Lies I Told My Boyfriend

Pinocchio

I heard that confession is good for the soul and I also heard that liar’s pants catch on fire, so, in the interest of my soul and my pants, I have some confessing to do. I wasn’t always completely honest in some of my past relationships- to spell it out for you I L-I-E-D. And I need to clear my conscious and admit those lies and I figure the best place to do that is the interweb because it reaches most people and robots. Please don’t think too poorly of me after this, when I told these lies I was young and immature, as opposed to now, when I’m old and immature.

Lie. “I’m not really that hungry, I’ll just have a salad.”

Truth. I was starving. My stomach was literally eating itself, but I didn’t want him to think I was a fatty fatty fat fat. Also, afterwards, I went home and ate like 3 boxes of bagel bites.

Lie. “Seriously, you don’t have to call me everyday. I’m not one of those girls.”

Truth. I was super pissed when he didn’t call me everyday. And I was well aware even then that the fact that I was mad at him was completely mental.

Lie. “Your friends of soooo funny. I really like them.”

Truth. Didn’t like one of them even a little bit.

Lie. “It’s so sweet when you call me “baby”. ”

Truth. Hate it. Hate it so much it makes every muscle in my body tense up when I hear it as if I am preparing for battle.

Lie. “You should totally start a band. You would be brilliant in a band.”

Truth. That kid didn’t have an ounce of musical talent or taste in his body.

Lie. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.”

Truth. Oh, something was wrong and I was definitely not fine. Poor kid, he didn’t have a chance.

Lie. “You’re right! This is an epic song.”

Truth. An epic tragedy and a musical affront to all mankind.

Wow. If I had a talking cricket (let’s call him Jiminy) who steered me in the right direction, he would be really proud right now. Also, I wouldn’t have to be a puppet anymore and it didn’t even require me surviving being swallowed by an ill-tempered whale while trying to find my Papa Gepeto. Oh happy day!

Also, I owe an apology to all those boyfriends past. Sorry guys! The truth is, I was always hungry, I wanted you to call, I didn’t like your friends, I don’t like being called baby, your band would have been terrible, I was mad as hell, and I think you have awful taste in music. But on the bright side, considering what I just told you, aren’t you glad we broke up? Silver lining fellas, silver lining.

50 thoughts on “Lies I Told My Boyfriend

  1. You mean you’re supposed to lie to catch a guy???? No wonder it took me so long to get married. πŸ˜›

    Hilarious stuff, GOTC. I was referred to this post by another funny writer, Tinkerbelle86. I’m subscribing!

    P.S. Your “Like” button’s still broken.

    1. Thanks so much! I can’t figure out what’s wrong with the “like” button…..I keep getting emails saying someone clicked “like” but then I get comments saying it doesn’t work. I’m calling shenanigans on wordpress…..

  2. THe LIKE button is broken. I’ve told all those lies at one point or another – except with my husband. I took a chance and let him see me eat, cry when I was sad, swear when I was pissed pretty much spoke my mind. He liked me anyway, so 32 years later we are still, like it or not, telling each other the truth. Sometimes it just ain’t pretty, though.

  3. Lie. β€œI’m not really that hungry, I’ll just have a salad.”

    I could never ever, ever, ever, ever lie about food. I love to eat so anyone who likes me must like my fat pants also.

    1. Yeah, now that I’ve grown-up a little bit, I’m more likely to say “Umm, are you going to finish that?” after I’ve already eaten every bit of my enormous dinner. Then, I ask for dessert.

  4. I’m extremely familiar with this phenomenon.

    I’ve come to think of these little white lies as more of a special language, of sorts. Its the language that women use to communicate with their men. Problem is, most men aren’t fluent enough in the language to understand it all the time… at least not without considerable practice.

    It really should have a name, this special language. “Boyfriendish”, perhaps, or maybe “Confusedian”?… I don’t know. Still working on it.

    After 23 years of marriage, I’ve become fluent enough to avoid being tripped up most of the time. Maybe someday Apple will develop an App that can translate on the fly. A Guy could hold up his iphone in front of his Gal while she’s talking and little subtitles could appear beneath her face on the screen.

    On the whole, I chalk all this up to another of the wonderful secrets that make Women such wonderful mysteries to by figured out. As frustrating as it can be for a guy at times, I wouldn’t change a damned thing.

  5. Those are pretty harmless. What is hard is being that new in a relatoinship and not knowing that 14 years down the road your other half will regale all who will listen on your simple bait and switch tactic… “She hated diamonds, thought killing flowers was stupid, allergic to chocolate, and didn’t want kids. So of course I married her!!”… boy I got him. haha *flickes cricket*… πŸ˜‰

  6. To be fair, any man who takes “Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine” at face value is a complete idiot. That’s standard code for “I am upset. Commence figuring out why, understanding that the longer it takes the more upset I will be.”

  7. I’ve never quite understood the whole pants on fire saying. Lying causes one’s pants to spontaneously combust? Has that ever happened? Does it apply only to pants specifically, or any sort of lower garment? If you tell a lie and you’re wearing a skirt, does your skirt go up in flames? What about shorts? So many questions!

  8. Ha ha…. thats all true for a lot girls. Except for me… I would always pick food over boys hands down! I eat as much as football player so yes, it takes someone truly special to not gross out when I am on plate 5 at the buffet.
    I have come to terms…. that and ice cream has really helped!

  9. Yep, I suppose I lied when I was angry, simply by not expressing it properly. But that’s what the passive-aggressive types do…we wait until we have 8 or 9 things all stored up, then smash you like a hurricane. πŸ˜€

    1. See, I’m very much inclined to being really mad and then instead of telling about why I’m mad, I just break up with him. It’s less like surviving a hurricane and more like surviving getting struck by lightening.

  10. Craig says:

    Love it! Although, I can tell you from experience that being perfectly honest all the time doesn’t get better results. Subsequently, in my twenties, I developed the cynical perspective that men lie about who they are and women lie about what they want, and when our lies match up we call ourselves “soul mates”. πŸ˜‰

    Craig

  11. How very dare you. Guys NEVER lie to their girlfriends. Of COURSE I like it when her relatives spontaneously pop in. I’d much rather take her to a consignment shop than watch the World Series. And those pants DON’T make her butt look fat. At all.

  12. India-leigh says:

    on a rainy, wind thrusting day in England, when I am reading you whilst having a very conversation about house insurance on the telephone, this is insanely funny and a Godsend! I have had to apologise to the call centre operator several times for guffawing heartily into the mouthpiece. I then lied to him(see the influence you have) and said I was laughing at my new kitten (I don’t have a kitten) who was skitting across the new extension (don’t have one..want one) with the ribbon from the birthday present (my birthday was 4 months ago and no bloody one tied my gifts with satin ribbon!). Muchos thanks.

  13. Since we’re confessing and all…. DITTO. I’ve used those little lies a time or twelve in past relationships. The only kicker? I was the dainty salad eater when I first met my fiance. He thought it was precious that I ate like a sweet, little lady bird. After a pregnancy, a kid, and plenty of time living together, he’s had to see the ugly side of me known as Fa Fa Girl. Hide yo plate, hide yo leftovers. She’s eating everything up in here.

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