Guys. For real. I love the internet. Actually, I love internet searchers, because y’all are amazing. The search terms I’ve been getting recently have been nothing but pure gold. Pure. Gold. You guys have made me so happy- you don’t even know. Sure, at first I was a little confused, maybe even flabbergasted, but then joy filled my heart and the world felt like a safe and happy place. You restore my hope. You’re hope restorers.
* Boyfriend calls me dumpling. 8 of you searched for this, or maybe just 2 of you 4 times, or 4 of you 2 times, or 1 of you 8 times. Regardless, it led to my old lady (that’s what I call my blog) every time. And I have this to say to you, if your boyfriend calls you dumpling, I think you should call him “ex”.
* Aliens want to drink your blood. I know, right?! It’s important that we acknowledge that fact and prepare ourselves in case of alien invasion. Or maybe you were thinking about vampires, but we should probably arm ourselves against them as well. I’m afraid all that Twilight business has led us into a false security.
*12 year old birthday cake. 15 people searched this and I’m like…gross. Y’all should not eat that. It’s probably covered in mold- although, it’s probably penicillin by now so maybe you’re just being smart and avoiding your co-pay at the doctors office.
*Pitiful. 25 people searched this in the last month. All I have to say to that is “Yo mama.”
* I wasn’t that drunk-man you! Not only do I think you were, in fact, that drunk, I think you are still probably drunk. Don’t drink and Google y’all. People could get hurt.
* Advice column about girl things. 68 people searched this and found my blog in the last month. Which is weird because that’s not what this blog is at all, but I’m nothing if not a people pleaser so…..tampons are your friends, don’t wear a push-up bra to the gym, don’t wear a short skirt to meet the parents, wash your hair frequently, get a facial every once in a while, don’t pick at your zits, and never go to Victoria’s Secret when you feel fat. You’re welcome girls.
* Anti-Sexy Girl. An insulting 74 people searched this to find my blog. That shiz hurts. It’s true…but it hurts nonetheless. I would say “Yo mama.” but I’m sure your mother is lovely and I would hate to hurt her feelings. Also, apologize to her for the “pitiful” comment above, I feel terrible about it.
* Best way to tell your friend that you are their boyfriends lover. I’m like, whoa. That was a shockingly long and detailed search. If I had a boyfriend, I would be very worried right now that this was directed at me personally. But,since it’s not, and since you asked, I’ll answer. There isn’t a best way. She will be pissed. And rightfully so. Also, she might cut a ho- you may want a medical team standing by.
*Is it weird to have a crush on Alan Alda from M*A*S*H? No. No, it’s not. There is no other celebrity more deserving of a crush than Alan Alda. I have a deep and undying love for him. You’re welcome to continue crushing on him but remember, I got first dibs after his wife. And much like the betrayed girl in the above search term, I will cut a ho. Although, I am very pleasantly surprised that 9 of you searched this. Or 3 of you 3 times. Or it might have been just me 9 times….I don’t remember. Stop accusing me.
*Knighting ceremony. Is this the internets way of telling me I’m about to be knighted??! I’m so honored! I can’t wait to pick out my fascinator. Or wait…do I get to wear armor and wield a sword Joan of Arc style? Because I would own the hell out of a sword. Also, suits of armor really bring out my eyes.
Y’all be crazy but I love your guts. Well played. Very well played.