I was just driving along, singing to the radio, when BAM. Something absolutely terrifying happened. I glanced over to the left of my windshield and what did I spy with my little eye?? A flesh colored spider. On the inside of the windshield, meaning it was IN my car. Like, really close to me. It was a full scale “this is not a drill” panic inducing situation. You see, I have this theory on things that are alive and flesh colored but don’t actually have flesh- they’re evil. I would say this was a fact and not a theory but I haven’t received official word from the scientific community yet, although I did receive an email response that said “LOL”. I can only assume this stands for Looking Optimistic Lady which would indicate my request to be recognized as one of the world’s leading scientists is looking pretty good to be approved. And I’m not trying to brag, but this theory deserves nothing less than that. It’s not about me, it’s about my theory (soon to be fact). To recap- things that are flesh colored and living but don’t have flesh are evil.
So, the evil that is flesh colored living things brought the epic battle to me. Well, to my car to be exact. Little did that vicious flesh colored demon spider know that I LOVE my car- nobody messes with Penelope (that’s my cars name) without getting a taste of my fury. I calmly (aka frantically) pulled into a grocery store parking lot and choose my weapon. Unfortunately, my weapon of choice- some type of small centered nuclear blast gun, is not yet available for sale, so I had to settle on what was readily available, and what was readily available was a small bottle of febreze air freshener. Now, I have to admit, I have a lot of faith in febreze when it comes to freshening things up, but I was more than a little skeptical that it would actually kill this demon zombie spider, however, I was determined to rid at least my car of this evil, so I aimed and shot.
Spritz! Spritz! I nailed that demon zombie spider and it immediately began fleeing the torrent of rain scented freshness being poured upon it. Apparently, flesh colored demon zombie spiders are allergic to fresh scents (I need to send an addendum to my previous letter to the scientific community alerting them to this development). I showed no mercy to the evil creature and kept up the deluge of rain scented wrath. “Taste my freshness fury!” I screamed as the flesh colored demon tried to find a foxhole to cower in to no avail. Finally, after about 30 spritzes, the spider recognized its defeat and died. The battle had been won! Also, my car smelled like a spring meadow after a light rain. I breathed a sigh of relief and continued on my journey home.
Lessons learned today
1. I tell a pretty thrilling story.
2. Flesh colored living things with no actual flesh are evil.
3. Febreze kills spiders.
You’re welcome world. All I ask in return is that you honor me with your undying affection and loyalty. Or, you know, you could send cash.