The other night, I decided to face my fears. For reals y’all. The second Jurassic Park happened (or was it all orchestrated by the universe?) to be on television. So, I watched it. That was a stupid, stupid thing. This is why.
Inner Dialogue of GotC during The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Ok, GotC. You can do this. You’re a strong, independent woman. You should NOT be afraid of things that no longer exist. They are extinct. You’re a people and people exist and dinosaurs don’t. People win. People always win. Ok. It’s starting.
What? Jeff Goldblum, what the hell were you thinking going back there? I mean, dude. How about learning your lesson the first time. Whoa. Julianna Moore is in this too? She’s delightful, this movie can’t be that bad. Oh wait. Vince Vaughn…..yeah this might be bad.
The T-Rex is a good parent? Well, that’s kind of sweet. AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! That’s not sweet. Not sweet at all. They ate that guy! Poor guy. Oh man that was gruesome. I knew they liked the way people taste. We can’t let people recreate dinosaurs. They will eat us. They will eat us all. Why am I watching this? So stupid. No. No. I’m ok. I can make it through. Geez T-Rex is hella scary.
Baby raptors???!!! They’re eating that guy. They’re swarming him. (At this point I covered my eyes with a blanket, covered my ears with my hands, and started singing “Jump Jump” by Kris Kross.) Oh man. The water is all bloody. That guy is all kinds of dead. Babies killed him. Even baby dinosaurs are bloody-thirsty. You can’t trust these things for a second.
I hate all this build up. I hate it. All these people are going to die. This is awful. The dinosaurs are just hiding, making the people think they’re safe and then CRUNCH people get eaten. Why would people want to go back to this? Why would they make more than 1 movie like this? Why am I watching this? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
AAAHHH! Watch ou! Watch out Jeff Goldblum!!!
If Julianne Moore dies, I’m writing a very angry letter to Steven Spielberg. I dont’ even care if it makes him hate me more.
Ok. Jeff, Julianne, Vince, and the girl who plays Jeff Goldblum’s daughter are safe. That wasn’t so bad.
Mama T-Rex!!! AAAAGGGHH!! How did she eat all the crew members without getting out of the cargo? Ewww, that guy only has a hand left. Poor sailor. I blame science for his death.
Mama T-Rex just ate a dog. Officially the most evil creature ever. Although, she does just want her baby which is sweet, but once she finds her baby she will teach it to eat people, which is not sweet. Yep. Still firmly anti-dinosaur.
Yep. Baby T-Rex just ate a person. Ugh. So little yet so very scary.
BOOM! Julianne Moore just tranquilized that Mama T-Rex like a pro.
Why weren’t there any nice herbivores in this movie? Weren’t there nice dinos in the first movie? I can’t remember because I had my eyes closed most the time.
Wow. I actually made it through this movie. I mean, I had to close my eyes and cover my ears a few times but overall I’m proud of myself. I totally faced my fears. Yay me!
Then I tried to go to bed. Every sound, every whisper of the wind, convinced me that T-Rex and baby raptors were just outside my door, sniffing me out because Girl on the Contrary delight is their favorite meal. I had maybe, oh, 200 nightmares that night. Yeah. I’m still scare of dinosaurs. Maybe more than ever. Also, Jeff Goldblum a little bit.