I’m Going To Help You. Because I Care.

DTR

So, I was taking a little looksey into my blog stats the other day (yesterday) and noticed that I had a very large amount of searches around the term “DTR”. Most of those searches were in question form such as “What is a DTR?” and “What should I say in a DTR?” and “Your Mom is a DTR.” I’m going to ignore the last one because I don’t understand what it means. I assume it’s some hip slang the kiddos thought up to confuse teachers so they won’t get in trouble for saying heinous things. For example, when I was in the third grade, I knew a fourth grader who told me that if someone called me “pal” then they weren’t my friend because in the sophisticated and modern world of the fourth grade class, “pal” meant “F-you.” To this day, if someone calls me that, it really hurts my feelings.

But, I’m not here to talk about how kids can be cruel and confusing, I’m here to help you. The internet searchers who came to me for advice and guidance. You came to the right place. This blog is a safe place where the people making fun of you actually care about your well-being. Welcome, friends. I’m giving you an imaginary hug, doesn’t it feel good? I once won a prize for being the world’s best hugger in an imaginary competition I made up and then subsequently had to relinquish my title to because I tested positive for hugging steroids. So…you have a problem. Well, I’m here to help. I imagine you are all teenagers and these DTR questions are stemming from the fact that school has started back up and homecoming dances are fast approaching and all the CW teen dramas are back from hiatus. Again, I want you to know this is a safe place where there is no judgment other than mine and the commenters. Now, I’m going to help you. Because I care.

What is a DTR?

DTR stands for Defining The Relationship. A DTR is a talk you have with someone who you like and may like you back but you’re unsure of what the definition of the relationship is. Like, you’re not sure if you’re in a relationship, talking, hooking up, dating, hanging out, or saving a horse by riding a cowboy. Once upon a time of simplicity, you were either in a relationship or you weren’t. I’m convinced that that time never really existed and that old people just made it up to mess with us. Those silly geese.

Basically, the DTR is the most awkward conversation you will ever have. And you will probably have it lots of times. Here is an example of a DTR.

Girl: So. Ok. We need to talk. 

Guy: Yeah. Sure. Whatevs. 

Girl: What are “we” exactly? I mean, am I your girlfriend? 

Guy: Whoa. Whoa. Settle down there. That seems like a pretty serious thing to say. Wow. I mean. I just don’t. That isn’t. What? 

Girl: Fine. What would you say we are then? 

Guy: You know how I feel about you. 

Girl: No. That’s sort of why I’m asking. 

Guy: Fine. Sure. Ok, well I mean, I *like* you. You’re a really cool girl. I’m just not ready for anything “serious” right now. So I guess we’re just – “us”. 

Girl: You’re so cute. 

Guy: You are. 

Then you make-out and absolutely nothing is resolved. And that kids, is a DTR.

What Should I Say In A DTR?

You should say exactly what I tell you to. Why? Uh, you tell me genius, you’re the one who came to me for advice in the first place. Geez Louise. Just say one of the following.

1. “We need to define our relationship like Webster.” See, it’s funny because of Webster’s Dictionary and jokes always make things better although if her/his name is actually Webster then maybe just put a whoopie cushion under them when they sit down. It will really lighten the mood.

2. “I’m really rich. I will happily pay for all our dates/activities/vacations but only if you’re my boyfriend/girlfriend. What say you?” Even if you’re not rich, they probably won’t know that for a while and anyway, why would you want to date someone who only wanted you for your money? On the other hand, you’re a liar so a gold-digger might be a perfect match for you.

3. “I think we should be in a real-ationship.” That way, they know you want a relationship and also you want it to be real. Clarity is key.

4. “You+Me=Monogamy.” It rhymes. No other explanation needed.

5. “I do/do not want to be in a relationship with you.” I know this sounds really “out there” and “alternative” but I think if they speak the same language as you, they will probably get your point.

You shouldn’t say anything other than these 5 things. Trust me. Or don’t. It’s your choice, but keep in mind that I’m really rich and will pay for all our dates/activities/vacations if you take my advice.

Kids. I know I said I was going to help you because I care, and really, I do, but also it would be nice if you would send me money so that line I used above this one about being rich could be true. Anyway, you’re welcome.

33 thoughts on “I’m Going To Help You. Because I Care.

      1. Depends on the day and the context. Are we talking criminally diabolical evil, smarter than thou and talking over your head evil or just pure raving bitch evil? ‘Cause I can do all three….

  1. I can’t believe I didn’t catch on right away when I’ve been religiously watching MTV’s new show, Awkward, where they had a whole episode centered around DTR. (I love it. Only one more episode left this season, WTF.)

    True story: when my now-husband and I started dating (at 21), 3 weeks in he told me he was falling in love with me. 3 weeks later, I asked if we were boyfriend/girlfriend, and he turned white as a sheet! Really? Really, falling-in-love guy? Luckily, I had the presence of mind to make fun of him for just that, and the rest is his, I mean, her-story. (Yayyyyyy real-ationship wordplay!!)

  2. I can relate to the coffee-through-the-nose thing. Although it was some time ago, being happily married for a number of years, I have indeed had the DTR…a number of times. I just didn’t know it had a name. So now we have had a DTT (defining the term) conversation. It was okay for me. How was it for you? 😛

    1. I want to say something funny but mostly I’m just blinded by jealousy right now. 🙂 I hate starting that conversation so much that I’m more likely to just stop dating a guy instead of having the DTR.

  3. DTR’s are awkward. Depends on what end you are on for sure. i mean… If you are casually dating and what have you, and haven’t really talked the logistics out… well. Awkward. because you don’t know if the other person is in the same space as you, or what they are doing, or what they aren’t doing… and it can get dicey. Especially if you weren’t keen on settling down just yet, and the dating is good, but you have a lot on the go (not just other dates yo, I mean in life). So. DTR = Danger, talk respectfully.

  4. 1. “We need to define our relationship like Webster.”

    My response: “Which one of us is Emmanuel Lewis and which one of us is Alex Karras?”

    I initially referred to Emmanuel Lewis as “the cute little black kid”, because I couldn’t remember his name. When I read it, it sounded racist in my head. I changed it to “cute little African American Kid”….. but then the anti-politically correct part of my brain was forcing me to change Alex Karras to “big hulking Greek American Man” as a protest to me knuckling under to pressure from the happy thought police.

    I punted, and googled the damn kids name.

    BTW, the DTR talk is known to cause grown men to quiver in fear and start looking around for a convenient place to hit the eject button. Not because its bad to know “where you are”, but because it can be hard for cavemen (like me) to grunt out the satisfying responses desired. Even if the feelings are in our hearts.

    1. Your thought process intrigues me. Good call on the punt. 🙂

      As hard as it is for a guy to grunt out their feelings, it’s equally difficult for a girl to broach the subject. Perhaps we should just draw our feelings- then the conversation is a lot more fun because, hey, pretty pictures.

  5. You have it all wrong! I am a medical transcriptionist and DTR means Deep Tendon Reflexes, and it’s part of a neurological exam, so apparently people think you’re a neurologist. Or maybe an ER doctor or just a family practitioner (all the doctors test this). So please update your blog.

  6. In the history of dating has what a guy said in response to “What are ‘we’ exactly?” ever not been something lame and self-serving? Has it ever been a straight answer?

    I know I had my own share of responding with the verbal equivalent of diving through the window and hiding behind a bunch of trash cans.

    1. I don’t know. It would seem guys are lame in this situation, although I have a very good guy friend who once had this conversation with his lady-love and SHE was the one trying to dodge the question. Life is weird.

      1. Heard. I have been said dodger. *hangs head in shame*… in my defense, it was totally not the time to be buckling down with that guy. Nope.

      2. No shame. I think we’ve all been the dodger at one point or another. Instead of suffering through the conversation I sort of just “disappear” from that guys life. My friends tease me about it but really, I’ve developed it into quite the artform. A cowardly artform but an artform nonetheless.

  7. juliaelissagove says:

    I THOUGHT THE LAST POST YOU DID ON THIS SUFFICED. YOU SHOULD JUST RE-POST IT… I AM A STRONG BELIEVER AFTER EXPERIENCING AND THEN READING IN UR BLOG EXACTLY WHAT I EXPERIENCED…. GALS AND GUYS ALIKE IF YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE dtr CONVERSATION… YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL RESERVATIONS AT ALL APPROACHING THE PERSON U FANCY DUE TO THE UTTER CONFIDENCE YOU HAVE IN THAT BEING RECIPROCATED EQUALLY IF NOT MORE. IF THIS IS NOT THE CASE REFER TO GIRLS EARLIER BRILLIANT ADVICE WITHIN THE BLOG TITLED DNR THE DTR : WHICH MEANS DO NOT RESUSCITATE A RELATIONSHIP WHEN HAVING THE DTR CAUSES EXTREME ANXIETY AND / OR ANYTHING BUT EXCITEMENT. ULTIMATELY, THIS CONVERSATION IS MOST LIKELY BEING HAD DURING THE PERIOD IN A RELATIONSHIP WHICH IS COMMONLY REFERRED TO AS THE HONEYMOON STAGE. YOU SHOULD BOTH BE SO EXCITED TO CALL ONE ANOTHER YOUR OWN AND IF ONE PARTY ISN’T THEN DITCH THAT PARTY. THERE WILL BE MANY MORE INVITATIONS TO COME I ASSURE YOU.

    OBVIOUSLY I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THE dtr. PS SORRY FOR THE CAPS NO TONE OR VOLUME INTENDED. I JUST DECIDED ONCE NOTICED IM TOO LAZY TO RE-TYPE TO AVOID AND SKEWED INTERPRETATIONS. LOVE YOU GIRL ON THE C.

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