Can You Tell Me How To Get….How To Get To Aslan’s Country?


In case you were wondering, the title of this blog should be sung ala the Sesame Street theme song. So, wonder no more.

Listen, I’ve been trying to find a way into Narnia since I was 10 and read all 7 of the Chronicles of Narnia in less than a week. (It’s ok to be impressed by me.) But I have yet to actually find a way there. And some people- ok all people- have told me that Narnia is fictional. And to those people I say “Nie!” and if they don’t understand what I mean by that then it means they haven’t seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail and I want absolutely nothing to do with them because clearly they are humorless robots filled with loose screws and sawdust.

Anyway, after looking in every wardrobe, taking every train on the underground in London, and trying on every ring a magician has ever offered, I have still not been able to make my way to Narnia. Apparently, Aslan wants me to come up with a new way to travel to Narnia. After all, he isn’t a tame lion. (If you don’t get that reference, you probably don’t get this post at all. In which case, I offer up this topic for discussion: BBQ feel free to comment on that instead). So, I’m working on a list of things that I think will earn Aslan’s approval and score me a ticket to Narnia.

1. Eat french toast wrapped in a waffle wrapped in a pancake wrapped in a crepe. Surely, something of this magnitude will open up some kind of cosmic highway. It’s just too wonderful and full of goodness.

2. Sing “If you’re happy and you know it” throughout a scary movie. Courage in a scary situation- that seems right up Aslan’s alley.

3. Read The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe while watching The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe while hiding in a wardrobe with a witch and a lion. C’mon. That HAS to work.

4. Chase a rainbow. Science would have me believe there is no end point of a rainbow. To science I say “Yo momma doesn’t have an end point. Boom!” At the end of that rainbow is my ticket to Narnia.

5. Eat a lot of spicy food. I don’t know why, I just feel like spicy food may be the key here. Also, yum.

One of these has to work. If not, I may need to resort to more extreme measures like sending a Teen Vogue to Vogue or wearing sunglasses at night. I will let you know what happens, unless I don’t, which probably means I made it and  you will have to deduce for yourself which one of these worked. (My money is on the french toast, waffle, pancake, and crepe combination I will now affectionately refer to as “fretowafpanepe”)

34 thoughts on “Can You Tell Me How To Get….How To Get To Aslan’s Country?

  1. TCIMaster cooks a bad ass slow cooked BBQ pork.
    I’ve had to endure hundreds of experiments as he perfects his receipe for BBQ not that I’m complaining or anything but it has been hard on my jeans. (they no longer fit)

    Hahahaha! Loved your post can you please send me the receipe to Fretowafpanepe I’m going to have TCIMaster make it for me.

  2. Oooh, can’t wait to see if one of them works! I will continue to read every post to make sure I don’t miss anything, and then do miss you when you find the way.

  3. cooper says:

    Remember, when concocting your fretowafpanepe, that the pancakes must be blueberry and the crepe must have a raspberry compote. Maybe that’s way is hasn’t worked so far. Also, you have to sit in a silver chair while staring at a picture of Eustace Scrubb.

    1. YES! Those Narnia references make me so happy!! Although I may have to substitute strawberry for blueberries because I’m not a big fan of blueberries—-although, maybe I have to eat something I don’t love as a test. Also, I can’t believe I’ve put this much thought into the fretowafpanepe.

      1. Craig says:

        Doh! You say that like you made that joke before…. no wonder it came so quickly to me. I am REALLY good at recycling without knowing it; I’m super efficient like that.

  4. Let me know how that works out for you… I might have to try to something as drastic because I am still trying to get into Fantasia… I have the biggest crush on Atreyu. Plus I wanna ride Falkor … the luck dragon.
    Note: Reading the book alone does not work!

  5. I made a really good BBQ pulled pork last night. And ate it for breakfast! Isn’t that wild and crazy of me! Haha. Breakfast…pulled pork for breakfast. LOL. HaHA so funny…I’m such a rebel. (BBQ pulled pork for breakfast…histerical)

      1. Well, you put the BBQ sauce in at the end in the slow cooker. Then you sandwhich it up with some cole slaw, supposedly. BUT, dam rebel that I am, I REFUSED. (largely, cuz I was outa coleslaw)

  6. i’m thinking it’s “mr. pedant”, to you. and speaking as that very one, if you were at all aware of my blog, and its introduction, you’d understand my “shiftless” nature. i am indeed in good company, with e.e. cummings, and t.s. elliot, although i don’t identify myself by my initials, and i don’t compare my writings to theirs. (clearly a world apart.) however, i can SHIFT with the best of them. it’s simply a matter of style.

    take a look at the blog, if you’re so inclined.

  7. Where is the freaking “Love” button for these things? “Like” just doesn’t cut it!

    Although (blushing) Love button sounds like something else entirely. (Perhaps more suited to a Harlequin Romance than to a post with awesome Narnia references.)

  8. Sound plan of action, from a tactical standpoint. Its important to have a plan of action with fall-back options should “Plan A” fail to produce the desired result.

    If I promise to bring you a shrubbery once you’ve sorted this out, can I come visit?

    On another note, I have to smile when a pedant can’t grasp the function of the “shift” key.

  9. I love all of these (and yeah, I was totally singing your title! That shiz is my JAM)! Too bad you’re not in Jersey, or I could hook you up with some CRAZY peppers from Hubster’s garden to help out with #5. I love the sending Teen Vogue to Vogue idea, too, hahaha, just thinking about it makes my head explode a little. In a good way.

    1. Ok, next time I’m in Jersey I will take you up on those peppers because I live to eat spicy food. Live for it. Also, I think if I did actually send a Teen Vogue to Vogue then the entire universe would explode and not in a good way. 😉

  10. fun post. i was never really looking for narnia, but i did spend a good portion of my life “in the closet”, before i “came out”, after which, i did find oz. will that do?
    there are a few typos, which, for a paragon of grammar such as yourself, are shocking to me. i’m not trying to be an asshat, but deduce, not deduct. (typo), and at THE end of the rainbow. (again, typo.) and of course, the end of the rainbow is indeed in oz.

    1. Oz works for me!

      Yes, there were typos. Sorry about that. I have to say though- and I say it with a lot of love in my heart- that whenever someone says “I’m not trying to be an asshat but….” they are probably being an asshat. Also, using the word “typo” 3 times was a little aggressive. Just once would have sufficed. 🙂 Having said that- thanks for letting me know, color me embarrassed.

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