Well Played Internet Searchers. Well Played.

I'm going to look so hot in this.

Guys. For real. I love the internet. Actually, I love internet searchers, because y’all are amazing. The search terms I’ve been getting recently have been nothing but pure gold. Pure. Gold. You guys have made me so happy- you don’t even know. Sure, at first I was a little confused, maybe even flabbergasted, but then joy filled my heart and the world felt like a safe and happy place. You restore my hope. You’re hope restorers.

* Boyfriend calls me dumpling.  8 of you searched for this, or maybe just 2 of you 4 times, or 4 of you 2 times, or 1 of you 8 times. Regardless, it led to my old lady (that’s what I call my blog) every time. And I have this to say to you, if your boyfriend calls you dumpling, I think you should call him “ex”.

* Aliens want to drink your blood. I know, right?! It’s important that we acknowledge that fact and prepare ourselves in case of alien invasion. Or maybe you were thinking about vampires, but we should probably arm ourselves against them as well. I’m afraid all that Twilight business has led us into a false security.

*12 year old birthday cake. 15 people searched this and I’m like…gross. Y’all should not eat that. It’s probably covered in mold- although, it’s probably penicillin by now so maybe you’re just being smart and avoiding your co-pay at the doctors office.

*Pitiful. 25 people searched this in the last month. All I have to say to that is “Yo mama.”

* I wasn’t that drunk-man you! Not only do I think you were, in fact, that drunk, I think you are still probably drunk. Don’t drink and Google y’all. People could get hurt.

* Advice column about girl things. 68 people searched this and found my blog in the last month. Which is weird because that’s not what this blog is at all, but I’m nothing if not a people pleaser so…..tampons are your friends, don’t wear a push-up bra to the gym, don’t wear a short skirt to meet the parents, wash your hair frequently, get a facial every once in a while, don’t pick at your zits, and never go to Victoria’s Secret when you feel fat. You’re welcome girls.

* Anti-Sexy Girl. An insulting 74 people searched this to find my blog. That shiz hurts. It’s true…but it hurts nonetheless. I would say “Yo mama.” but I’m sure your mother is lovely and I would hate to hurt her feelings. Also, apologize to her for the “pitiful” comment above, I feel terrible about it.

* Best way to tell your friend that you are their boyfriends lover. I’m like, whoa. That was a shockingly long and detailed search. If I had a boyfriend, I would be very worried right now that this was directed at me personally. But,since it’s not, and since you asked, I’ll answer. There isn’t a best way. She will be pissed. And rightfully so. Also, she might cut a ho- you may want a medical team standing by.

*Is it weird to have a crush on Alan Alda from M*A*S*H? No. No, it’s not. There is no other celebrity more deserving of a crush than Alan Alda. I have a deep and undying love for him. You’re welcome to continue crushing on him but remember, I got first dibs after his wife. And much like the betrayed girl in the above search term, I will cut a ho. Although, I am very pleasantly surprised that 9 of you searched this. Or 3 of you 3 times. Or it might have been just me 9 times….I don’t remember. Stop accusing me.

*Knighting ceremony. Is this the internets way of telling me I’m about to be knighted??! I’m so honored! I can’t wait to pick out my fascinator. Or wait…do I get to wear armor and wield a sword Joan of Arc style? Because I would own the hell out of a sword. Also, suits of armor really bring out my eyes.

Y’all be crazy but I love your guts. Well played. Very well played.

31 thoughts on “Well Played Internet Searchers. Well Played.

  1. Okay, it’s a few days past, but yesterday AND today I got some seriously heartwarming searches: (1): perfect woman (I SO am!) and (2) hugz department alwyz open (that one requires more thought but, hey, if you’re reading my blog—sure, hugs all around!) and I’m like, so, would you totally mind if I wrote about those two searches. I’m asking, of course, because I doubt my usually macabre brain would have thought about doing such a thing had it not been for your post first…. ?

  2. Ship Happens says:

    Fantastic topic for your blog. Thoroughly loved it, and doesn’t this say alot for your readership? I’m going to do this myself when I actually get a readership. Thanks again – CD

  3. Really, one of the selling points for starting a blog should be getting to see a sampling of what people search for on the internet.

    Oh, but that “I wasn’t that drunk-man you!” search was me. Sorry. Typo. I get tired of being confused with a guy named “Thad Trunkman” and was looking for a way to easily explain it to people.

  4. This is so great, and thank you for the girl things advice! The WordPress search terms always thrill me; yesterday I got an especially delightful one: “i’m too cool to like.” Were they looking for confirmation? Did they want to share the news with someone equally cool (in which case they were in for huge disappointment)? I’ll never know.

  5. Craig says:

    The craziest search I have had yet is “serotinous cherry”. I am completely stumped by that one. And, I think you should get armor that doesn’t already have holes in it. It would be kind of icky to put that armor on.


  6. Hilarious. I also totally love the insane things people search for that lead to my blog. A recent one was: “Is Andrew Dice Clay a Jehovah Witness?” I can tell you honestly that’s not something I ever thought about. Before.

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