It’s time I acknowledge, nay, embrace the fact that I was born with a unique magnetism for awkwardness. It’s been well documented throughout this blog and frequently yelled at me by strangers, but I always just thought that they were singular (although daily) occurrences. Not anymore. Not after last Friday. I was finally forced to accept that my awkward magnetism is a force that can not be denied. If I ignore it, it will only consume me and those around me. Like a hurricane, if that’s how hurricanes work. Or maybe I’m thinking about a wormhole. What about a hurricane with a wormhole in the middle? Except that might be something I would want to happen because it sounds like something that would lead to a trip to Narnia.
So, last Friday, I ended my work day and got in the elevator to go down (that’s what she said). At the second floor, the elevator stopped and a man got in. Then this happened.
Man: Hey, how are you?
Me: Very well thanks. Glad it’s Friday.
Man: You ain’t lyin.
Me: Right? It’s been a pretty insane week.
Man: Excuse me, I’m on the phone. (He points to a tiny microscopic bluetooth in his ear)
I realized he had not been talking to me at all. He had been talking to whoever was on the phone. Even though my answers fit in seamlessly with his conversation, he was never once talking to me. I know that because he was giving me the evil eye and acting like I had just punched his grandmother in the stomach and then made fun of her cataracts (If he knew me, he would know I never joke about cataracts, it’s not funny. Glaucoma is funny, but cataracts are a real killjoy.) So you want to know what I did? I started laughing uncontrollably. Why? Because that shiz was hilarious! I mean, c’mon, I had an entire polite conversation with someone who wasn’t even talking to me- that’s comedy! Real Abbott and Costello material. When we got to the first floor, he practically dashed out of the elevator, which made it even funnier.
After that, I made my peace with my magnetism for awkward. Well after I finished my 5 steps.
1. Denial. What? Me? I’m not awkward, no way. Awkward is awkward. Your Mom is awkward. Yo momma so awkward…….
2. Anger. I was angry.
3. Bargaining. If the universe takes my awkward away, I promise to never google stalk anyone again. Or you know, only google stalk hot guys. And ex-boyfriends. And people I met once at Whole Foods. Is that a deal universe? (I’m really good at bargaining)
4. Depression. Boy, this awkward magnetism is a real downer. Perhaps I should commiserate with a bowl of ice-cream.
5. Acceptance. Awkward magnetism! Huzzah! I accept it! Perhaps I should celebrate with a bowl of ice-cream.
So, if something awkward happens to you, it’s probably because I’m around somewhere, but don’t assume I’m around because I google stalked you. Because I didn’t. Probably. Also, I just realized that guy got on the elevator on the second floor to go to the first floor- kind of lazy don’t you think? I’m glad my hysterical, some might argue, maniacal, laughing got him to run out of the elevator because I probably just saved his life. Heart disease is no joke.