So, it ought to be clear by now that I’m a pretty big deal. Such a big deal, in fact, that celebrities are clamoring to be interviewed by me in an effort to stay relevant to and win the public’s affection. It’s no surprise they turn to me, in fact, I’ve been suspecting something like this was going to happen for a long time. And it has. Some of the biggest names in celebrities are having their people call my people 10-25 times a day begging me to interview them. I was reluctant at first, I mean, I’m an artist. I’m not just some blogger everyone adores that they can use to make themselves more likable. I’m a blogger everyone adores that has integrity. But, I also have a huge heart and some of these celebrity’s pleas were just so poignant and longing, I couldn’t rebuke them. So, I acquiesced on one condition: I will interview the celebrities but only in my imagination. I will not speak to them but rather, let my muse inspire me to speak for them. (As a special note, my muse is gummi worms and green tea) So, the celebrities interviewed in this special feature never spoke to me. Not ever. Rather, my imagination is speaking for them, which, I think we can all agree, is better.
This week, I imaginary interviewed the love of my life, Alan Alda.
GotC: How are you today Mr. Alda?
Alan Alda: Please, call me Alan.
GotC: Can I call you sugarbear?
Alan Alda: That makes me uncomfortable.
GotC: In a good way?
Alan Alda: When is uncomfortable good?
GotC: Like when you’re being confronted by your family in an intervention. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s for your own good.
Alan Alda: Being called sugarbear is for my own good?
GotC: I think we both know it is.
Alan Alda: Let’s just stick with Alan.
GotC: Face your fears sugarbear!
Alan Alda: Ask a question or I will have security escort you out.
GotC: Agree to disagree. Ok, who is your favorite Hogwarts professor?
Alan Alda: Is that a Harry Potter question?
GotC: The world wants to know!
Alan Alda: I have no clue. I haven’t read those books.
GotC: I’ll just put you down for Professor McGonagall. Good choice! Follow- up question, what’s your favorite spell?
Alan Alda: Right now….I would say the one that kills people.
GotC: I know you said that to disuade me from my love for you, but I happen to have a thing for bad boys. (wink)
Alan Alda: Dear God- please give me a heart attack so I don’t have to talk to this crazy person anymore.
GotC: Dear God- please make Alan Alda love me. See, sugarbear? Two can play the prayer game- if you don’t have a heart attack in the next 2 minutes, it’s proof God wants you to love me.
Alan Alda: I’m married.
GotC: I’m patient.
Alan Alda: You’re disturbed.
GotC: You love it.
Alan Alda: Actually….I….do….I think you’re prayer is working!
GotC: Huzzah! Oh happy day!!!!
Alan Alda: Sike. Please leave my presence immediately.
GotC: And Ieeeeeeiiiiiii will always love youooooooooooo, will alllllways love youooooooo—oooooooo—-ooooo. (Whitney Houston style).
You might be wondering why, even in my own imagination, Alan Alda rejects me. I don’t know. I really don’t know. I don’t censor my imagination and this is how it wanted to write this interview. On a psychological level, I think this is my subconscious recognizing that Alan Alda is unattainable to me and trying to let me down easy via imaginary conversations as opposed to actual real life ones where I leave the room sobbing instead of singing one of Whitney Houston’s greatest hits. Because, I think we can all agree, that in the above interview, I was clearly the winner.
Now taking suggestions for next weeks imaginary celebrity interview….