The other day, I was talking to my friend Mary (Oh! You don’t know Mary? She’s fabulous. You should read her chic and witty sewing blog, and also buy her YA book when it’s published, and also let her heal you because she’s a doctor. All that is true by the way. I told you she was fabulous and since she’s my friend I’m fabulous by extension. That’s math.)….where was I? Somewhere between clever and insane I imagine. Oh! Right. I was telling Mary the other day about how I acted when I was 13 because I like to share lots of stories about myself and am a classic over-sharer. And also because it’s hilarious and I am willing to humiliate myself for a laugh. And I got a laugh. I got several laughs. It’s a testament to our friendship and her fabooshness that Mary is still my friend after learning more about 13 year old Girl on the Contrary. But, it got me to thinking, what if physical time travel isn’t possible but like, internet time travel totally is, and 13 year old me might be able to stumble upon this blog while she is trying to figure out what this interwebs things is really all about in 1998. What would I want to tell her? So, I wrote her a letter.
Dear Girl on the Contrary,
It’s me. Girl on the Contrary. You probably don’t recognize that name yet because you won’t think of it for another 11 years, but you love Alice in Wonderland and so I would like to think you know what’s up. (As a side note, you should use “what’s up” in lots of different ways, not just the way Bugs Bunny uses it like a question but also a joke. Also, stop borrowing your Dad’s shirt with a picture of Bugs Bunny on it and the caption “What’s up Doc?” You and I may think it’s awesome but the rest of the world does not agree).
How are you? You don’t really have to answer that because I already know. There are some things I want to tell you because you/me still like to talk a lot and also still seek attention in bizarre ways. First let me start with this: Your obsession with Titanic is becoming very worrisome to your parents and sister and they think you’re insane. Please stop using your sketch book to draw pictures of ships sinking and dead bodies floating in the water. You’re not being artistic and emotive, you’re being creepy as hell. Also, people would be a lot less creeped out if your obsession was with Leonardo Dicaprio (still making good movies by the way, except you should avoid seeing Gangs of New York because the historical inaccuracy really upsets you). ALL the girls like Leo, people would understand if your obsession was with him. (Back to Leo real quick- how swoon worthy was he in Romeo+Juliet??? Le sigh). What people get creeped out about is that you’re more obsessed with the historical Titanic and the injustice of all those people being locked in steerage to drown because they were poor. And while you are totally right to feel appalled at that, maybe try to tone down the emotions when you’re around other people. Also, as cool as you think it sounds, it really freaks people out when you tell them that in a past life you died on the Titanic. Also, stop trying to pretend that locket you’re wearing was from the Titanic. You know full well it came with your copy of Anne of Green Gables. That’s not even in the same historical context.
Guess what? In the future, girls don’t mind getting bumps in their ponytails. For real. So maybe stop spending all that time freaking out over tiny bumps in your ponytail. Messy hair is in. Be one of the first to embrace it, maybe then you will be quasi-cool. Although, probably not. Maybe just try for awkward girl with good hair. Sticking with the fashion theme- you are wearing too much make-up. Get a tinted moisturizer and please start making use of blush, you look like a sick ghost. Also, Doc Martens are super cool but you really don’t need more than 1 pair of them. Invest the money you’ll save by not buying another 3 pairs of Doc Martens into Apple stock. Trust me. I know you want to invest in Tommy Hilfiger but Apple is the better way to go. Also, stop shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch. Immediately. I’m not kidding. The prices are absurd, you will come to hate the clothes, and it doesn’t matter how hot the guys on the poster are, you should not shop there.
You know that awkwardness you have with guys? Yeah, that never goes away. Just embrace it and maybe start a blog about it sooner so you can make lots of money when people start reading blogs a lot. Write a book about it as well, trust me, you want to do this. Speaking of writing, you’re a writer. Embrace that idea early and it will save you a lot of heartbreak when your acting career (and by career I mean high school productions) doesn’t work out. Yes, you will be cast in every play, but as it turns out, you really don’t want to make a career out of it. Writing, on the other hand, is something you want to make a career out of. Please note that in your journal next to the picture of Orlando Bloom (Married with a baby now, sorry.)
Back to your love life. You will get boyfriends, I promise. Some of them will break your heart a little bit but all of this will make for really good material for your book so don’t sweat it too much. Try to make jokes out of everything instead of writing emo poetry. Emo poetry is lame and your jokes are hilarious- stick to your strengths young Girl on the Contrary, stick to your strengths. Just remember, all the awkwardness of your dating life is going to really pay off for you one day. For reals yo. Also, if you take my advice on Apple stock that will REALLY pay off for you one day.
Also, NYSNC breaks up. Sorry. But Lusty Justy Timberlake goes on to make lots more music so there is a silver lining. He’s also an actor now. BOOM. You’re brain just exploded.
Love you like I love myself!