So, I heard a comedian talking about how the only way to get famous and stay famous for being funny was to be relevant. All the time. But since things are always changing (stupid things and their changing ways) it’s hard to stay relevant because relevant is always changing. Comedy is hard.
I really took his advice to heart even though I don’t want to be famous, I only want to sell millions and millions of books, and go on late-night talk shows, and date a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band, and stay at luxurious places, and be recognized by “regulars” while I’m out shopping for more huge sunglasses to hide my face so “regulars” don’t notice me out in public. Oh, and also I would really like to do something good for the world too. So, you see, my aspirations aren’t to be famous, but I still think it’s important that I stay relevant or people won’t think I’m funny anymore and then I’m going to have to grow-up and stop blogging about imaginary conversations.
I need you guys to read some of my new material and tell me if it’s relevant. Be honest. But also be really nice and maybe if you don’t like my jokes tell me I’m pretty or something because that might also get me a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band. And a 1 and a 2 and a……
Mel Gibson. Anyone heard what’s going on with this guy lately? Yeah, I heard he is playing Braveheart aka William Wallace. Yeah, I know. As if that guy could ever pull off the proper Scottish accent. William Wallace was one of Scotland’s greatest heros and you want the guy from Mad Max who can’t decide whether he speaks with an American or Australian accent to play him in a movie? That’s crazy yo! Am I right? I’m totally right.
Politics. High oil prices, terrible economy, political scandal, foreign wars, immigration arguments- what is this the 1970’s?!! (Insert historical appreciation laugh here). I do miss disco though, for real. (Pause in respect of a dead dance craze).
Cell phones. Whaaaaaaat?! A phone that you can take with you anywhere? Who do you think I am, Zack Morris?
Dating Shows. Have you seen this new show called The Bachelor? Yeah, apparently, some guy goes on TV and 25 insane but attractive females try to win flowers from him. Also, they hook up. I give it one season. Who cares about this guys bizarre dating life? Not me, buddy. I’ll always choose to watch Friends- now there is a show that won’t ever end. Am I right? I’m totally right. (At this point I raise my hands and do the woot-woot thing, it’s quite a crowd pleaser).
Low-carb diets. Y’all heard about low-carb diets? Aww man, it’s some bull. People on these low-card diets aren’t supposed to eat bread and shiz. Like, not even pasta or tortillas. And I’m like, what did bread ever do to you? Y’all be hating on bread because it’s delicious. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. (This works here right?)
I mean, what’s more relevant than famous actors who everyone loves, politics of the 1970’s, new technology, television, and fad diets? I couldn’t be more relevant. I’m totally getting myself a sexy bass player in a rock and roll band for a boyfriend this year. That’s what relevance earns you- so study hard kids and always watch Saved by the Bell and you too could earn yourself a bass player from a rock and roll band.