I’m A Magnet For Awkwardness

Elevator

It’s time I acknowledge, nay, embrace the fact that I was born with a unique magnetism for awkwardness. It’s been well documented throughout this blog and frequently yelled at me by strangers, but I always just thought that they were singular (although daily) occurrences. Not anymore. Not after last Friday. I was finally forced to accept that my awkward magnetism is a force that can not be denied. If I ignore it, it will only consume me and those around me. Like a hurricane, if that’s how hurricanes work. Or maybe I’m thinking about a wormhole. What about a hurricane with a wormhole in the middle? Except that might be something I would want to happen because it sounds like something that would lead to a trip to Narnia.

So, last Friday, I ended my work day and got in the elevator to go down (that’s what she said). At the second floor, the elevator stopped and a man got in. Then this happened.

Man: Hey, how are you?

Me: Very well thanks. Glad it’s Friday.

Man: You ain’t lyin.

Me: Right? It’s been a pretty insane week.

Man: Excuse me, I’m on the phone. (He points to a tiny microscopic bluetooth in his ear)

I realized he had not been talking to me at all. He had been talking to whoever was on the phone. Even though my answers fit in seamlessly with his conversation, he was never once talking to me. I know that because he was giving me the evil eye and acting like I had just punched his grandmother in the stomach and then made fun of her cataracts (If he knew me, he would know I never joke about cataracts, it’s not funny. Glaucoma is funny, but cataracts are a real killjoy.) So you want to know what I did? I started laughing uncontrollably. Why? Because that shiz was hilarious! I mean, c’mon, I had an entire polite conversation with someone who wasn’t even talking to me- that’s comedy! Real Abbott and Costello material. When we got to the first floor, he practically dashed out of the elevator, which made it even funnier.

After that, I made my peace with my magnetism for awkward. Well after I finished my 5 steps.

1. Denial. What? Me? I’m not awkward, no way. Awkward is awkward. Your Mom is awkward. Yo momma so awkward…….

2. Anger. I was angry.

3. Bargaining. If the universe takes my awkward away, I promise to never google stalk anyone again. Or you know, only google stalk hot guys. And ex-boyfriends. And people I met once at Whole Foods. Is that a deal universe? (I’m really good at bargaining)

4. Depression. Boy, this awkward magnetism is a real downer. Perhaps I should commiserate with a bowl of ice-cream.

5. Acceptance. Awkward magnetism! Huzzah! I accept it! Perhaps I should celebrate with a bowl of ice-cream.

So, if something awkward happens to you, it’s probably because I’m around somewhere, but don’t assume I’m around because I google stalked you. Because I didn’t. Probably. Also, I just realized that guy got on the elevator on the second floor to go to the first floor- kind of lazy don’t you think? I’m glad my hysterical, some might argue, maniacal, laughing got him to run out of the elevator because I probably just saved his life. Heart disease is no joke.

69 thoughts on “I’m A Magnet For Awkwardness

  1. I’m a little on the evil side. I join in people’s conversations when they are talking to the air (their bluetooth headset). If they give me the evil eye I say something like “hey why are you looking at me like that, I’m just being polite.”

    If someone is talking on the phone in the next stall I flush the toilet 15 times.

  2. iowadogblog says:

    Ok, this post was hilarious! I must follow you. Maybe into an elevator where something awkward will happen.

    I’m a fellow magnet for awkwardness, by the way. Hello, I’m Andrea, and I’m awkward. Should we do an awkward half-hug (the worst!) or a nice sweaty handshake? Even the word awkward is awkward–w’s and k’s and everything.

  3. hmp, that wasn’t so nice at all. I mean what the guy did is not nice… running away. well that was pretty awkward he could’ve just say hi to you and tell you that he’s talking to someone else in a polite way and not just runaway. that’s what the guy did when the same thing happen to me 🙂

    That was a funny experience.

  4. This happened more often than we think (or so I hope). It has happened to me more than once. When headsets became really small, I also thought, OMG. There sure are a lot more crazy people walking around talking to themselves out loud these days!

  5. I had the almost the exact same conversation with someone in a public bathroom. I’m no stranger to talking to someone in another stall; it can be awkward for some, but I’m way past that point.

    The other person, however, thought it was super awkward. And I got kind of mad because what did they expect? Really? :/

  6. i think you’re officially my favorite blogger. you’re like me except you! if you ever wanna read your somewhat cosmic twin’s blog, stop on in. 🙂 keep writing. i need entertainment! 🙂

  7. Too funny! I loved that you burst out laughing – that is the way to go. The only way awkward can get you down is by letting it get the best of you. I spent too much time being embarrassed by awkward! I must embrace it, like you said! So, thanks for sharing that.

    And also, that guy was a jerk. I really like the idea of pretending you’re on the phone, too. I wish I could think quickly enough to stump the jerks of the world like that.

  8. Hilarious! I once followed a neighbor half way down an aisle at the grocery store chatting back and forth before I realized she was wearing a bluetooth and was blissfully oblivious to my presence. Haven’t been that mortified since high school!

    1. When you left the store, you should have been like “I’m so glad we got to catch up! I never enjoyed talking to you until today. Remember the promise you made me.” and then walked away- I bet she would have been the mortified one after that, or perhaps worried she had early onset dementia. Either way, you walk out of that store a rock star.

  9. Ha ha ha! The exact same thing happened to me once but I turned bright read said sorry then turned around and faced the wall till I got to my floor. 😀

  10. I have shared your blog with my sister and my FB friends. Talking about awkward. Reading you blog can be dangerous and lead to suden bursts of public laughter. Followed by the apologetic and sheepish smile, while holding up the Blackberry and saying, “It was funny!

    1. Thank a million! And if anyone gives you trouble about laughing in public, just laugh harder and louder (unless you’re at a funeral, which would be a really inappropriate time to read my blog) that will show ’em.

  11. Okay…

    So…. I’ve read your blog for about a week or so, maybe about eleven days or so (not that I would be counting because, well, reading a blog that many days without commenting to let the author know you’re reading is, well, it just might count as stalking, right? No stalking here… Although… never mind… ;-).

    ANYWAY..

    You probably already know you’re brilliant, and you probably already know that you’re hysterical but you’re also encouraging. Let me share a secret with you: on my GOOD days, I’m more serious than you are hysterical (and on my BAD days, well, let’s just say that my sister jokes [kind of] that all my main characters usually die). I want to be funny. I really do. But I’m really not. And my head is full of really awful things (a real downer is MY blog!). So. Normally, I read “funny” blogs with one eyebrow arched, then say something like, “I don’t get it” (because I usually don’t).

    You, however, consistently make me smile and sometimes even laugh out loud. Miracles obviously still happen. It is a big deal when someone can make me laugh and, considering we don’t even know each other, it’s an even BIGGER deal. Anyway, thank you for reminding me that sometimes it’s okay to be, well, imperfect (*gasp*) and not to feel so guilty for laughing at least once a day. Serious people like me need your blog.

    So–thanks! 🙂

    1. This comment meant so much to me! I’m beyond thrilled that this blog makes you laugh, it means everything to me. And please don’t worry about being serious- own yourself. It took me ages to finally embrace the funny but once I did, it literally changed my life. It’s completely ok to be a serious person, as long as you get your daily laugh in at my blog. 😉 Thank you so much for reading and thank you even more for laughing- seriously, you will never know how much it means to me. (See? I can be serious too. 😉 )

  12. I just thought of something while I was in the shower (Yes, I think of you when I shower). I kinda wish you had responded, “What? I’m on the phone!!” in an angry tone and then pointed to your empty ear, and then made up a random one-way conversation after that. How cool would that be?

  13. ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS. I just shared this on my Facebook page. You’re about to be famous. I have 332 friends. Yup. Granted, I don’t get 332 on my own blogs when I post to Facebook, but you never know!

  14. ally says:

    Hysterical! Thanks for the laugh and sharing your awkwardness. I thought I was the only one out there awkwardly roaming the world. Tonight, in celebration of the united awkwardness front I shall eat ice cream
    Love the post!

    ally
    cupcakesandcatfood.com

  15. OMG I love you!!!!
    This was hilarious! You need to install a Love button, a freakin hilarious button, and a Marina chocked on a Funyun chip button!

    I loved this!
    I wish I could just …. I don’t know … hug this post or something!

      1. Hmm probably 😀

        —x—x—x—–x—-x—
        Edwin : So we are supposed to make an awkward conversation

        GOTC : Yeah .

        Edwin :Lets do it !!

        GOTC : Sure .I will begin with waving arms .

        Edwin : Awkward

        GOTC :And the day is saved thanks to the powerp…ummm Girlonthecontrary

        —-x—–x—-x
        Nice post

  16. Those bluetooths really do make people look like they’re talking to themselves! If they want other people to stop answering, I bet that using a cell phone would solve that problem pretty fast 🙂

  17. Please tell me you ate the ice cream. XD Those moments are priceless. It’s hard not to laugh. That man obviously had no sense of humor…

  18. Craig says:

    You live in a very peculiar part of the world. I don’t think I would suffer someone talking on their cell phone in an elevator. That’s like farting on an elevator. I usually start talking to those people – if their dumb enough to do it, that is – and make it as confusing and weird as possible. I have a friend is prone to yelling “Sell! Sell! Sell!” and “It was the Dukes! It was the Dukes!” in those situations. Rather funny coming from a forty year old. I think my response to him would have been, “Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were being polite and friendly, but instead you are one of those selfish jerks who insists on making everyone listen to your conversations.”

    Craig

    1. Haha! I was too busy laughing to have thought of anything so biting to say. I never really thought about it, but you’re right, talking on a cell phone on an elevator is pretty rude.

  19. I love that on top of everything else, you even managed to get a TWSS in there. Also that you just started cracking up in the elevator – that’s pretty much my default reaction, too! Very bad when you’re in a business meeting, though (your tip of the day, free of charge).

  20. Damn that was funny. I’ve had those cell phone conversations in the men’s bathroom before. I don’t necessary want to talk in the bathroom, but then someone will say, “Hey, how are you?” from the next stall. And you answer reluctantly and it fits right in with the next sentence in the conversation, and pretty soon you realize the guy is on a cell phone. Why he’s making a call from the stall, I’ll never know. But they do. Thanks for the chuckle.

  21. I am laughing like a drain! You crack me up. Just to think of you laughing out loud (shit, how else would you do it?….inner laughs are ineffectual) thank God, I’m not in a ‘full to capacity’ cafe of very quiet web surfers! that would be awkward. Actually, I want to be in a ftc cafe…I too could embrace my AWKWARD – it’s even spelled..kinda.. awkwardly and a bit spikey looking…

  22. “Except that might be something I would want to happen because it sounds like something that would lead to a trip to Narnia.” I knew I loved you. Wait, is that an awkward thing to say? (I have The Gift too. In case you had not noticed. Only without the miraculous humor to make it cool.)

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