I’m Trying To Stay Relevant Y’all.

Rest in peace, little buddy.

So, I heard a comedian talking about how the only way to get famous and stay famous for being funny was to be relevant. All the time. But since things are always changing (stupid things and their changing ways) it’s hard to stay relevant because relevant is always changing. Comedy is hard.

I really took his advice to heart even though I don’t want to be famous, I only want to sell millions and millions of books, and go on late-night talk shows, and date a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band, and stay at luxurious places, and be recognized by “regulars” while I’m out shopping for more huge sunglasses to hide my face so “regulars” don’t notice me out in public. Oh, and also I would really like to do something good for the world too. So, you see, my aspirations aren’t to be famous, but I still think it’s important that I stay relevant or people won’t think I’m funny anymore and then I’m going to have to grow-up and stop blogging about imaginary conversations.

I need you guys to read some of my new material and tell me if it’s relevant. Be honest. But also be really nice and maybe if you don’t like my jokes tell me I’m pretty or something because that might also get me a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band. And a 1 and a 2 and a……

Mel Gibson. Anyone heard what’s going on with this guy lately? Yeah, I heard he is playing Braveheart aka William Wallace. Yeah, I know. As if that guy could ever pull off the proper Scottish accent. William Wallace was one of Scotland’s greatest heros and you want the guy from Mad Max who can’t decide whether he speaks with an American or Australian accent to play him in a movie? That’s crazy yo! Am I right? I’m totally right.

Politics. High oil prices, terrible economy, political scandal, foreign wars, immigration arguments- what is this the 1970’s?!! (Insert historical appreciation laugh here). I do miss disco though, for real. (Pause in respect of a dead dance craze).

Cell phones. Whaaaaaaat?! A phone that you can take with you anywhere? Who do you think I am, Zack Morris?

Dating Shows. Have you seen this new show called The Bachelor? Yeah, apparently, some guy goes on TV and 25 insane but attractive females try to win flowers from him. Also, they hook up. I give it one season. Who cares about this guys bizarre dating life? Not me, buddy. I’ll always choose to watch Friends- now there is a show that won’t ever end. Am I right? I’m totally right. (At this point I raise my hands and do the woot-woot thing, it’s quite a crowd pleaser).

Low-carb diets. Y’all heard about low-carb diets? Aww man, it’s some bull. People on these low-card diets aren’t supposed to eat bread and shiz. Like, not even pasta or tortillas. And I’m like, what did bread ever do to you? Y’all be hating on bread because it’s delicious. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. (This works here right?)

I mean, what’s more relevant than famous actors who everyone loves, politics of the 1970’s, new technology, television, and fad diets? I couldn’t be more relevant. I’m totally getting myself a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band for a boyfriend this year. That’s what relevance earns you- so study hard kids and always watch Saved by the Bell and you too could earn yourself a bass player from a rock and roll band.

28 thoughts on “I’m Trying To Stay Relevant Y’all.

  1. We had a crazy dance “Disco is not dead” dress-up party only last week Saturday. Which basically means you’re relevant ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

    You have my undying respect, GOTC. Un. Dying. Respect.

  2. Craig says:

    I don’t know… from what I see on the news, irrelevance is pretty relevant right now. And for me the sexy base player better be from The Talking Heads or The Go-Go’s if you’re seein’ what I’m sayin’. 😉

  3. Jokes about bread will always be relevant as long as it’s still delicious and people are still knocking it unfairly. All bread can do is be the best bread it can be. It can’t get all caught up in this diet and health nonsense.

  4. As you say, comedy is hard. I have noticed that one topic that is always relevant is family.
    I watched an old (black and white) program called My Three Sons, about a widowed dad who lives with his three rowdy boys, a dog, and the boys’ grandfather. The show won awards in its day, and it is still funny, and very relevant, although there are no cell phones or video games to be seen in the show. The chaos of a family is timeless!

  5. fawley10 says:

    The entire second paragraph was my favorite part of this post! Just thought I’d let you know, you don’t have to be relevant to be funny- you’re the exception to the rule 😉

    1. I’m all over it! I’ve got an entire monologue centered around Lorena Bobbit and Amy Fisher. It’s going to be a little controversial but that’s the price to pay to be relevant.

  6. Disco is dead? Man, somebody better tell the crack ho and her friends that live next to my ex. Six mile high afros, platform clogs and tangerine colored rhinestone sunglasses with lenses as big as softballs-oh my!

  7. Maybe you are a bit too relevant- it seems like you are predicting the future here. I’d stick with World War II and some kind of new technology called “computers”. By the way, have you heard of this awesome new show called “Different Strokes”?

    1. Good point. I’ll get my WWII jokes prepared. I don’t know what these “computers” you speak of are but I will go to my library and do some research. And yes, Different Strokes is amazing and will change the face of television programming forever. I’m sure of it.

  8. The Zack Morris comment really made me laugh. Saved By the Bell will ALWAYS be relevant.

    I actually know a single, attractive bass player. Just one question first: Does a Pearl Jam cover band count as rock and roll?

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