Kissing and Collaboration

Hi y’all! We (Cappy of Writer’s Block fame and Girl on the Contrary) have decided to collaborate on a blog. We know, we know. The world’s been waiting for this one for a looooong time. We’ve known each other (through the interwebs) for over a year now, and we thought it would be only appropriate to celebrate our anniversary by posting together. So here goes.

Kissing

Kiss

Cappy: The first kiss: it happens to the best of us. And they happen over and over (if you’re lucky…or unlucky, if you’re looking simply for “the one”). Of course, Girl on the Contrary and I were about 97 when we had ours (not together…) since we’re slight flirtation failures, but nevertheless, it happens.

We’re romantics. You can tell by the fact that we wear corsets and walk around knighting people all the time. So we figured we’d talk about what we deem acceptable and unacceptable vis-a-vis first kisses.

Girl on the Contrary: Cappy is being too modest. She was actually 95 when she had her first kiss, she just didn’t want to tell you that for fear you would think she was a “hoochie-mama” (those were her words, not mine, I would never say “hoochie-mama”, I prefer the term amorously gifted. It hasn’t caught on yet.) She was right about one thing, however, I do like to knight people, but only those who have shown themselves to be valorous in some way- like letting me cut in front of them in the grocery store check-out. I’m not really romantic, I just like romance. Anyway, I definintely like kissing so it’s worth discussing, and by worth it, I mean Cappy and I plan to make a lot of money writing about kissing. So, like, really worth it.

The Place

GOOD

Cappy: On a balcony. So Rom & Jul.
In a wheat field during a sunset…but hey, don’t wear shorts, or severe chafing will ensue and your kiss scenario will be demoted to the bad section of this list.
On a sailboat…during a sunset? Don’t lean against a sail or anything though. Don’t want to lose your balance and get eaten by a shark! That’s not romantic.
On an albatross. Because, really, it’s bloody well magestic.
In a hot air balloon. Just don’t hit a plane or something. We’re not sure it’s possible, but it would be just our luck.

GotC: In a closet. As I understand it, when two people go into a closet together, it turns into Heaven for like 7 minutes. Also, beaches. Also, also, my living room couch. It’s so simple yet so perfect.

BAD

Cappy: A field just as a crop duster passes overhead.
An albatross that really needs to potty.
A balcony…because, really…do we WANT to compare ourselves to Rom and Jul? They. Died. And it wasn’t just like a little, painless death. Their deaths were filled with poison, heartbreak, and stab wounds. I blame the friar.

GotC: I agree, it was totally the friar’s fault. Also, cars. It’s super awkward and there are arm rests and seat belts to deal with. Also, also, under bleachers at any sporting events. Steer clear of under the bleachers because before you know it, other kids will be calling you “amorously gifted.”

The Mood

GOOD

Cappy: Dark-ish. Because he might not be that cute. And you don’t necessarily want to see his fish face looming in on you and then you all of a sudden think, “WHAT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?!” But then maybe that’s what you SHOULD think, and you’d better think it fast before he starts ripping your clothes off.

GotC: If Clueless taught me anything, it taught me that lighting it crucial. Florescent lighting is not flattering on anyone so avoid places with florescent lighting. Dusk is nice. So is twilight. I’m pretty sure those two are the same thing.

BAD 

Cappy: Totally dark. You don’t want any wandering hand action to be happening…unless, you know, you DO want wandering hand action. But at this point we’re only talking about the first kiss, not the first grope.

GOTC: Too bright. You don’t want to see too much, trust me on that.

The Caress

Cappy: If he grabs your head and locks it in, we have a problem. But if he touches your face, whispers something nice, says you’re pretty when your eyes are closed, etc…well, actually, he’s probably just Edward Cullen and you should get your holy water out. The caressing should be nice, but really, no matter what he does, it’ll seem kinda dumb when you say it out loud.

GotC: Ah, the caress. Super sappy, super romantic, super necessary. A touch of the face, a holding of the hand, when he pushes your hair behind your ear……..I’m going to stop now because I think you get it and if you don’t, you need to watch some movie adaptations of Jane Austen novels, they usually get it right in the sweet caresses department.

The Whole Package

Cappy: You should feel nice afterward, and your tonsils should remain intact, thank you very much.
And that, my friends, is kissing advice from two foxy ladies who just like to keep it real. You like us. Admit it. Actually, don’t admit it, just show your love with a little smoochin’.

GotC: You should be smiling, and every time you think about it afterward, you should smile. And if you’re not smiling or don’t ever think of it again, it wasn’t done properly. Also, according to conventional wisdom, unlike us, you’re not supposed to talk about it.

So there you have it. We’ve tested all these scenarios out, so they’re like, totally scientific and everything. Just listen to us and we promise, you’ll have a lotta luck in love. Meow.

—–FIN—–

People-We need to talk about Cappy. I love her. I love her the way an anonymous humor blogger loves another anonymous humor blogger. Part of my love is fueled by the fact that she was one of the first to read this blog, and another part is fueled by the fact that she says really nice and flattering things about me, and still another part is fueled by the fact that I’m really jealous that her name is Cappy. But mostly, I just love her because she is funny as hell and has a great voice. You should be reading her blog. For real y’all. Cappy is the bees knees and you need to get hip to her jive.

What say you? Any kissing tips we missed (and that won’t get my blog flagged as inappropriate…..)

34 thoughts on “Kissing and Collaboration

  1. lifepostchennai says:

    Superb post GotC! I read it while traveling with my office colleagues and I had a hard time controlling myself from smiling &/Laughing! Atta Girl! btw..from the other post of urs—Hope that Irish Guy thing is working out well! Fingers Crossed for you 😉 🙂

  2. Great team effort! I vote for more collaborations in the future.

    The only thing I can add is strictly from a guy’s perspective – and more specifically my own personal perspective. What the hell is the deal with oral piercings?? I’m talking about lip and tongue rings, studs, spikes, concertina wire, etc. Maybe I’m in the minority here, and it wasn’t an issue way back in the pre-marriage stone age when I was smooching gals other than my Wife, but whenever I see an attractive woman with metal clanking around the potential kissing grounds I can’t help but think it would be like kissing the tools my dentist used when I had to have a tooth extracted.

    From the viewpoint of a kisser: Kissable lips should be inviting. Not menacing.

    Ya’ll did a great job covering the do’s and don’ts from a Woman’s perspective. This stuff can be really complicated, though. Lots of subtle variations in techniques described. Many areas fraught with danger for the nervous guy trying to do it right the first time…. If only there were some way the individual steps could be illustrated visually. It seems like something could be done to clearly show the dead-on right way to perform the first kiss, so that the perceptionally challenged among us can actually see the light?? Whatever could that be?…

    Hey, I know! In the interest of science and education maybe you and Cappy could produce an instruction video where you go over the steps in careful detail. With demonstrations. Of kissing. Each other. Slowly.

    It would be very scientifical.

  3. Cappy & Contrary, funny as hell,

    a little swing tag I think… worthy of being attached to you BOTH, or would you prefer a rosette? not saying you are horses, and are good at dressage (are you?) (I love it when they do the sideways thing..like crabs..and drunks..cept..I don’t like drunks…I don’t think they make good kissers..the alcohol makes their lips too flacid, and if you deliver a first rate snog they are unable to remember it the next day).

    I think a little preparatory advice is needed. Let’s talk FLOSSING. Romantic no…. not in the act of acutal flossing, BUT an important consideration for the ablutions necessary pre-engagement of the orbicularis oris.

    Also…health and safety…remove chewing gum before act as it could be a choking hazard.

    Darn, I think I’ve just taken all the romance out of it! But it’s important…if I can save just 1 life…but then, if I’ve drained the warm and fuzzies out of the moment and the kiss doesn’t happen then it may not get to the 5th stage and babies might not be created.

    Sorry Cappy & GoTC…pretend I never mentioned it.

  4. Craig says:

    Wait… what?… It’s hard to stay focused when two awesome women talk about kissing. You should totally weaponize this; so if a person were about to be mugged in a dark parking garage they can press a button and the mugger would hear the conversation of two awesome women talking about kissing. The mugger would completely lose focus, drop their knife and everyone would be safe and sound. And, you would be a millionaire! Not to mention “savior of the world”. 😉

  5. awww kissing done properly is soooooooo romantic…
    and we are starving for some romance world!!

    you know what’s not romantic at all, kissing a guy who can’t retain his saliva in his mouth (grose true story) bluarggg (still dating him tho) please don’t judge or do haha watever 😀

  6. Girls dig the lozenge-swap, right? Yeah, they do.

    Weirdest kiss (not our literal first kiss, but in the first batch, if you know what I mean) I had was with this girl who said she knew this really cool kissing technique. I was intrigued (who wouldn’t be?). It consisted of sucking on my tongue like it was a drinking straw. My lips weren’t even involved. My reaction was along the lines of, “Wow. Well. Golly. How about that? That was… golly. You know what’s also erotic? Not kissing.”

  7. BAD: When he does not understand about the difference between /caress/ and /grope/. Dude, seriously. It’s a first kiss, not a license to grope. And PS, even if it weren’t a first kiss… if what you’re doing is coming across as “groping,” you’re doing it wrong.

  8. It is so sad cars made the bad list. They used to be the make out place of choice. Although, also sad is that the day of the bench seat is gone. On the other hand, if you’re Charlie Sheen and Kristy Swanson the bucket seats of a red BMW sports car is no hindrance. Even at high speeds. Being pursued by half the state of California and being shot at. Good movie. Creative uses of candy. Gotta have my Butterfinger. So I suppose after that any homegrown make out scene pales in comparison.

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