My darling Cappy over at Writer’s Block wrote a post about her first few weeks at college and it made me think of all the shenanigans I got into back in my youthful glory days. That’s right people, I was just full of shenanigans back in the day. Full of ’em I tell ya! Then it hit me like a lightening bolt from Zeus himself- there was one shenanigan I was meant to share with the world! This particular shenanigan started out as a silly way to pass a Wednesday evening and turned into the most genius and relevant experiment to ever occur on a college campus. Ladies and Gents, I give you-
The Great Condom Water Balloon Drop of 2003!
Basically, we bought every type of condom the local Wal-Mart sold (Spoiler alert- condoms are kind of expensive), filled them all up with water, and then took them to one of the campus parking garages. You might be thinking that condoms filled with water are just water balloons. But you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Unwanted pregnancy wrong. Condoms filled with water are condom water balloons. It’s not the same thing at all. So, we took our wagon full of condoms- seriously, there was a wagon involved, we had a LOT of condom water balloons, and went to the nearest parking garage which happened to have four levels. We started at level one and dropped one of every kind off the side. Out of the 10 kinds of condoms we bought (I bet you can’t name them all….) 4 burst on impact with the ground. Those are the condoms we referred to from thereafter as “baby-makers”. You might think that these 4 types were the cheapest and you would be correct, except for one which was one of the most expensive and had the word “magnum” on the packaging which I am pretty sure is a metaphor for something I’ll think of later. Anyway, those 4 types of condoms were eliminated immediately and all the rest of their kind that we had filled up were demoted and used as regular water balloons. That might not seem fair to you guys but we weren’t playing games- casualties were bound to occur. Next, we went to the second level of the parking garage and dropped one of each of the 6 types left. 2 more types of condom were eliminated and these we referred to as “50/50s”- not really worth the risk in this scientists opinion, but it’s your life and I’m not the boss of you (although I totally should be). Next we moved on the the third floor of the garage, at this point, we fully expected every condom water balloon we dropped to burst upon groundular impact. I mean, we were pretty high up and after all, it’s just latex. And, in fact, 3 of the 4 remaining types of condom did burst on groundular impact. But one remained.
One Condom to rule them all, One Condom to find them, One Condom to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Oh man. That quote takes on a completely naughty yet applicable meaning when you replace “ring” with “condom”. J.R.R. Tolkien truly was a genius.
Needless to say, we were shocked. How could it be? Did this condom have some sort of magical powers? Is it possible that it was made of some super secret government material that was indestructible? What in the tarnation was going on?? We even sent one of our scientific comrades down to the ground level to make sure our eyes were not deceiving us and that the condom had indeed remained intact despite it’s being thrown 3 stories down. I will never forget the look of triumph in that brave young scientists eyes when he threw his arm in the air and yelled “Y’all. This rubber must be made out of….rubber. Or something.” Such eloquence. We looked one another in the eyes and knew we had to put this magnificent condom to the ultimate test by throwing it from the fourth floor of the parking garage.
Out of everyone there that night, I had the honor of throwing that brave little condom that could off of the fourth floor. Such a moment. Such a night. I launched that condom water balloon over the side and wished it a whispered “Godspeed”. And you know what? It didn’t break. TRUE STORY. I know, I can hardly believe it either but I was there that night and that condom did not break. Why didn’t it break? I don’t have the answer to that, but I can tell you that my amorously gifted friend always used that kind of condom from that night on and she never once had a pregnancy scare. The brand and type of that condom will live on in college shenanigan history for all eternity. Henceforth when I refer to a condom as a “four story miracle” I will be talking about ———————
Yeah, I’m not going to tell you which one it is. I mean, what if that knowledge prevents the person who will cure all disease from being born? Or, on the contrary, if I do tell you, it might prevent a horrible serial killer from being born. Aaaaagghhhh!!! Curse you great power that comes with great knowledge!!! Curse you!!!!!!!
Anyway, college was fun.