Fellas, I’m about to lay some epic knowledge on you. This knowledge will change the game when it comes to your romantic conquests. You’re welcome. And by “welcome” I mean, welcome to send me cash and/or original poems written about my awesomeness.
So, I’m out at a bar for my friend’s bachelorette party dancing it up and singing all the lyrics to the stellar 70’s music the band was covering. I was partying like it was 1999 – for real, because much like when I was 14, I was dancing awkwardly and not drinking. Seriously people, try not to be jealous of my life. So, I’m dancing and singing with my lady friends when a cute guy walks up to my friend, puts his arm around her, and offers to buy us all shots. This is a classic move and one that I believe has an 87% success rate. But, we weren’t there to find ourselves a foxy man, we were there to celebrate the fact that one of our dearest friends had found herself a forever man, so, my friend says “If you’re going to buy anyone a shot, you should buy our friend over there a shot, she’s the one getting married.” He smiles politely, says “Sure thing.” and walks away. But he didn’t buy her a shot and by not doing that, he effectively lost his shot with any of the rest of us.
Why? You may be wondering. Or, you may be wondering why. The reason that cute guy lost his shot with all of us is because he ignored one of the fundamental principles of girls my age. And there is really no excuse for it because it’s stated quite clearly in a very popular song: “If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” I like to refer to this principle of dating as The Spice Girls Principle. Gentlemen, learn from this poor fellow- had he actually purchased our friend a shot in honor of her impending marriage, then my friends and I would have been more than happy to allow him to purchase us alcohol and he would have had his pick of the lot of us. Truth. Guys- we ladies like it when you show kindness and respect to our friends. Really. I mean, make it clear that you’re only romantically interested in us, but be friendly with our friends. If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Ya dig?
Zigazig ha. Zigazig ha, indeed.