I Will Never Face My Fears Again.

The Lost World

The other night, I decided to face my fears. For reals y’all. The second Jurassic Park happened (or was it all orchestrated by the universe?) to be on television. So, I watched it. That was a stupid, stupid thing. This is why.

Inner Dialogue of GotC during The Lost World: Jurassic Park

Ok, GotC. You can do this. You’re a strong, independent woman. You should NOT be afraid of things that no longer exist. They are extinct. You’re a people and people exist and dinosaurs don’t. People win. People always win. Ok. It’s starting. 

What? Jeff Goldblum, what the hell were you thinking going back there? I mean, dude. How about learning your lesson the first time. Whoa. Julianna Moore is in this too? She’s delightful, this movie can’t be that bad. Oh wait. Vince Vaughn…..yeah this might be bad. 

The T-Rex is a good parent? Well, that’s kind of sweet. AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! That’s not sweet. Not sweet at all. They ate that guy! Poor guy. Oh man that was gruesome. I knew they liked the way people taste. We can’t let people recreate dinosaurs. They will eat us. They will eat us all. Why am I watching this? So stupid. No. No. I’m ok. I can make it through. Geez T-Rex is hella scary. 

Baby raptors???!!! They’re eating that guy. They’re swarming him. (At this point I covered my eyes with a blanket, covered my ears with my hands, and started singing “Jump Jump” by Kris Kross.) Oh man. The water is all bloody. That guy is all kinds of dead. Babies killed him. Even baby dinosaurs are bloody-thirsty. You can’t trust these things for a second. 

I hate all this build up. I hate it. All these people are going to die. This is awful. The dinosaurs are just hiding, making the people think they’re safe and then CRUNCH people get eaten. Why would people want to go back to this? Why would they make more than 1 movie like this? Why am I watching this? SO. MANY. QUESTIONS. 

AAAHHH! Watch ou! Watch out Jeff Goldblum!!! 

If Julianne Moore dies, I’m writing a very angry letter to Steven Spielberg. I dont’ even care if it makes him hate me more

Ok. Jeff, Julianne, Vince, and the girl who plays Jeff Goldblum’s daughter are safe. That wasn’t so bad. 

THERE’S MORE??! 

Mama T-Rex!!! AAAAGGGHH!! How did she eat all the crew members without getting out of the cargo? Ewww, that guy only has a hand left. Poor sailor. I blame science for his death. 

Mama T-Rex just ate a dog. Officially the most evil creature ever. Although, she does just want her baby which is sweet, but once she finds her baby she will teach it to eat people, which is not sweet. Yep. Still firmly anti-dinosaur. 

Yep. Baby T-Rex just ate a person. Ugh. So little yet so very scary. 

BOOM! Julianne Moore just tranquilized that Mama T-Rex like a pro. 

Why weren’t there any nice herbivores in this movie? Weren’t there nice dinos in the first movie? I can’t remember because I had my eyes closed most the time.

Wow. I actually made it through this movie. I mean, I had to close my eyes and cover my ears a few times but overall I’m proud of myself. I totally faced my fears. Yay me! 

Then I tried to go to bed. Every sound, every whisper of the wind, convinced me that T-Rex and baby raptors were just outside my door, sniffing me out because Girl on the Contrary delight is their favorite meal. I had maybe, oh, 200 nightmares that night. Yeah. I’m still scare of dinosaurs. Maybe more than ever. Also, Jeff Goldblum a little bit.

18 thoughts on “I Will Never Face My Fears Again.

  1. Ahhh! So good to know I’m not the only one who can’t watch Jurassic Park! No scary movies for me, before or after dark, thanks. And yes, it’s a scary movie, I don’t care what anyone says. Thanks for the oh-so-entertaining blog, I think sometimes you read my mind but just vocalize it much better than I can (is it vocalize if it’s written?).. great job, keep it up 🙂

  2. True confession- I’ve seen the first Jurassic Park 100 times…but I STILL close my eyes everytime Newman from Seinfeld gets eaten. I’ve never seen that one scene of the movie.

    Raptors are scary times.

  3. I take it you were NOT watching this movie on a cell-phone sized screen, propped up at the far side of the room, as advised.

    Your internal dialogue sounds a lot like me watching “Blair Witch Project” in the theatre. Hands over eyes, occasionally hands-over-ears-eyes-closed, muttering “it’s just a movie, it’s just a movie, everything is fine… the director called ‘cut’ and everyone took a break and ate some cheetos…”

    And then I bought nightlights. And slept with them on for the next week.

  4. Dinosaurs are bad. I try to be brave and go on that ride at Disney every time, but I know that one day I will en dup in a back car and they will eat me instead of a stray tourist child. They are just biding their time, waiting for plump me to get a better position for them to take a shot.

  5. Ha! Poor GotC, you need to stick to Nora Ephron. I still remember seeing the first Jurassic Park – I think I was about 11 when it came out? It WAS terrifying! But the final scene of Blaire Witch Project is the one that still keeps me up at night.

  6. + 1 on Jeff Goldblum fear. Ever since I saw “The Fly” that guy has seriously bothered me.

    The only thing I really remember about seeing JP2 is the little scene after they get to the mainland and the T Rex escapes. For a second you see an Animal Control truck arrive, skid to a halt, and then haul butt out of the area once they see the T Rex…. I thought it was funny, because that’s what I do for a living.

    Animal Control, that is, not run away from Dinos (although I *would* totally run away).

  7. I cannot congratulate you enough for your effort, GotC!

    My suggestion would be to focus on the Julianne Moore. *she is very beautiful, and smart, and I bet she’s really fun…* Oh yes, you were saying. No wait, I was…

    Methinks you need to source yourself one of those tranq guns. I’m sure it would be extremely useful.

    Again, kudos to you for braving the dinosaurs!

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