How Much Longer Do I Have The Be The “Cool” Grown-Up??

ryan gosling, rachel mcadams kiss
Not on my stairs you crazy kids! Not on my stairs!

Many of you may remember that I caught a bunch of kids smoking weed on the steps of my apartment building a few weeks ago. Well, apparently those stoned kids decided to spread the word that there was a super cool grown-up who lives in building 3 and won’t snitch on you. How do I know that? Because now, instead of stoned tweens, I’m dealing with very randy  teen couples.

In the past few days, I have walked in on not one, not two, but three different couples rounding make-out lane heading straight for sex avenue- on the stairs. For real. It’s nothing but sloppy kisses, awkward groping, and chuckles. Why my stairs? Why? You want to know why? Because I was super freaking cool to those stoners and they went and told all their friends how cool I was and now every 12-16 year old in the area comes to my stairs to participate in activities they don’t want to get caught doing. Because I’m cool and they know I won’t say anything to them. Except, I’m not really cool. I don’t say anything to them for two reasons-

1. I’m not their Mama.

2. I think it’s hilarious and it makes for good blogging.

You see kids? I’m not cool. I’m just using you for blogs. I’m actually pretty selfish when you think about it. But there is a limit to my selfishness- I’m getting a little tired of being the “cool” grown-up. I’m sick of having to walk around you while you grab at each other’s naughty bits. It’s become a hassle. Sure, it was pretty funny at first stumbling upon you awkwardly trying to figure out French kissing, but now, it’s gross and frustrating. Like the other day when I had my hands completely full of groceries and I had to literally step over you while you were trying to give each other hickeys, which aren’t a good look by the way, it was really inconvenient and I barely even cracked a smile at your odd and public affection.

So, I guess my question is, how much longer do I have to be the “cool” grown-up? At what point am I allowed to be really grouchy and say things like “Stop putting your paws all over each other, you damn kids! You’re probably all on drugs.” and “You’re the worst generation yet! I fear for our future.” Because I’m only 26, but I feel myself rapidly getting to that point. The stoners were funny. The first awkwardly making-out couple were funny. The second couple of horny teens was amusing. The third couple were just annoying as hell. I’m over it kids. Stop taking advantage of my need for blog topics, or what you refer to as “coolness”, and take your shenanigans elsewhere.

And just a tip, because I’m still being “cool”, maybe the second set of completely visible stairs in building 3 isn’t the best place to participate in shenanigans. Everyone can see you. There is nothing private or stealthy about it. Seriously, there has to be a better place.

31 thoughts on “How Much Longer Do I Have The Be The “Cool” Grown-Up??

  1. You need a good polaroid camera. Take a picture and once they have vacated the area stick the picture up on the wall near where they were with ‘are these your children?’ written on it. Or maybe the number for the local sexual health clinic.

    The things we do for the cause. I think I would rather stumble on frisky teens than talk to/date some of the men I have in search of good material!

  2. You could always sit there with a bowl of popcorn (or whatever). They WILL then ask, “‘sup?” in their not-so-cool and “hip” ways, you could shame them a little by randomly whispering classic one liners like “Where’s the ticket booth? Or is this a free-porno?” or “What a rubbish film – change the channel” (for added effect, bring a chair and TV remote). If all else fails, try giving them advice in passing: “No, no, no – you’re doing it all wrong! – you whisper in her ear THEN stroke her hair…Tut tut!”. Personally, I’d paint blood stains on the walls or let in stray cats and/or dogs – they’d soon clear the halls out… – Anyways, good luck with smoochy-stairs.

  3. I’d make a flier and post it somewhere on the stairs “God is watching and so are the neighbors so get a room!”
    or
    Dust the stairs with itching powder.

  4. Take off your shirt and your bra (assuming you wear one) before you turn the corner and pretend like it’s no big deal. Just tra-la-la, here I am walking topless into my apartment. Only don’t do it if you have great boobs. In fact…I’m 40, a bit overweight, and I nursed a baby 12 years ago…where do you live? I’ll be there on Monday.

  5. dnici says:

    I’d just start “accidentally” smacking them with my purse or groceries, or even stepping on them. If they don’t live in an apartment at the top of those stairs, they have no business being on them for any length of time.

    And even though you are young, to them you are old, since you have a job, and are at least a somewhat functioning member of society. So since you are old, you can easily play the card of not noticing them losing their dignity on your stairs.

    Or take out your phone/camera and snap a picture of them in the act and claim that it will be so much fun posting it online and reading all of the comments.

  6. Have a conversation (pretend) on your phone while walking by about teen girls these days not getting respect anymore – like back when you were a teen you’d at least be taken out on a date instead of crunching in a car or hallway (see, you aren’t saying stairs, but they know you mean stairs). You can even add in ” and that wasn’t long ago at all, so standards are at an all time low my friend” and the girl will change the venue really freaking quick. Why? Because ain’t no woman going to tell me I’m trash and I don’t demand respect. lol…

  7. JT says:

    I would just totally go into the dual personality mode and start having a conversation with my self. “What the hell is wrong with kids today” then switch to evil voice “I think I will go sharpen my meat cleaver” then back again “Shhh don’t say that out loud you’ll scare them away” Trust me you won’t have any more material from the stairwell 🙂

  8. Craig says:

    An uncle’s advice: when the kids start taking advantage of your “coolness”, become comically embarrassing by being far more honest about their situation than they can handle. That way you can still feel cool while scaring them away at the same time. I would leave a bowl of condoms on the steps and tell the girl that she shouldn’t give it away to a boy who isn’t going to make an effort to make her more comfortable.

  9. I think the first time you go all old-lady-grumpy on their asses could make a pretty awesome post. Particularly the stoners who are used to you being cool. They won’t know what’s real anymore.

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