a little more helpful if each section came with a “How Big Of An Asshole Does This Behavior Make The Guy?” rating.

    A guy who cheats (or hits) is Grade A Asshole, 100%. Obviously, not someone we should ever, ever, ever date.

    A guy who forgets to call… OK, where’s the chart to assess the damage? Occasionally, or only under extreme stress? Sounds like a mere human to me. Consistently, and in a way that makes you feel unimportant and unvalued? Possible shades of “asshole.”

  4. I like this post a lot. This advice irritates me. There are a ton of women I was “into” when I was single, but that I legitimately was too busy to call and then it was awkward because too much time had passed. There are external circumstances that impact dating, regardless of how “into” the woman you are. It’s silly to dismiss all of them.

  5. I think a book called “Don’t Date Assholes, Dummy” could really help a lot of girls out. It would pretty much only be one page and that one page would just read: “Seriously, stop dating assholes, dummy” 🙂

  6. I saw the movie. Your last five words are spot-on! But the other message that I got was that a person needs to make a decision that I will be calling “informed” based on different actions of the party you’re interested in – including their missing (or not) and acting ass-hole-y. And that it might work out and it might not, especially if the person is an ass-hole.
    Oh wait, I think we agree: maybe they should have written just that in the book! Hahaaa!

  7. Wisdom gained from experience. You’ve earned something more valuable than any book Oprah could ever recommend.

    Too often people read books like this and take them to heart full tilt. It must be the gospel… its in a *book*, for cryin’ out loud! Then a month later another book will come out completely contradicting the first and that will be the new flavor of the month. I imagine that could become exhausting on many different levels.

    I’m not surprised at all that you’ve caught on to this…. its all a part of the funny *and* smart combo.

  8. Hm. I think your advice is better than the advice written in that book. However, in support of the theory that many women are in a much different relationship in their minds than the men they date are in with them, I still think you need at least a guide sheet with some basic bullet points, to help in identifying assholes.

    1. Some of the points in the book are definitely valid and helpful, I like your idea of a bullet point list. Here’s mine.
      *Don’t date assholes
      *Don’t date assholes
      *Don’t date assholes

      I guess that’s why I don’t have a book deal yet….. 😉

  9. So..I searched for the “Like” button but couldn’t find it..I liked this post!!
    Interesting what you said..though I haven’t read the book and I don’t think I will either as I have this naturally occurring affliction that makes me think all guys I *do* like are not into me ..I didn’t need a book to tell me that! ha.ha!

    Completely agree that it has to be from within,..and trust the instinct..and not take the loud voice in your head screaming RUN!! as instincy because it could be as you said “self preservation” ..instincts are usually pretty soft, unless they get fed up with lessons unlearnt and then they throw a brick wall at you. heh!

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