Killing Demon Zombie Spiders With Febreze


I was just driving along, singing to the radio, when BAM. Something absolutely terrifying happened. I glanced over to the left of my windshield and what did I spy with my little eye?? A flesh colored spider. On the inside of the windshield, meaning it was IN my car. Like, really close to me. It was a full scale “this is not a drill” panic inducing situation. You see, I have this theory on things that are alive and flesh colored but don’t actually have flesh- they’re evil. I would say this was a fact and not a theory but I haven’t received official word from the scientific community yet, although I did receive an email response that said “LOL”. I can only assume this stands for Looking Optimistic Lady which would indicate my request to be recognized as one of the world’s leading scientists is looking pretty good to be approved. And I’m not trying to brag, but this theory deserves nothing less than that. It’s not about me, it’s about my theory (soon to be fact). To recap- things that are flesh colored and living but don’t have flesh are evil.

So, the evil that is flesh colored living things brought the epic battle to me. Well, to my car to be exact. Little did that vicious flesh colored demon spider know that I LOVE my car- nobody messes with Penelope (that’s my cars name) without getting a taste of my fury. I calmly (aka frantically) pulled into a grocery store parking lot and choose my weapon. Unfortunately, my weapon of choice- some type of small centered nuclear blast gun, is not yet available for sale, so I had to settle on what was readily available, and what was readily available was a small bottle of febreze air freshener. Now, I have to admit, I have a lot of faith in febreze when it comes to freshening things up, but I was more than a little skeptical that it would actually kill this demon zombie spider, however, I was determined to rid at least my car of this evil, so I aimed and shot.

Spritz! Spritz! I nailed that demon zombie spider and it immediately began fleeing the torrent of rain scented freshness being poured upon it. Apparently, flesh colored demon zombie spiders are allergic to fresh scents (I need to send an addendum to my previous letter to the scientific community alerting them to this development). I showed no mercy to the evil creature and kept up the deluge of rain scented wrath. “Taste my freshness fury!” I screamed as the flesh colored demon tried to find a foxhole to cower in to no avail. Finally, after about 30 spritzes, the spider recognized its defeat and died. The battle had been won! Also, my car smelled like a spring meadow after a light rain.Β I breathed a sigh of relief and continued on my journey home.

Lessons learned today

1. I tell a pretty thrilling story.

2. Flesh colored living things with no actual flesh are evil.

3. Febreze kills spiders.

You’re welcome world. All I ask in return is that you honor me with your undying affection and loyalty. Or, you know, you could send cash.

43 thoughts on “Killing Demon Zombie Spiders With Febreze

  1. Ethan says:

    I have been brought bad luck, a medium sized spider and his sidekick have been sitting in my room. I have been watching from a distance for many minutes waiting, looking up ways to kill them, I am deathly afraid of spiders. But I read things about febreze good thing I had some I sprayed about 30 times on him and a few for his friend, than they crawled under my bed dying, I decided to douse the entire outside of my bed. I shall look for them when I’m done writing.

  2. Chris says:

    Alright, so I know this post went up a few days ago, but it saved my life today. And since that kinda makes you a hero now, I thought I should let you know how your fragrant, odd, and humorous experience prevented me from being eaten alive. Yes indeed. Eaten alive. So here it goes:

    I was in my garage painting the desk I’m making for my bedroom, when all of a sudden I looked up and realize that I was surrounded by an army of mosquitoes! (There were only two, but that is beside the point…) Now before I continue my story you should know how tasty mosquitoes find me to be, and as flattering as it is to be adored by tiny, gray, blood sucking demons, I hate them. So I ran inside for some bug spray, put some on, and then continued to paint the desk. Sadly the bug spray didn’t seem to deter them much, if at all. Honestly I think they were merely invigorated by it for three or more were now coming at me with a passion! I was irritated, and angry. So I thought to myself, “what would GotC do?” Just as swiftly as that thought came to me, I had an answer. Febreze! Now sadly I didn’t have any febreze on hand, but I did have some bug spray sitting only a few feet away. I lunged for it, and after taking up my new weapon, I turned to face my vampire-like assassins. The first one I spotted I shot out of the air with two squirts, and drowned him in a bath of poison with several more squirts while he lay stunned. Several more met their doom in such a fashion while I towered victoriously above their watery and putrid smelling graves.

    So that is a melodramatic rendition of how you saved my life. Or at least how your quick thinking saved me from the gray vampires who tried to eat me alive. I owe you my undying gratitude!

  3. You have my undying affection and loyalty! sorry, no cash; that might lessen the impact of my loyalty, and you might even think I’m trying to buy your affection! Never!
    Love your writing. Thanks for the sunshine.

  4. This cracked me up. I have killed many a spider with various spraying substances and I so pictured myself doing this! I have found many forms of liquid death for spiders and I am now happy to add febreeze to that list!

  5. lol… I like how this sounds superhero-esque, but in my brain I am recalling how my husband darn near drove us off the road because a spider (neon red colored, it was super creepy) was on his driver side window. He screamed like a man who was going to die.. you know, like a girl. It was freaking hillarious! I nearly died laughing that day. No joke.

  6. Great piece. In an odd way it is a pity the spider didn’t escape and frighten another blogger. I would have liked to have read of a person experiencing a “scary flesh colored, but suprisingly aromatic spider.”

  7. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog. It always makes me smile. You have a sense of humor similar to my sister. It was the title of your blog that first grabbed me but it is your writing that keeps me following.

  8. Well, I’ll have to go contrary to Girl on the Contrarys’ view today…

    Several years back, I was doing some ametuer botany studies, and engaged local children with free summer wildflower classes. On my way to my sisters, to give my neices a class one summer day, I pulled off the side of the highway to pick a sighted ‘Common Mullein”, a tall spike of yellow wild blossoms. It was in the lesson planner…As I pulled back onto the road, I felt something moving around…and looked down onto my shorts. What did I see, but a green, yellow and black striped fat spider, about an inch long and wide, crawling over me.

    The ‘freak-out’ is the initial, natural response. But I’d had a photo of this particular spider in my journal for a year. SO I readily pulled off the road, again, and gathered it up into a tiny plastic tube, and it became a part of that days lesson. The girls and one nephew were fascinated as I poured it out onto a stump in the yard. We all examined it, and then it moved on. Noone was afraid, but it wasn’t crawling on their bare flesh, either. I don’t like to kill things. But sometimes, mosquitos…well, they’re just asking for it! Suck my blood, will you, you little bastards.

  9. After spending 9 hours at a water park this past week I can tell you another flesh-colored non-human that needs to be annihalated (man I wish spell check worked on COMMENTS) – the flesh-colored bathing suit. Yuck. Next time I will carry a bottle of Febreze around and just spray the random dumb-asses wearing these hideous pieces of material.

  10. I’ll give you undying loyalty and affection for that story! And kudos on your excellent hunting skills. I, fortunately, leave those hunts for the cat. That way I also get around the proverb mentioned earlier…

  11. Craig says:

    Ummm….. people are flesh colored living things, no? Wait, Febreeze would probably kill me too, so your theory remains valid.


  12. Febreze rocks.

    I am so glad you don’t live in Australia, and that this was not a story about a huge huntsman spider falling into your lap while driving.

    I’m also thankful that in your epic battle of good vs flesh colored but no flesh having evil that you had the admirable forethought and wisdom befitting a Looking Optimistic Lady of modern science to pull over before engaging your foe.

    Evil incarnate, or spiders as we know them colloquially, are actually the cause of many car accidents world wide.

    1. Seriously, it was so hard to focus on driving when something that terrifying was crawling all over the place. Don’t tell anyone else I said this, but I almost had a heart-attack. Wait. Are these comments public? πŸ™‚

  13. Guess the proverb “If you wish to live and thrive, let a spider run alive” was not one drilled into you by a loving parent, then! Lolling at the sweet smelling spider, though.

  14. Bravo, girl. Masterfully told and fearlessly done. I wonder if Wikipedia knows that Febreze kills phantom zombie spiders? That bastion of knowledge should be told of your amazing discovery.

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