Interviews With Celebrities: Alan Alda

So, it ought to be clear by now that I’m a pretty big deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that celebrities are clamoring to be interviewed by me in an effort to stay relevant to and win the public’s affection. It’s no surprise they turn to me, in fact, I’ve been suspecting something like this was going to happen for a long time. And it has. Some of the biggest names in celebrities are having their people call my people 10-25 times a day begging me to interview them. I was reluctant at first, I mean, I’m an artist. I’m not just some blogger everyone adores that they can use to make themselves more likable. I’m a blogger everyone adores that has integrity. But, I also have a huge heart and some of these celebrity’s pleas were just so poignant and longing, I couldn’t rebuke them.  So, I acquiesced on one condition: I will interview the celebrities but only in my imagination. I will not speak to them but rather, let my muse inspire me to speak for them. (As a special note, my muse is gummi worms and green tea) So, the celebrities interviewed in this special feature never spoke to me. Not ever. Rather, my imagination is speaking for them, which, I think we can all agree, is better.

Alan Alda
His eyes pierce my soul.

This week, I imaginary interviewed the love of my life, Alan Alda.

GotC: How are you today Mr. Alda?

Alan Alda: Please, call me Alan. 

GotC: Can I call you sugarbear? 

Alan Alda: That makes me uncomfortable. 

GotC: In a good way?

Alan Alda: When is uncomfortable good? 

GotC: Like when you’re being confronted by your family in an intervention. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s for your own good. 

Alan Alda: Being called sugarbear is for my own good?

GotC: I think we both know it is. 

Alan Alda: Let’s just stick with Alan. 

GotC: Face your fears sugarbear!

Alan Alda: Ask a question or I will have security escort you out. 

GotC: Agree to disagree. Ok, who is your favorite Hogwarts professor? 

Alan Alda: Is that a Harry Potter question? 

GotC: The world wants to know!

Alan Alda: I have no clue. I haven’t read those books. 

GotC: I’ll just put you down for Professor McGonagall. Good choice! Follow- up question, what’s your favorite spell?

Alan Alda: Right now….I would say the one that kills people. 

GotC: I know you said that to disuade me from my love for you, but I happen to have a thing for bad boys. (wink)

Alan Alda: Dear God- please give me a heart attack so I don’t have to talk to this crazy person anymore. 

GotC: Dear God- please make Alan Alda love me. See, sugarbear? Two can play the prayer game- if you don’t have a heart attack in the next 2 minutes, it’s proof God wants you to love me. 

Alan Alda: I’m married. 

GotC: I’m patient. 

Alan Alda: You’re disturbed. 

GotC: You love it. 

Alan Alda: Actually….I….do….I think you’re prayer is working!

GotC: Huzzah! Oh happy day!!!! 

Alan Alda: Sike. Please leave my presence immediately. 

GotC: And Ieeeeeeiiiiiii will always love youooooooooooo, will alllllways love youooooooo—oooooooo—-ooooo. (Whitney Houston style). 

You might be wondering why, even in my own imagination, Alan Alda rejects me. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t censor my imagination and this is how it wanted to write this interview. On a psychological level, I think this is my subconscious recognizing that Alan Alda is unattainable to me and trying to let me down easy via imaginary conversations as opposed to actual real life ones where I leave the room sobbing instead of singing one of Whitney Houston’s greatest hits. Because, I think we can all agree, that in the above interview, I was clearly the winner.

Now taking suggestions for next weeks imaginary celebrity interview….

28 thoughts on “Interviews With Celebrities: Alan Alda

  1. I love Alan Alda, too! Great interview, by the way. You might have gotten a little more info by laying off the sugarbear, but I can see where you just have to do it. Have a good one!

  2. I’ve been cajoled into being interviewed on TV twice in my life. I did OK. By “OK”, I mean I didn’t pick my nose or scratch myself or anything while the camera was rolling. The experience was incredibly awkward for someone like me who has spent their life trying to keep a pretty low profile.

    If I ever do anything that makes me truly famous (or infamous, for that matter) and have the press beating down my door for an interview, I will grant one interview with one interviewer ONLY: GotC.

    I would be far more interesting in your imagination that I am in person and it has the added benefit of not even requiring me to be there for the whole process. Double Win.

    Now… the $50,000 question: Picture caption = “His eyes pierce my soul.” Mash character name = “Hawkeye Pierce”….. Coincidence, or subtle stroke of genius?

  3. Did I ever tell you, Ms. GotC, that I once danced with Lieutenant Henry Blake? No joke. He was at a county fair/concert when I was little and invited kids up on stage to dance with him. MASH is my grandma’s favorite show, and I’m pretty sure she considered elbowing me out of the way…
    ANYWAY–you know me (sort of), I danced with Henry Blake (okay, with a dozen other kids), he worked with Mr. Alda…You’re PRACTICALLY best friends! An interview format would be far too formal! A rejection from the good doctor–unthinkable! 🙂

    1. You are so lucky! I cried like crazy when Henry Blake’s plane went down.

      I’m so glad to know that Alan Alda and I are practically best friends! You’re right- there is no way he would reject me now!!! Thanks!

  4. Craig says:

    I’m surprised that Alan Alda wasn’t honored to have a crazy stalker pull him into her imagination. I wonder if he’s wearing some voodoo hex necklace now to prevent that from happening again.

    I vote for Dr. Teeth next.

  5. Alan Alda does have something special, doesn’t he? It must be a sugarbear thing.

    I would greatly appreciate it if you would interview someone British next. I really want to see what your imagination does with the accent. Please be sure to throw in lots of Southern sayings to confuse him/her (and quite possibly me).

      1. You could go straight to JK Rowling herself. Or anyone with the title Dame. Or Russell Brand! I think a peice of him already lives in everyone’s imagination. In fact, he might not even exist.

        Or, we could think outside the box. I mean, do they have to be alive?

  6. Serenely Rapt says:

    Hey…! I saw him first…!!!

    Oh and about the other, what about interviewing people who might become celebrities..?! That’s taking imagination to the second level I know, but I think you can manage it.

    Er… I don’t mind participating if you like.

    Yeah, I am very kind. It’s alright… you don’t need to cry so much you know..! There there….!!

    Dagny

  7. consider yourself lucky. alan was nicer to you than he was to me in my imaginary celebrity interview. he actually called security to escort me out, and as i was being removed he screamed after me, “my career was bigger than that goddam tv show, mash. i’m a genuine actor!” he gets touchy, sometimes.
    maybe you should have offered him some of the gummi bears.

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